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w e d 04.14.04 | 12:27 am
the last time i went to disneyland was about 2 weeks ago. i enjoyed it immensely, of course because i just always do. but i got so tired. i felt like saying "i'm gettin' too old for this shit." but then i saw a cheesy parade (they don't make 'em like they used to) and they had dancing mushrooms. i laughed. dancing shrooms in disneyland... i don't take myself that seriously anymore. i've found that it is easier if you don't. sometimes i can't help it and get myself into stupid arguments over nothing with people that i really like. but luckily that doesn't happen that often. i can deal with a little drama in my life. too much though and i fold. i want to play texas hold 'em with my daddy. i like it when my daddy teaches me new things. when i was little he used to take me bowling every sunday morning for months. and he would take me to breakfast after too. we don't do things like that enough anymore. we do them. just not nearly enough as we should. school is starting to get difficult and i hate when that shit happens. the celibacy thing is still going well. i realize that it is because i have not been tested yet. we'll see how it goes. but from now on i want real conversations with real people that i actually get to know and first we go out and do real things and then have real kisses. no drugs or alcohol anywhere in there. that comes later. i have been going skateboarding every day lately. sometimes twice a day. it's awesome. that alone gives me more pleasure than any boy lately. it's a sad life, this celibacy.
m o n 04.12.04 | 4:52 pm
buying cds is a bad habit. i do it quite frequently. i have toned it down a bit but the association i have made with buying new things and feeling better is unhealthy. i see this. i am not in denial. i simply just can't stop. it was sad today when i was walking around campus during one of my many breaks and i said "god, i don't know what i'm doing. with anything. nothing makes sense." and she told me "nobody knows. but it's good not to have everything completely settled. that's boring." it's comforting to realize that you have friends that can say things like that. there are many different kinds of friends in the sea. the kind that just get you and you get them completely and you love them forever. and then it varies all the way down the scale to people you just sometimes see and sometimes hang out with but you never really have good conversation or too many things in common and you get along only when the going's good. well, fuck the going. and let's recap like we have many times before. don't be mad over something i wrote because i didn't force it down your fucking throat. run away from everything if it makes you feel better. sometimes i say i need to change. i start thinking that any change would be good change. that's fancy talk for i can't deal and need to run away. i have since stopped doing that. change can be good. running away is not.
s u n 04.11.04 | 11:37 pm
easter doesn't really mean anything to me but we dyed eggs on thursday because we just wanted to make pretty things. and that was what we did. i had an eventful weekend. didnt get any work done that i was hoping to start and finish but what can you do. weekends are made for relaxing, not working. that is why i quit my job. that's right. i quit. send them hate mail. direct it to restoration hardware newport beach. thanks! i saw tony pierce on saturday after teera and i made a cameo at bang. brief and down to business, is more what i would call it. tony pierce is lending me a "pretty good read." i'm excited to read it. i'm gonna try to fit it in after reading 2 chapters in chem, 100 pages in asian american studies, 1 chapter in adolescent psychology. my sister says i'm going to die this quarter. i told her that wasn't a very nice thing to say. i can handle my classes. i think. i bought a new pair of seven jeans for $25 this weekend. beat that! and finally, i am tired of high school drama when we are supposed to be out of high school. if i had the desire to chase someone down and tell them "oh god i'm so sorry for whatever i did wrong please forgive me" maybe i would but i'm over that. you come to me when you're ready. you tell me what's wrong (when there obviously is) when i ask you what's wrong. thanks.
always caught in an undertow
so many fish there in the sea
the greeting card company made it up
