t u e s 09.28.04 | 10:09 pm
i can stop if i want to.

i'm in school now and that's going, moving, shaking, shimmying, its way to the end of the quarter. it feels like i am just waiting for this quarter to end. i don't want to leave what i have here but this is something i have to do. sometimes i feel i am so dependent on other people... for their attention, love, and counsel. what the fuck am i going to do when i put an ocean between everyone i know and just me? i need this. i need this so much.

i'm so stressed out already. there are so many forms and deadlines and everything is coming so quickly. i just want to hide under the covers and have roll arounds with ro bear. i feel like ro bear and i have some weird understanding that our relationship has this pending end date. whether or not it will be the end-all date is up to us in june. we both know that there will be this looming void when i leave the country. i don't like to think about it. i just want to enjoy the time i have with him and everyone else.

i have been trying to stay sober during the school week. i feel myself wanting to drink by myself, smoke pot by myself, pick up cigarettes by myself, find someone to do coke with. but i can't. especially not coke. that is such a bad habit to pick up. i first tried it less than a month ago. since then i have done it four times. last time i bought more than a gram for just myself for one night. this ain't no fucking disco.

but once you drop one thing, it's so easy to pick up another. i find myself getting weird with food. today i threw up. a few days ago i was hardly eating at all. i really don't know what is up. whatever i am doing to myself... it is in the early stages and i feel that if i want to stop right now, i can. but isn't that what they all say?

i fit into my skinniest jeans now.

i stopped eating all animals. i haven't cut out animal products. i'm not that hardcore and i just love cheese too damn much.

i started surf class this week. it's awesome and i can't wait. i'm even starting to go to the gym to start pulling in the water to strengthen my arms for paddling. fuck yeah.

f r i 09.24.04 | 8:25 am
he can't believe i did that

right now i feel lower than low. my not-so-great day yesterday went from not-so-great to catastrophic. and for what? i have the feeling that this is irreversible and that frightens me. i've been low for more than 24 hours. uppers are not for me anymore.

no one has ever made me feel like that... ever.

i don't know what to say to make it better. i don't know what i could do to make it forgiven, to make it go back to the way it was only hours before. it's like when someone, the only other person i know and care about like this being my dad, that never gets angry because they are too busy being funny and never serious... that person says they are "so disappointed in you." you know it must be bad.

none of my friends see what i did as wrong. but i guess you always have to pick a side. i won't disclose what i did exactly... but i did not cheat, i did not lie, i simply did not think.

and that gets me into the most trouble these days... consistently. a few months ago my single party life seemed so perfect for me and when i unexpectedly found someone i liked it all changed. i want different things and yet i want the same things. it doesn't make sense to me at all.

t u e s 09.07.04 | 3:23 pm
college girls named tiffany

i can't remember what it feels like to be sober. it's probably been a week.

in mexico i just feel like everyone there has one goal. i lose my friends one minute and the next minute they have found me. and it's the greatest relief to not be fucking haggard in mexico with strangers surrounding you, bad hip hop in the background. strip clubs with no cover charge that hand out free shots of cheap alcohol. but alcohol is alcohol... and free alcohol is better.

she walked through the door with drinks already in her as i packed a bowl on her dining table. and it only escalated from there. shots, drinks, boys later and i had three roses in my hand and i saw the boy who gave them to me get arrested as the sun came up.

i decided that there is something wonderful about lounging in a bikini when it is this hot outside. if i was old i'd probably be dead from this heat already.

sit in the cuzzi. smoke more. drink more. go purchase drugs. tiffany two lines. roll joints. roll blunts. pack bowls. drink more. half a gram up my nose later stare at a television screen and sing janis joplin.

get up and have some shots for the road. roll in like a hurricane and turn it up two notches for teera who has class early the next day. drink fast. drink a lot. wake up with a line. and take a nightcap that leaves you bruised and cut and in the morning you hurt.

it was amazing. it felt so good. i just wanted it to keep going. i didn't want to stop. and i don't want it to stop.

but i am taking a break today. you know, i could have smoked a bowl first thing this morning but i said no. i need to detox after all that has happened. my body is fucking haggard. i have no appetite. i'm tired but i can't sleep. i just need to get back to normal for now.

ladyfingaz don't fuck around. we mean business.

s a t 09.04.04 | 10:37 am
few hours, good pay, little work

yesterday was my last day of work.

now i'm going to mexico. bye!

s a t 09.04.04 | 10:17 am
like it's really a good idea

last night we went to red lion in silver lake and they didn't card me. we saw andrew w.k.... we partied hard. before we got there we ate at four n 20 and before we did that we smoked in h boogie's backyard and stared at city lights.

i used to think that drinking by yourself or doing drugs by yourself was a bad sign but now that i've done it this week, it is just a sleep aid or a way to beat the heat. it makes work more interesting too.

today i am driving to san diego to see teera. i haven't seen her in a week. we're going to tailgate the state football game. we're going to go to mexico tonight. we're going to do a new-ish drug tomorrow all day. i know that she is in school already but my summer is still going strong for a few more weeks.

i'm moving out next week. fuck yeah. this is the one good thing about going back to school, getting out of this house where i always have to tell my mom where i'm going and who i'm going with and when i will be expected back. and yes, i always have to come home to sleep, the most dangerous rule ever inflicted by parents.

...like it's really a good idea for me to be driving in an effort to make it home early right after smoking or drinking.

now that the swim season is over i need a new job with few hours, good pay, and little work.

f r i 09.03.04 | 3:22 pm
high

i never want to be someone that has to do drugs to feel normal. do drugs to eat. do drugs to sleep. do drugs to talk to people. but i swear there is nothing better than good sleep. and if having heavenly slumber means using anything at all, so be it.

lately i feel like i have been doing nothing productive with my time. if anything, i am counter-productive paging through journals, listening to strange music while staring at the ceiling, cleaning out drawers of years worth of junk, and whatever else i end up doing to bide my time.

when i do it it feels like there is no better feeling in the world at that moment.

i found something in the back of a drawer yesterday that made me cry. it is one of those things that you forget that you even have but when you see it again you're so glad that you do have it.

w e d 09.01.04 | 11:39 am
the life i am leading

my life is more and more layers of the same things piled on top of more of the same thing. and on top of that? more of the same thing. i spice it up every once in a while with an angel game, a concert, a trip to mexico or santa barbara. last week i went to ben harper, xiu xiu, and the cure. sometimes there are kegs involved in these layers. sometimes it is just 40s.

i feel like it has been a few days since my system was void of any drug. like my body needs time to filter it out to get back to homeostasis but i just keep throwing more shit in and fucking up the plans.

i do that with more than just my body.

i go to chino maybe once a week to see what's going down in the inland empire. and guess what? it's always nothing but rolling around in bed, getting a snack, having beer, and smoking pot. 909 kids sure know how to have a good time because that's what they've been doing since they were old enough to know how.

i want to go skateboarding with teera but she moved back to school. so i'm going to go with her to mexico this weekend, maybe next. last night heather and i smoked a bowl in the car outside our friend's house. we watched kill bill vol2 and then we went home and went to bed like it was nobody's business.

i'm working for the man. working hard or hardly working? hardly working. i'm moving back to the oc next week. the bjork cd came out yesterday and it has left me dumbfounded and speechless. smoke a bowl and put it on. "it's the heroin kicking in and it will only get louder as the night progresses."

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