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f r i 02.06.04 | 12:36 am
these are the moments when i feel like doing absolutely nothing. no homework. no work. no going out. no talking. no seeing. just plain nothing. i don't even want to be here. here, as in the apartment? here, as in newport beach? here, as in america? no, here, as in alive. i stared in the mirror in the bathroom for about five minutes straight and it was very strange. lately, i have been feeling different. i felt a change. nothing matters to me anymore. i just don't care about anything. i mean, sure, of course i love my family and my friends. but i really cannot care for anything. no feelings. well, nothing other than hurt. my teacher might say this is a good time to create art. write something. make something. be productive with emotion. but frankly, my dear, i don't give a fuck. i always fear that i am slowly fading and becoming the worst version of myself. and this time more than any other, i think it's actually happened. i wonder if everyone feels this way (god, hopefully not all the time) or if it is something that just picked me up one day at random. i don't feel like going to school tomorrow. tomorrow is going to be another nothing day. i want to be a size zero. that's four sizes smaller than i am now. at 5'9" i think i might look really unhealthy but i don't care. about anything anymore.
w e d02.04.04 | 9:56 pm
i'm a really bad girl. buying new things is my vice. it's really quite bad. it's become a habit. i can't seem to go anywhere without walking out with something (or 10 somethings.) hell, i just spent $100 shopping online in about 10 minutes. but i got some damn cute stuff. you better believe it. the way i am shopping you'd better hope that i go into a profession that pays decently or else i will be selling my body in order to buy new heels and minis. and let's not forget target. mecca, you mean? i love to hate urban outfitters. it is overpriced. it is scene. but goddamn! i have scored some good deals there in my lifetime and i have been shopping there since 1996, babe. today was a better day. it must have been the retail therapy. i want to start taking breakdancing classes and also start taking the bus all around orange county. these two things are totally unrelated but today i realized it must be done! guess who's going to moving units and bang this saturday. that's right. you're totally jealous. it's my baby's birthday this saturday and she is turning a whole two decades old. i will soon follow suit. whoa, babe, you're entering your prime.
m o n 02.02.04 | 9:45 pm
i am really tired of my life this minute. everywhere i go and everything i do i am looking for something more than what is there. my heart beats so fast i can't breathe. i can't think. my brain thinks faster than i can talk. everything is moving at a million miles a second and everything is very clear but it's moving so fast that i can't remember any of it. i still can't forgive myself about my grandma. why the fuck do i put everything off. the night before she passed away, less than 12 hours before it, my parents went to the hospital and i was going to go. i was so ready to fucking go and my mom said, you don't have to, you look tired. why don't you rest? i rested. i probably fucking laid on the couch and did nothing important at all hours before she died. nobody saw it coming. the nurse said that an hour before she passed she asked for a glass of water and was fine. i heard the phone ring. it kept ringing. the machine would pick up. the caller would hang up and keep calling like that. when the phone rings at an ungodly hour in this pattern your heart just stops and you're never the same. i hate cigarettes. my grandma smoked cigarettes for 70 years. i fucking hate cigarettes. the smell. the smoke. the everything.
s u n 02.01.04 | 3:03 am
how i long for long summer days. i'm waiting for my laundry to dry so i can go to sleep. i just could not sleep another night on those sheets. they smelled like boy. the anklet i bought in september finally fell off. it is the kind where the color of the beads is your wish and when it falls off your wish will come true. well it's about february and that shit finally fell off. mine was a wish for looooooove and in the same day i found someone i liked and the next night a boy tried to kiss me. the one that tried to kiss me is sweet and i told him so and i felt like one of those heartbreakers and i'm so not that type. i don't break hearts, i mend them. i love to love and it's sometimes unfortunate that i can't love everyone and they can't all love me either. the one i like is someone i'm probably not supposed to like and someone i wouldn't usually like. i doubt he has any interest in me but as he is becoming one of my better friends... i'm okay with it. i'm okay with everything. a little fucking stressed and sleep-deprived but overall... scraping by just fine and that's all i need to do.
there's battlescars
besides, you're far from a virgin.
put on a happy face.
sweetheart, i'm just barely getting by
