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f r i 04.23.04 | 1:01 am
i should probably go to bed but i've been running around like mad and not getting anything productive done and i'm just not ready to settle down yet. i am more than stressed out lately. i have gone mad. i have a midterm for a class i don't get at all on monday and a five page paper due tuesday, analyzing a book i haven't read. and here's the kicker, i'll be in vegas all weekend. so there. top that. for me, i am searching for answers in all the wrong places. i feel like i am looking for things that are not there. i am not unhappy but things could be better. i can't wait for this summer. then i will have time to fix everything and make it all okay. but for now i am just trying to do whatever i can to numb the things that cause me pain. drugs and alcohol do the trick. and yes, i'm still celibate. it's working out fine thus far. but oh my god, i miss lips and breaths on my collarbone and making out while undressing someone. i feel that at any moment i might crack and go crazy and go on a rampage spree of just running up to random males and ripping off their clothes and jumping on them in the open street. that is why i have concluded that celibacy is indeed unhealthy. it makes you crazy. i miss demetra. i wish i saw her more because she thinks i am mad at her when really i have just gone mad due to celibacy and school. what a winning combination, i might as well go to byu. be happy, tiffany. you're going to coachella. and let's just say... awesome. radiohead is what i am most excited for. the rest is also quite good, and by good i mean orgasmic.
t u e s 04.20.04 | 7:36 pm
it's 420 and honestly, i'm over it. if i want to use drugs recreationally, i'll do it when i damn well please, not on anyone else's schedule! i had a long talk with sarah last night on my bed. i don't talk like that with anyone else. when i lose track of things, she is there to remind me of how beautiful life can be and she will be there to tell me not to let it go to waste. she held my hand and rubbed my hair, i wanted to cry, it felt so good. my knee is just on fire whenever i walk or am, you know, conscious. i need to icy hot it again. i just had to skateboard to albertson's like a little stubborn child because oh no, i couldn't walk. and i completely relapsed all my hard work of icing it with frozen peas and icy-hotting it. i hope it gets better so i can walk painlessly. is that so much to ask? gabe took pictures of me today and has nothing to show for it so we'll have to do that again. i'm excited for this week to end. i wish i could go skateboarding and running around in the empty streets right now but my knee tells me not to. this is my favorite picture of gabe and i yet.
s u n 04.18.04 | 11:28 pm
i suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later. not that much has happened yet and not that i am expecting it to. i am just surprised that, and this is about to sound very cynical, there are nice boys alive in the world today. they aren't just trying to get in your pants. they actually are genuinely nice and like nice things. they don't smoke. they don't do or sell drugs. they like fun things. they know about plant reproduction and are willing to give away surf lessons in exchange for cookies made from scratch. they know how to say "your eyes are beautiful" in spanish. i am about to get down to the dirty old business of homework and studying for tonight but out of all the exciting things that happened this weekend... and goddamn so much has happened since thursday... it feels like spring break just passed, that's how long and good it was... the part i liked the most was the part that didn't involve any drinks at all. and that surprises me in a pleasant way. teera broke celibacy and now i am allowed to as well. but now that i think about it... that wasn't why i started doing it- just to win. there was a point to it. and i intend on going for as long as i can. until something real happens with a real person that can hold real conversations and who likes real things and likes doing real things with me. i saw the dalai lama speak at my school on friday. it was beautiful. he talked about death and it made me cry.
i want magic in my gathering.
people like that are so rare.
i wanted you, you wanted me.
