s u n d a y 01.18.04 | 7:51 pm
my favorite little stone fox

work is very tiring. i know it is just retail but... honestly, i come home and i just want to lay down and not do anything. not even go out and party? well... there are exceptions.

last night i went to bang with demetra and had a lot of fun. the people that do not care about what they look like or care what other people are doing when they are dancedancedancing are the best. i like seeing people when they are dancing crazy-like with big smiles on their faces and their eyes are closed because it feels so good to just mooooooove to the beat and sex da dance floor.

yes. they're my favorite.

school has already taken a backseat to the rest of my life and this quarter was supposed to be my "learn how to be a good student" quarter. oh well.

i am completely over boys. i really have become asexual this time. they cause much too much emotional trouble that i'd just rather do without. and at the same time i crave something more that i'm just not finding in my life.

i know i am looking for something but i am just not sure what yet. i just want to feel whole and not like i am missing out on anything.

s a t 01.17.04 | 5:43 pm
your little emo fantasy is dead. i spit on it.

i am in love with teera. we went shopping all day. i did it on only 2 hours of sleep. why did i do it on 2 hours of sleep? because i went to tigerheat and had a good time and then i slept for 2 hours and then i went to class and then i shopped with teera and then we got fancy and drove to l.a. to party with jack.

i think i want to start going to tigerheat except that i feel left out because all the boys are much prettier than me and they have nicer bodies than i do and they even dance better. it is so weird but i love it... especially the drag queens.

i don't want to drink and drive or smoke and drive anymore. i mean at all. we were driving home from l.a. and a huge accident blocked up the entire 405 at 4 am and we were sitting there for 20 minutes. i turned off my car and fell asleep. i just have the feeling that one of these times it is going to catch up to me and really fuck me over.

i am going to BANG tonight with demetra and i am really excited. we are going to dancedancedance. yay for cute boys that say "i don't kiss girls that i don't know that well." well i don't want to kiss you, i just want to hold your hand.

t h u r s 01.15.04 | 2:59 pm
everything that ever bothered me

today is a very pretty day. i am going to go to the beach and read a little to take it in. let it sink into me and swirl and blend and bleed a little. if i didn't live at the beach and had to live near school i think i would end up very, very unhappy.

i am trying to clean out my closet and clean up my general act and clean up my life. who knew i had accumulated so much junk in the months that i've been living here... not even that.. in my lifetime.

it is a shame that i fall in love with things so easily. it really is.

teera might visit me here tomorrow and that would be lovely. visitors are a lot of fun and i love when i get them. demetra and teera should just move in and we will be a trio of happy loves.

the phone is ringing, the waves are crashing and i just want to get out and play and run and go far, far away from everything that ever bothered me. i would do it too. in a heartbeat. i would make a good disappearing act.

w e d 01.14.04 | 7:52 pm
there's nobody looking now

i am starting to associate food with feeling disgusting. this is not a healthy association but every time i eat anything unless it is fruit, water, or vegetables i feel like i am going to vomit.

i am lonely but i just don't feel like being with anyone because i know how it is and i know how it turns out and it frightens me. i don't want any flings right now because that also makes me feel like shit. it is fun for a while to try to think like a man.

like... i don't need anything tying me down! i am out for fun! relationships are just another thing to worry about... you know, that spiel.

but tiffany, you cannot outsmart nature. stop trying to think like a man! you just want to spoon and cuddle and tickle and nap and be sweet to someone and have them be sweet to you on a consistent basis. the duration of the sweetness must outlast one night, please.

i am sure i will eventually straighten things out with the males but until then... i am just laying low and generally avoiding them unless i am not attracted to them at all or i think they might be gay or they're my good friends. put on your poker face, darling.

m o n 01.12.04 | 9:00 pm
nothing will disturb your peace without your permission.

i spent an hour and a half in yoga today. and it was quite relaxing. more and more lately i find myself buying into "that trendy hippy bullshit." i think i am looking for an answer and at this point any one will do.

my grandma's funeral was yesterday. it was my first funeral. i cried so much i thought it would never stop. it seems that for most of last week i was trying to block it out and not think about it. i thought.. maybe if i don't think about it it will go away.

but there it was smacking me in the face all day yesterday and i don't think i've ever had a harder time fighting back tears. and with tears, it is just destined to fall once you try to fight them. they came falling down my cheeks onto my shoes.

i went skateboarding with demetra for two hours today. i love her. she came to visit me. i needed her to do that. i think if she wasn't right here i would destroy something right quick.

i saw a conquest today. i think he called out "tiff" and then he asked me one question ("which italian class are you in?") and then ran off. and i just wanted to tell him "fuck you" but i held back.

this is the point where i ask myself... jesus, tiffany, what have you done? why do you do this to yourself? is it because you hate yourself? i am already behind in school and it's only been two days. fuck. ing. a.

i saw sarah wear last night and that was a motherfucking trip. she has changed a lot but i still see the same person i saw when i met her ten years ago. i wish some things would never change. once they get good just stop time and put it into a glass box and keep it that way forever.

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