t h u r s 10.29.04 | 12:34 am
i cannot promise that i'll be in class on monday morning.

halloween is a good time, period. i mean, how can you lose? you get to dress up as anything you want and it's perfectly okay on just one day of the year. you eat candy, you dress-up, you get totally shit-faced. it's my favorite holiday by far.

and halloween that lands on a weekend? even better! that's right, it got better. there has always been something that mildly miffed me about celebrating something, be it birthday or any holiday or occasion, on the day other than the actual day of the real deal. sure, it's okay to kick it in the weekend before and sometimes, people even do it the weekend after because they like to extend it. some people do it the day of and then the weekend before AND after. but when it lands on the right day? that is fucking golden.

you take that opportunity and you RUN, boy. you fucking run.

so. i've narrowed my halloween costumes down to my favorite two. one, i will be on saturday for my own house event. the second, i will be on sunday for party hopping. and goddamn, they are both so good that i wish dressing up was more accepted as a weekly ritual.

the week? it's ending. and ooh, it's lovely. besides the delivery of some bad news today, things could not be better in any respect besides, oh, me getting my work done.

i mean, fuck isla vista halloween this year. cold, crowded, too far of a drive. you do it once and you've already seen it all. there's plenty going on within a 15 mile radius of me.

i cannot promise that i'll be in class on monday morning. i'm sorry, i just can't.

[i turned in this painting this week.]

m o n 10.25.04 | 11:37 pm
today we work hard to paint and surf

oh, today was such a good day. i surfed. i laid low. i laid down.

i can't tell you how excited i am for halloween. i've been going all out. i'm even getting a keg. and that... is so exciting. when i feel down, sometimes i put on part of my halloween costume and i find that it instantly lifts my spirits. and it's instant cozy from there.

a storm is supposed to arrive tomorrow.

i certainly felt it coming when i was surfing while the sun was on its way down. i'm improving. i caught about five good waves today and on one of them, get this, i did some turns. the waves were getting big. the sun was going down and the moon was coming up.

i'm falling behind in school. i need to step it up and get on it. i also need to step it up with my italy pre-departure requirements. the hoops they make you jump through to go abroad in the uc system is utterly ridiculous. but it'll be worth it.

i'm starting to get nervous and i don't think it'll really hit me until i get off that plane and am forced to use my limited italian language skills to ask for directions or a ride to my hotel for the night. and i'll be completely alone. i won't know anyone. i'll be in a foreign country completely alone. it sounds like a dream come true.

we held close. we kissed. we laid down for a bit. sometimes i have to ask myself just why am i doing this to myself knowing i have to leave soon... and i don't know, it just feels right. i don't want to have it any other way. there is no longer any emotional turmoil in my "not real relationship" relationship and ooh, it feels so good. it's like we just met except we have an uncanny knack for pushing each other's buttons...

the good ones especially.

t h u r s 10.22.04 | 12:40 am
it's not me, babe.

i saw bob dylan play the other night. i broke my streak of not smoking pot. bob-o was good. he didn't play enough of the hits though. i love the hits. i have two songs of his that i lovelove and he didn't play either of them. he is one of the people where i thought "man, i want to see him/her/them play before they stop." now i can die happy.

my teacher told me i looked sad a couple days ago. i never know how to take that because i don't know him all that well but i guess well enough where he would say something. it did not really concern me until that moment and it still did not concern me until tonight. i thought maybe it was the weather giving me gloom... but i don't know. today was pretty sunny. things went pretty well. and still there's something missing.

a few weeks ago, i remember paul telling me "we became good friends during the worst part of my life." i always think of that moment and for a second, i get sad. but i know that means that things must be getting better.

sometimes it's hard to tell if my life is on the incline or the decline. i suppose i am at some sort of halfway point. psychologically, i think i've started something i cannot finish, like i've developed a whole string of issues since my adolesence that are starting to sprout again.

i know how it goes, i know how it ends.

and it's not pretty.

m o n 10.18.04 | 10:27 pm
if you drive a car, i'll tax the street.

who, besides me, gets a flat tire twice in less than a month? and i haven't been driving any more reckless than usual. i think i might just be prone to disaster. stay back. back, i say.

lately, the weather has been mad. and weather like this makes me want to lay in bed all day and not get anything done... at all. that can be quite a problem. so today, i scrubbed the tub. it's pristine. you must be wondering, why did i scrub the tub? a combination of products and some elbow grease goes a long way.

i think cleaning is my way of getting my mind off things. if you ever notice me on a cleaning rampage, beware. therefore, a messy room should be comforting. i only clean to try to impress someone or to de-stress. so which is it this time? impress or de-stress?

"i want to pick your brain," he told me. whenever i get put on the spot like that, i panic. and i immediately become a blubbering idiot, completely inarticulate. but... no, i'm not trying to impress anyone.

maybe my parents. they made a visit this weekend. i cleaned the house like a mad woman because my mom, she hates a mess. i mean, this lady, she'll actually start picking up your mess because she hates it that much. and that makes you feel awful. you say "mom, stop. stop." but she just keeps going. she even goes through your stuff, finds things she shouldn't find. like, you know, your drugs, cigarettes, condoms, and flask. the whole sha-bang.

i guess i've become some kind of tree-hugger and now some fucking hippy. honestly. it started with the meat. the seafood was hard at first, but not really anymore. and then eggs. i gave it up. then i started swimming again. eating better. drinking enough water. sleeping regularly. and now, for this week, i've been sober too. i just want to clean out my system, know exactly what's going in it. to slow down with the drinking and drugs. not cut it out, just not during the school week at least.

i'm changing. i feel it.

i feel like i could love again but i don't think i'm ready. it's too small. i hate games. i divert my attention because i know when i keep busy, he finds me again. when i dote, he loses me. and i want to be found. i think i want to be wanted. but who doesn't?

t h u r s 10.14.04 | 2:14 am
those are your fucking vital organs.

this week is coming to an end and that is very good news. i just saw i heart huckabees and i liked it. i especially like the jason schwartzman. he is the equivalent of a teen dream in my adult years. i swoon for j. schwartzman.

i swoon for bear.

how can you not swoon for anyone wearing an eskimo jacket? i'm so excited for my halloween costume. it is something i really wish i was. that's how i picked it. i said "tiffany, what do you wish you were more than anything?" and that's what i'll be for halloween.

i have been so tired today. today was finally the day where while i am laying myself down to sleep i can finally say "goddamn, i got so much done." because i actually am tired from exhaustion and less from apathy. i was falling asleep in my classes because i had done so much, not because i had done too little. i was on campus for nearly 12 hours today, no joke. i had a back to back schedule. and this week is just sucking and will keep on sucking until friday at noon. i'll have 2 exams under my belt.

i realize that i can drink straight vodka with part girly puckers sissy liquer with a few cubes of ice and still have all my wits about me. and not just one drink but a few. tolerance is half pity and half triumph. part of you says "fuck yeah" and part of you says "how uneconomical."

my sister had "minor" surgery today but to me it seems very major. she tried to shrug it off like it was nothing but any surgery involving any part of your mid-region should not be allowed to be attached to the tag "minor." i mean, those are your fucking vital organs near there. it shouldn't be taken lightly. i get to play nurse and help out around the house for a week. it's hard to see someone you like so much in such a weakened state.

i went to an orientation today and most of it was boring ground rules but some of it was talking to students that had actually been on my program at the same time i am going but a year ago. and they gave me better information than i have received from anyone. in a few months, i get to walk to school and pass the vatican on my way, cobblestone streets and the pope, st. peter's cathedral and the works of renaissance.

that's my new home.

m o n 10.11.04 | 11:42 pm
all these squawking birds won't quit.

if i smoked cigarettes, you would know. but i don't. i keep them around for comfort. because honestly, every once in a while, if i've had a few drinks, or if i'm around people that are also smoking, or if i'm really stressed out. it does help. it does comfort me. i'll admit it. but that happens... maybe, at the most, once every two weeks.

most of the time, i just smoke joints. and i don't even do that that often anymore. i've cut down on everything since i started school. i probably only drink, like actually drink and get drunk, like three times a week. so i probably smoke pot once or twice a week. and i haven't done coke since the incident.

it's receational. and it's probably a phase. i don't do it because of peer pressure or because i have been influenced by "bad friends" or because i think it makes me more glamorous, cool, or experienced. i do it because i want to. i do it for me. i do it because i like it. it's really not an issue.

i probably won't do coke for a long time. i won't say ever. i told bear i wouldn't. but we don't like to mention that night. that was our one and only fight. it was like 10 rolled into one. i think it changed a lot in us. in a good way, i think.

i had one of the worst days i have had in so long yesterday. i looked like a mess. i won't disclose much because most of it is family business. but i hurt. and i still hurt. and what can you do but be there for somebody and have somebody be there for you? you hope for the best. you get over it. it will work out somehow.

i worry about people. and now they worry about me too.

but i really am fine. i surfed today and put all my energy into that. and it worked out well. i am completely exhausted and i caught a few good waves and got up lots of times and paddled for many waves. it was great.

bear and i slow-danced in my room today to the shins. he made me laugh. and he held my hand and said he hates to see me sad. "chin up," he said. "life is a series of ups and downs and don't worry, things can only go up from here. tomorrow is a new day."

and it was.

f r i 10.08.04 | 2:43 pm
but she's not afraid to die, the people all call her alaska

i start so many things and seldom keep up with them all. this week alone i have started to go swimming every day. i hope to keep that one up for a while because it does make me feel better. i just like being in this still body of water and either you move or you sink. and end to end, all i can do is think. it's like some strange, active therapy and i am finding that it is successful in raising my moods.

i started hanging out with a new friend. he is non-threatening in every way and he talks a lot. i think secretly somehow he was searching for someone like me and subconsciously i was searching for someone like him. just a companion of the opposite sex to spend time with, talk about things with, get to know in a non-sexual way. i welcome that after three incidents this summer which left me asking the question, why can't boys and girls just be friends without sex complicating things?

i have mostly been keeping up with all my reading, slowly working towards the deadlines and exams. and it's rewarding. i'm not completely on edge yet from stress but more like... just taking things as they come. and they certainly are coming. i am mentally preparing myself for an experience that will change my life.

shannon tells me that moving to another country isn't like how it is in the movies. eventually, it all becomes habit. the novelty dies off and it becomes your life. the next shock will be moving back to your old life where everyone that you haven't seen will ask the same questions and that's it. you go back to how it was before.

i know it sounds completely morbid but sometimes i wonder if i died in rome and never came back, how anticlimatic and romantic that would be. i'd die during one of the most beautiful parts of my lifetime and yet not be able to look back on any of it. i wouldn't get the pleasure of that first day back at home, my last day in rome, my hellos and goodbyes.

i feel skinnier today even though i don't think i am.

i hope the angels win tonight.

t u e s 10.05.04 | 7:13 pm
he asked me if i would rather be an airplane pilot or a magician

it is when you push people away that they seem to want you the most, the same is true vice versa. i think it is horrible logic. if you really do like someone why should you have to hide your feelings and pretend that you don't give a shit when you want to spend time with them?

i worry about a lot of things lately.
today i tried to give blood but i was refused based on my answers to their preliminary questions. what they need outside of the blood mobile is a large sign with large print that states: if you have done coke within the past 12 months or have had a tattoo within the past 12 months keep walking. that is what they need.

i love surf class. the ocean is so much bigger than me. when i'm out there and the sun is going down and it's starting to get cold... there is something so peaceful about it. beautiful, sad, and finite.
i made a new friend today.

things are going well lately. i am sober throughout the school week and get lots of sleep at decent hours. i am keeping up with all my reading and deadlines. i am fairly motivated. rather than drowning, i am afloat. and that is a good feeling.

from time to time, one thing that i think about is demetra. how one thing that seemed good could go so wrong so fast... and irreversibly so. i think that if she was open to it, i could try to be civil once more... but i know that, with her, sore subjects like this do not heal easily. i forgive easily and forget just as well but i know she is one for grudges. and to each her own. sometimes i wonder just how much did i mean to her if she could forget me so easily and how much does everyone else mean to her as well. that is one thing that does make me sad.

i realize that it is the way that she is and it is the way that i am. people do not change much at all.

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