w e d 05.19.04 | 10:16 pm
something beautiful will come from it.

i like waiting for the dust to settle so i give myself time to collect my thoughts and devise a strategem to handle things with as much care as possible. they can be quite delicate and fragile.

i slept most of today and last night so i have gotten better. i think my symptoms have been reduced by at least 50%. that is very good news. makes me want to jump for joy.

things have gotten ugly lately and it is due to the fact that my actions are reactions to her actions and vice versa. it builds, naturally. with two strong personalities that is how it goes. you can't stop it. even if it is based upon nothing.

you and i are like when fire and the ocean floor collide.

low blows are not my style but some people deal with things differently. i never intentionally directed anything at her but she clearly wants to hurt with her words. that is just how she is, i know this. it has been blown out of proportion. i would argue by her, she would argue by me. it depends who is telling the story, as with most things.

i am waiting for things to settle because i am afraid of the things i might say. i think we are both sensitive and paranoid and read into things that aren't there. i can admit it. insecure, low self-esteem, all those good, healthy things that everyone aims for.

people can say what they want about me, people i don't even know personally. i know who i am. i know what is true. that is enough.

i went to an art opening tonight at school and now i really want to make pretty things. for once i think i know which direction i want to head in and that is a good feeling. i know there will be a lot of work but i think something beautiful will come from it. and sometimes that is all you need.

t u e s 05.18.04 | 5:01 pm
that is how she makes herself okay.

i used to have a secret blog when i wanted to disappear but i decided that i shouldn't have to cater to other people. if they are offended, only a select two or three in particular ever in the history of this, that is fine. it's not my problem.

i'm not particularly offensive. i don't bash any groups other than the people that make me mad.

hyprocrites. scenesters. lame. a copy of a copy of a copy. don't you have anything original to say? you hate the government? you hate consumerism? well, baby, the sad truth is that it's practically unavoidable in this country. abandon all your belongings and live in the wilderness, hunting and gathering wearing only a loin cloth. there you go.

everyone that adamantly hates "the scene" is the same. no one ever says "goddamn, i love the scene." "goddamn, i love being the poster child for indie rock." who wants to be lumped in a giant stereotype? no one. so there. you're just like everyone else listening to the same bands that everyone likes, dressing the same way everyone does, doing your hair the same, going to the same clubs and shows thinking you are damn cool for being different. just accept that you aren't. then you'll be fine.

i saw peaches on saturday. it was fucking awesome. now that is a show. she spit blood. there were covers. there were costume changes. there were dancers. i understand peaches is an acquired taste and that most everyone in that place loved her but if you didn't, stay home next time.

m o n 05.17.04 | 1:36 pm
pessimism, so last season

i just took some codeine and am eagerly waiting for that to kick in. i ditched my last class today. reason 1 being my present condition. reason 2 being i didn't read the book i had two days to read because there were too many people around. when they left all i did was sleep for my health.

didn't work much, did it. i feel like i am about to hack up a lung. i have been getting intense attacks where my throat closes up and i can't breathe and my whole body turns hot. goddamn immune system.

is it just me or does it really bother everyone else when you are intrigued by someone because you think they have something innovative to say until you realize they spell "weird" as "wierd?" or use the wrong "to" "two" or "too"... likewise "there" "their" "they're." it's one of those things you learned in first grade, right?

i sound like a pretentious, elitist fuck but honestly, come on now.

not that this is news to anybody but i just want to say it is amazing how much you can influence the people around you with just your attitude. i don't pity people with issues. everyone has some, get over it. that is not directed towards anyone in particular so don't take offense. it is simply a revelation.

thanks to prescription strength drugs i'm taking a nap now. teera says i don't get enough sleep. she is probably right.

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