s u n 11.28.04 | 5:14 pm
you can't go back the way you came.

today, i poked a sea anemone. actually, i poked a few of them. i poked and i poked until i came across a sea anemone with half a crab shell complete with legs in its grasp. after that, i decided it was best to let nature run its course.

i like the tide pools.

i saw two little boys running around them diving in and out and probably destroying the ecosystem dynamic completely. i saw them and wondered... where are your parents and why aren't they watching you?

two days ago i went to the conservancy in huntington. i saw the estuary. i said "mix, water, mix." my favorite part was the brown pelicans swooping into the water to get to the fish. swoop, pelicans, swoop. observing survival of the fittest in action is fascinating.

i wonder if most people get as excited about these things as i do.

thanksgiving was good. and four day weekends? always a winner.

i've been getting too drunk this whole weekend. thank you, places that don't card, i love you. i drank so much jack daniels last night that i came so close to puking in my car driving home this morning.

not a pretty picture.

a week from tuesday i'll be home free. now is the time to work it. get those grades, do those papers, take those tests, do that reading. not in that order, but yes, all of the above.

t u e s 11.23.04 | 11:27 pm
and this bird you can not change

oh man. i love half weeks, half days, half assing. the quarter is almost over and i'm moving in less than two months. it's all i can think about right now. and i try to tell myself *god, would you stop thinking about it for just two minutes?* but the more i try to keep it at bay, i just get this mass of excitement, fear, anticipation, and a little sadness.

so... my life has never been more stable but of course i feel like shaking it up, messing it up. i do it subconsciously. smart comments, small gestures, pushing people away in a variety of ways. i want to do drugs, bad ones, all the time. i make up excuses not to. if i really wanted to do them, i would find ways. but so far, so good.

there isn't really a time where i can have just a few drinks. a few drinks usually turns into ten. i've been trying to ween myself of that.

my food issues go up and down. they are more imagined than anything. like, eat only as much as the person sitting next to you eats. eat only as fast as they eat. i don't eat that healthy. i'm pretty normal. real people with real issues are usually much more successful than i am. mary-kate olsen... many of my friends and acquaintances. that, or they use coke.

i've had a secret desire to be rail thin for many years now... since what, 6th grade. my progress, or lack thereof, hopefully dissuades people from thinking the wrong ideas.

ro bear turned twenty one last week and had a gnarly party. happy birthday, ro bear! i wish i could do all that stuff that i did for his birthday for everyone. everyone. everyone needs to have a lot of things done for them on their birthday. they need to feel the love. unfortunately, most people do not get that love. the world would be so much happier if they did.

i just want to be loved. people must feel like nothing is ever enough for me. and to me, there is this fine line between not enough and too much. when it's too much, i push people away by breaking them. when it's not enough, i push them away by wanting too much from them.

no war, no famine, open spaces. no lies, just love.

s u n 11.14.04 | 2:31 pm
she was sweet sixteen, baby beauty queen

all at the same time, i'm trying to work on three new pieces. my ideas are overlapping and weaving into each other and i finally feel like i'm going to start creating work that i really back. i think i'm developing a style that i can live with and not like i'm trying to appropriate anyone else's work. but no matter what anyone says, everyone's work is an appropriation of someone else's work. it's inevitable. i can live with that.

so i really am leaving. in the back of my mind, i always thought i'd find a way out of it, that it was too good to really happen. but i've jumped through most of the hoops, purchased a one-way ticket, and started the student visa process. come middle of january, i'll be kissing uncle sam goodbye. and good timing too, this country isn't looking that hot.

i do like challenges, i'm all about test of will. the vegetarian thing was a three month process to see if it was right for me. and it was. the more time that passes, the more i want to give up. i might crack every once in a while and have something with egg or a piece of sushi... but i can admit it.

so i started a new one. with art supplies, food, toiletries, and other expenses... this week, i spent more than i should have. i'm going to cut my budget by 75%. and decrease it from there. i'll save money. i'll be more resourceful. i'll eat less. i'll waste less.

it's already started.

RIP ODB!

m o n 11.08.04 | 10:15 pm
not knowing how to work the world

one of my biggest concerns at the moment: my broken digital camera. canon, baby, powershot sd10, i love you. don't die. live on. live on!

second biggest concern... no, wait, move the camera to second. correction. biggest concern: that fucking douche getting re-elected.

i guess i had blinders on because i live in california, in the most liberal part of orange county, and here i was thinking... everyone else must be seeing what i'm seeing, right?

surely, the rest of the country (since so many of my friends and acquaintances and the average village idiot seemed to agree) sees what a massive mistake was made four years ago.

surely.

but no. surprise. i turned on the tv and i thought it was a joke. fucking red states.

well. other than that, it was a good weekend and a pretty good week overall. this quarter's almost over and then i'm leaving the country. what more could i ask for?

re-count.

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