f r i 01.30.04 | 7:29 pm
calmer than you

today i went to the spa. it was my first spa experience and it was pretty lovely. it was relaxing. i feel de-stressed. i feel the release of the toxins. i feel so goddamn fancy foo foo. coo coo ca chooooo.

someone asked me out yesterday when i was buying groceries. and i want to laugh about it. but god, can't a girl just buy some goddamn groceries these days. i kid, of course. it's the little things that make my day interesting.

i don't want to do anything right now but sleep.

cancel that. i want to drink strawberry margaritas with my friends right this instant til we fall over. and that's hard to do considering margaritas have so little kick to them.

i have to study. i have to work. i have to enjoy this weekend. and i think i just might, thanks. my friends are visiting me and i love those dears.

i totally miss the kitty more than anything. i am thinking of adopting one.

w e d 01.28.04 | 6:43 pm
going up? going down

i am over the hump of this week and that is all i need to know to feel just a tiny bit better.

i am hoping that if i can simplify my life by getting rid of everything that i do not need or am not completely absolutely in die-hard love with i will be able to see things more clearly. it just seems that i get so distracted and lose track of what is really important in my life.

what are the things i am really trying to do with my life and how do i get to do them and when is what i am asking myself.

it feels like i am searching for something so much bigger than my small life. there must be more that i am destined to do than just eat live breathe love and break. there has to be more. please tell me there's more than just getting up early every morning to either go to school and slack through it or go to work and waste all my money on things i don't really need.

i am going to run away and you're never going to find me. not today. probably not tomorrow. but it's going to happen.

w e d 01.28.04 | 12:05 am
this goddamn ship is going down

it's raining and it's midnight and it's kinda beautiful in a sad way. i watched some of love story tonight and that movie is beautiful in a sad way.

i've never been evicted before and it's kind of a stressful situation considering my life is a little full right now and i'm already on edge. now let's throw moving all my belongings into the mix and buying new furniture and sharing a room and cleaning out and gutting a hideous apartment within 30 days. yeah.

i really don't want to share a room. i like having my own room very much so. i like being able to have overnight guests. that's going to stop but i'm just saying that i like being able to do it if i feel like it is right.

and who knows... it just might feel right.

but maybe it's for the best for me to share a room with scarlett. out of all the people in this goddamned house i get along with her the best. there is definitely tension going on and i don't know how to solve it. no one says what they mean and everyone is pissed right now. everyone wants their own room but that just doesn't work. so everyone is on edge.

sometimes the only way you can solve the problem is to isolate it.

Whatever else happens now, your ideals will be transformed, as will your aims and objectives. After this period you will not be content to follow the same goals; the old ones simply won't have any meaning for you any longer.

t u e s 01.27.04 | 1:55 pm
i don't deserve you because you'd ruin me

i'm about to crawl into bed and watch cnn and take a much needed nap. i miss sleep. i miss lots of things.

today i feel like things are about to get back into order. i am going to clean up my act. things are going to run smoothly. they will. i am confident. i have to be.

i'm going to start going to the gym three times a week at least. my body feels so run down and i know it will make me feel better. that, and i feel like a gained 20 pounds. i don't think i will ever be completely happy with my body until i've become rail thin and it's unfortunate that this is the way i think.

i'm a normal weight. why can't i just believe that.

i have flashes when i am waking or sleeping of me hurting myself horrifically. and it scares me. i feel like one day it will just happen and i won't have control over it. it always involves a sharp object. knives, razor blades, broken glass. and there is blood everywhere. no one stops me. no one finds me.

and then it's over. everything just ends and i'm at peace. everything is peaceful and calm for once. and the fact that i want peace and i want calm so badly right now is the worst part of it all.

i think this is where my ridiculous fear of sharp objects comes from. i hardly like washing the butter knives.

m o n 01.26.04 | 4:10 pm
one disaster at a time

i feel like i can't breathe. i just feel really overwhelmed right now. i'm stressed about school. i don't want to work anymore but i feel like i need the money. i don't know what to do with my life. i don't know why i like people that don't like me and get stuck in these pseudo relationships that lead to nothing.

but i did something about it and after a phone call that lead to nothing i wrote a letter and left it on a doorstep that i am guessing will probably lead to more nothing but regardless, that's one less thing to worry about. i did what i did and that's all i'm going to do about that. the note was short and blunt and that's just how i like it.

i did everything this weekend. i went home twice. i ate dinner with my family twice. i went to bang. i went to a party. i worked 10 hours. i did no homework whatsoever. i am so bad.

i might be moving out of this beloved beach house to a new beach house. they're kickin' us out. someone bought the unit and someone like me gets to move 10 blocks down and get all utilities paid with new carpet new paint and new furniture. we'll see how this goes.

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