f r i 05.28.04 | 2:14 pm
the names of our children will be four letter words.

living a sleepless life is new to me. i used to wonder how anybody could do without sleep but going without it for a few days just makes everything cloudy to me. i'm not putting my head down every minute, i'm just not that alive. my limbs are weak. my lungs are tired. i don't have the desire to eat anything for fear that i might vomit.

but my application to go to rome is done. i have a kickass letter of recommendation and everyone besides me seems confident that i will win a spot in the spring. i don't like to get too hopeful when there is so much uncertainty. it's not in my hands at all anymore. what can i do besides wait?

but i want it oh-so-badly, more than anything right now. my mom and dad taught me to be a dreamer. maybe if i wish hard enough it will come true.

i have been looking forward to this weekend for so long. i plan on sleeping, reading, studying a little, partying a lot, seeing people i love. i miss teera so much. i don't know how i'd go away from everything i know for a semester. but it would be fine. it would have to be.

that's all there is to me right now and that's fine. i like the simple life. i can cut the drama out completely with very, very big scissors. sarah told me that if something is bothering me and causing me pain then i don't need it in my life. and she's right.

w e d 05.26.04 | 11:23 pm
mistaken for someone else

i don't fail classes. i don't get lower than a 'b.' that was how i used to think before i got to college. i was conflicted today. i even tried to receive counseling but they were either at their lunch hour or not accepting walk-ins.

just my luck. my time of need. and no one to help the needy.

do i drop this lab (in 8th of 10 weeks) that i might fail and its lecture to finish my breadth or do i start a new series and take two more classes next year? i will suck it up and give it a whirl. good job, tiffany. pat on the back. stick with it. you can do it. these are the words i need right now to pull off one of the most amazing academic feats ever.

i will probably not sleep much until this quarter is over. and then i will sleep twice as much to make up for it. i fucking hate the quarter system. i am an underachiever at heart and it does not sit well with me at all.

today i decided that i wanted to apply to go to school in rome next spring. the deadline is on friday. people plan out these applications for a month or two. i have less than two days. i figured it is worth a shot. sometimes i just need a change of scene other than los angeles or orange county.

i don't know where all the time goes. it is almost midnight and i swear i just got home. i want some hands to hold. i am not lonely in my mind, my body just wants love.

m o n 05.24.04 | 5:48 pm
i like the colors.

my shit day became a beautiful one. it is amazing how it can change so quickly. i would like to come out of my shell more. being meek and antisocial does not turn me on any longer.

i took two midterms today on four hours of sleep. this weekend was madness and madness and madness some more. my friends know how to tire me out and keep me from doing any real work. but i love them for it. sometimes it feels too good to be bad.

i was feeling poor about my performance on my chem midterm but i realized that this will be the score that i will drop. and that is fine. this is my last quarter of this crap. that is also fine.

i participated an obnoxious amount in discussion today and decided it was easier to do in a room full of complete strangers. after class i talked to my TA and not in a kiss-ass way either. i really am getting into that class and he told me about a class he's teaching this summer. he thought i would like it and he'd like having me in the class because... and here is the kicker... i'm a great student.

do you know how long it has been since i heard that? like months. and it feels so fucking good. the only thing better is people liking your art. and i got that twice this week. they said they would even buy it. i have new projects. and that... is an amazing feeling.

better than stolen chronic? yes. better than beer bonging strawberry $3 champagne? yes. better than being told you are loved (genuinely or not?) close.

l e s s | m o r e