f r i 02.14.04 | 12:04 am
the present is a present.

i did a lot of thinking within 24 hours. i heard a guest speaker and i went by myself at the end of the day to hear him. i could have napped. i was about to not go. but something made me go.

just a genuinely cool guy doing what makes him happy and spreading the inspiration around. he loves his job. he'd do it for minimum wage. he sold all his belongings at one time because he believed in the company so much that nothing got in the way. it worked because it had to. not sleep, not food, not anything got in the way. he lived one ramen a day for a year. but it paid off. he co-founded paul frank industries.

just hearing this guy talk changed everything. the part that got me the most was the no sleep no food nothing part because it was something he wanted so badly. and he got it.

i want to intern for you. i want to quit my fake happy retail job that tries to rip people off and sell cheap shit to rich people just because we can. i want you to teach me what you know. i think it's something i could be happy doing.

and i just want to do what makes me happy. everything is getting so fucking clear. i know what i want. i know i can have it. it has been a sobering, enlightening 24 hours and right now everything makes sense.

t h u r 02.12.04 | 12:03 am
sad girls don't have shoes with hearts on them.

sometime today everything became really clear to me. it's so goddamn cliche but i noticed the sun through the leaves in the trees above me and i noticed the pretty little things and forgot about so much that was bothering me. i just let it all go because what good is it gonna do to worry.

and i'm free. i'm liberated. i am enlightened.

for the first time ever this quarter, i enjoyed, no, loved chemistry lab. i got perfect results. the four hour lab went off without a problem.

i can do this. i'm smart. i'm not stupid. for a second i was going to throw away my little aspiration of being something really great and doing great things in my lifetime and proving to everyone that yes, i can be smart when i want to be. i was going to go back to being a mediocre art major that put forth no effort to my pieces and did not work to my full potential.

but no. why can't i do everything i want to do. they need to establish triple majors. the tiffany major. italian-studio art- biological science. also art history political science philosophy and math thrown in. and film studies. and yes. everything is going to be fine. i might actually have to study now but it will be fine. my whole life is going to be fine.

how could i not feel lovely when i came home to find these shoes on my doorstep?

t u e s 02.10.04 | 8:38 pm
you want chaos, i'll give you chaos

communication works two ways, babe. a) my journal is my fucking business. i'm not shoving it down your throat. if it didn't exist, you wouldn't know any better so don't hold it against me. b) who's communicating by throwing all their problems up on the internet now? okay, let's be honest. let's be really fucking honest.

i don't have to tell you shit. if i wanted to, i just would. you know what i'm tired of? your shit pissing off everyone in this house to the point of us not wanting to live with you anymore. why did you get your own room in our new place? because no one wants to share with you.

no, everything does not revolve around me. and you either. so why don't you take a second and actually be considerate for once. or even, christ, do something on your own. fucking mellow out. you say you're mellow and steady. right.

you're the most critical person i know.

i hate how you walk all over everyone and expect them to do everything for you. fucking grow up. i hate how you just ignore everyone and only get nice when you need to use them. and stop using astrology bullshit against people before you even get to know them and what they're really about. it's not valid. so there. that's what people can't communicate to you.

that, and please take care of your body. you don't need to do that to yourself. i do care about you, the tension has just been built up too much.

m o n 02.09.04 | 3:47 pm
the grass still grows beneath the snow

i am operating on four hours of sleep and lots and lots of tea. and now, vanilla milkshake.

the state needs to establish a sleep day in the week. don't work, don't go out, don't do anything. everyone just sleep the whole day to make up for the sleep you've been robbed that week.

everyone will rotate their sleep day so that hospitals will still be up and running and those necessities in case of emergency.

i took my multivariable calculus midterm this morning and like most midterms i walked out feeling fairly confident... not completely defeated... not particularly like a winner. i like to keep it up in the air and play it by ear so i won't be too rocked either way.

i weigh ten pounds less than i did last week. i don't know why my weight fluctuates so often. it's not like i've changed any habits or look any different. this week needs to end so i can get on with my upcoming three day weekend. i feel good today. i don't know what it is but something must be going right. it just feels good.

s u n 02.08.04 | 2:39 pm
she puts the weights into my little heart

he likes to dance and what is better than a cute boy that loves to dance? i think he is there every week. he was on the stage so i got on the stage to dance next to him and our eyes met and that was it. my feet stepped on yours when we danced too crazy and i said sorry and touched your arm and oh man, my knees are weak because you are so beautiful and it has been so long since i have touched a man!

so demetra is twenty! i spent this weekend mostly with demetra or teera or both at once (and it was quite the orgy.) i think my mom was sad i didn't spend time with her but i told her next time i will come home and spend all my time with just her and then she kissed me on the cheek.

i did some shopping (i know, just hit me. please.) i did some eating with demetra and her family and they are just awesome. i saw moving units and i now love them. they're so cute and good i just want to cuddle now. i went to bang and danced crazy-like.

someone asked if they could take me out after the show and as usual, i panicked and didn't know what to say. teera said "he still has a curfew!" and i said "umm, sure." why can't i talk when something unexpected happens?

i went to work today and they sent me home and i asked "are you punishing me?" in a meek voice and they said they had too many people. so i'm off to study my little heart out. i feel better. not good, but better. i'm ready for my valentine's kegger.

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