t h u r s 05.06.04 | 12:51 am
i would fucking cut you.

i am up late studying for a midterm that i don't predict will be too hard. i am considering going to bed quite soon because there is the threshold when you just stop caring. in chemistry we call this activation energy. the point you need to get to to get the reaction to go through. otherwise nothing will happen.

i've noticed i bullshit my way through most things. i wonder how well i would do if i actually put forth some effort. now that's a concept. this isn't exclusive to school either. i find shortcuts in most everything in my daily life.

i think grudges are stupid but once someone has stepped over my bad side and has made even one offensive remark i find it hard to let them in again. i can act civil, sure, i'm no heathen. i'm not going to spit in your face or punch you in your sleep but all i'm saying is that i don't want to have to cut you.

i don't want to live with someone that i really like next year because this makes good relationships go horribly wrong if the personalities clash. i consider gabe because i can't imagine hating gabe unless he murdered my offspring(if i had any.) and he wouldn't do that. we'd just have to stop making out... unless necessary to live.

i don't know what tomorrow holds, i just know it's gonna be hot. beyonce night at tigerheat. shakeshakeshake yer stuff. i miss kissing and spooning more than i miss sex. tiffany OUT.

i fucking hate ryan seacrest. if i had the chance i would just punch him in the face and then walk away.

t u e s 05.04.04 | 1:18 am
have not cried since

my grandmother passed away. it's strange how you can completely forget about the act for months and months until something hits you like a freight train. and you're done.

it's upsetting and for a few hours i acted like it was the end of the fucking world when really it just made my choices easier for me. the things that made me so lost, it all became so clear within a few hours.

and i guess that is all you need. a few hours after something devastating happens and then you assess what you actually have and decide what the fuck you're gonna do about it.

it's just a name. and since teera says i am a label whore i suppose that is what i look for sometimes. but shit, i have a knit black boatneck sweater from target. i don't discriminate. i enjoy all flavors.

anyway. it's too upsetting to type out. i couldn't even say it to my dad because i felt so disappointed. i just wanted so badly to do something. he thought i could do it. but i can't. so i am making lemonade. opening other doors and windows. killing birds. one chapter of my life is coming to a close but i know that another one is opening.

teera says "you cannot have unicorns and rainbows all the time." then you wouldn't think unicorns and rainbows were special. she is right. teera is like my second mommy. she knows all the right things to say.

mommy holds my hand tight and tells me not to worry because everything that is meant to happen will happen. this was just not one of things that was meant for me. she told me not to worry because other good things are on the way and whatever makes me happy will make her happy.

suddenly everything made sense.

m o n 05.03.04 | 5:35 pm
coachella aka hotter than my crotch

"this is going to be one of those days that i'm not enjoying as much as i should at the time but i will remember fondly."

if i was in charge of coachella i would make it in january. or i would tent the whole fucking place. or i would charge $1 per cold water hosedown if you are good looking and $5 if you are not. also i would take a hint from disneyland and organize some sort of picture character you can associate with each section of the parking field.

complaints aside, it was amazing. the heat didn't succeed in making me cranky but it did take the life out of me and make me want to crawl under any shade anywhere to die. so we took a nap under some bleachers where people dropped rice and posters on us. i'm just glad no one hurled. i had nightmares about it dripping down onto me while i napped.

i woke up and a few hours later the sun went down. then it was fine.

remind me not to go to anymore big all day desert festivals no matter who is playing. i say that now and will probably go ape shit when the most amazing bill comes up. well, unless you have elliott smith on there i'm sorry, sir. you can't buy my love.

our cell phones didn't work. mine died, of course. it is when you are about to collapse in the dirt and sleep in the dark under a car after you have been going row by row looking for a car for two hours when you ask yourself, "what was it like before i had a cell phone? was i always this helpless?"

i am again in love with thom yorke. he dances. and my knees get weak. i wish i had more hands so i could give coachella four thumbs up.

i went to sleep at six am on sunday morning and i can only imagine what pain i would be feeling today if i accepted the gracious free ticket to go on sunday. sorry, robert smith. i still like you.

m a y 05.02.04 | 12:43 pm
mean girls friday

i don't smoke usually. only if i am really stressed or if i am drinking. i don't like to do it, up until recently i absolutely hated the damn things. not because i associate smoking with some people that i don't like because it just so happens that people i really love smoke too.

my grandma smoked from when she was 13 until she was 80 and that shit fucks you up. i don't directly blame smoking for her death but it played its fucking part. it's a sore subject so let's not salt those wounds.

i hate that so many people in my family smoke or have smoked and i just know that i don't want to start something i don't want to finish. i say this as gabe and i take pictures of us smoking in bed together.

but it's a von bondies thing and gabe is my not boyfriend so it's okay. gabe is the gay man that every straight girl is in love with. tragic!

i started my weekend this on wednesday night. 80s club, not so fun. tigerheat on thursday, not extremely beautiful boys but some cute ones. too bad they want boys, not tiffany. but i have fun with my gabe. doing shots in the vulva. volvo, i mean.

mean girls friday was exceptional. i loved it. it is the new clueless. well, more heathers. but it will be the clueless for the next crop of teens. we saw it in newport with about 300 screaming blonde ditzy teens wearing juicy, sevens, la coste, and burberry. and they dragged their poor little high school boyfriends.

high school relationships should end after high school. imagine the person you would be if you had only dated one person ever and you were still with them now. imagine if you married your high school sweetheart and everything you would have missed. i know, frightening. people that do this have serious social problems and need to get out in the world. i'm not being horribly offensive. just honest.

i love my friends. i got to see some on mean girls friday when i drank one bottle of wine and one bottle of champagne straight from the bottle (wrapped in a paper bag, of course.) i'm a champ.

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