s a t 05.15.04 | 3:18 pm
you little troublemaker

after using tiffany logic to conquer my asian american studies midterm on thursday i quickly returned home to start drinking immediately with teerbo. debo also came over. i shopped like a maniac. i drank like a fish. i started to stop eating. that is bad, i know. but sometimes i just forget to eat.

i started scoutsitting. scout is my sister's dog. she is six months old, all trouble. i cannot believe the things she has done... like chew up my cell phone charger and demetra's watch.

i am experiencing a severe wave of jealousy and emotional instability for some reason. even when sober i am totally paranoid and thinking the worst of people's intentions. it's really fucked up and unhealthy and i am hoping like a bad dream i will just snap out of it.

i saw flynn last night at a random party. our eyes met and we smiled. it was one of those uncomfortable smiles where it drags on until finally you look away suddenly. all i wanted to do last night was go to sleep while teera got her sex on. instead i went for instant gratification and saw the jesus. he was also housesitting. when people say "if i was on sex and the city, i would be" everyone wants to be carrie. not everyone can be the carrie. i'm not saying i would be carrie but if i was carrie, jesus would be my big. except i don't think he's coming to paris for the series finale.

last night was like a bad movie. a hot, bad movie. we now have this strange understanding. i think he was always like this except now more so and now just out of emotional practice because of my celibacy i am also the same. cold heart, warm body.

i'm going to peaches tonight and so excited.

f r i 05.14.04 | 3:45 am
waiting to finally be caught

i go along for a little while thinking i am doing fine and then everything comes falling down. house of cards. down down down.

i remember what it is like to feel the worst of regrets to know what it is like to wish you could do anything and give anything pay anything to take back time and try it again. that is what happens when someone dies. i never learned how to deal with it. i never wanted to have to learn.

if my mom or my dad or my sisters died i would surely die as well. i don't see how things could keep going, time could keep passing, people could keep living. i guess i am tragic like claire.

a few people told me today that if i was thirty pounds less i would be sickly and that i am perfect the way i am. and that is comforting. i don't know why i feel the need to be. it might be just because my mom weighed less than 100 when she was my age. she is quite a bit shorter. that was the 70s. but still. i have that competitive spirit in me.

the people you think of as friends end up being so strange. you think they are so close to you when really it seems like they don't know you at all. what do you really have in common? i have never felt so completely alone as i do now. i know where i stand and i just have to take it. i'm not as insecure as i thought i was, i'm just not that into it. what am i supposed to do to please you? what would make you feel better? what will make you like me more instead of someone else? that is just way too much effort. that is all.

best friend, best friend. i'm not a sad drunk.

w e d 05.12.04 | 6:10 pm
we move like caged tigers

i fear that i really have become asexual. i still find people attractive but i think i have passed the hump when you just want to get it over with and be all up on everything all the time. now i just think "oh he's okay looking" or "she has a nice body" not "i wonder how he is in bed" or "i wonder what she looks like naked." it frightens me. it feels unnatural.

i have a new obsession of wanting to weigh 25 pounds less. i realize that is a lot of weight to lose at my height but i don't care. i don't have very good eating habits. they have gone from bad to worse. i don't eat often and when i do sometimes it isn't the best. i try to go to the gym. i get tired. i want to sleep all the time. something comes up and we cancel on the gym. the gym does not have feelings. it is not going to smack you when you flake on it for someone else. that is why it is so easy to say no.

i am questioning my sexuality or lack thereof. i feel that there is not anything i am sure of anymore. i don't like labels. i cannot choose who i love. it is something that just happens. that is how i feel.

i watched gabe print last night and it made me want to make something pretty again. it's been so long. i forgot how it feels. and it hurts that i don't have time to make the things i want, to do the things i love, the things i am passionate about that make me happiest.

i have a midterm tomorrow to prepare for. i really should care more about academics than i do right now. you know, go to class, do my homework, study for tests. but all i want to do is play.

m o n 05.10.04 | 12:10 am
mother!

goddamn. i said goddamn! i like my family a lot. they are just good people. i am glad i did not get stuck with crazy people for parents which would make my siblings crazy which would make me crazy. my freud of a sister says "crazy parents make crazy kids." everything that is wrong with you or right with you is a result of your parents.

i fucking back that. but i love my parents and my sisters. we give each other kisses on the cheek and make fun of each other and then laugh. i love it.

i had a good weekend. i went dancing. and drinking. i painted. did my laundry with gabe drunk. i woke up in my clothes and makeup from the night before totally confused and lost.

"you went to bed really early last night."

i like waking up to gabe in my bed, in the same room, on the couch. i'm not sure why. it gives me a feeling of comfort and consistency to have a hot man in my life even if we just make out sometimes and the other times look for hot guys together. then we go shopping and take pictures of each other. why do i need to date when i have hot gabe? he just called and is coming to sleep over now.

i'm going to peaches on saturday and am so fucking excited. i am also scout-sitting which is equally exciting. is it possible to be in love with a golden retriever? yes.

l e s s | m o r e