t h u r s 01.08.04 | 10:10 pm
hold my hand

i love my friends. i shouldn't try to burn the few bridges that i actually want to have. i think it is strange how one event affects so many other parts of my life. this one death in my family is like a glacier dropping into a glass of water. not even the ocean. the fucking glass of water.

i don't know. i am trying very hard.

but then i read my horoscope for tomorrow and not that i am die-hard into this but the way that sue talks about it and gets into it gets my blood moving and my brain thinking and it frightens me when the stars have this in store for me:

A fleeting depression

Weak, transient effect: This influence can indicate a period of fleeting depression. Today during the day you are inclined to feel lonely and out of touch with others. Sometimes you have a pronounced sense that no one loves you, whether or not it is true. It is very important to realize that your moods and sensations under this influence often do not reflect reality, even though they seem to.

One area where you can have real trouble is in relationships. You will find it unusually difficult to relate emotionally to another person during this time. Either you are caught up in internal negativism, or you feel so cold and insensitive that you do not register signals from other people very well. This in turn leads to failures of communication and genuine misunderstandings. Obviously this is not a good time to become involved in an emotionally delicate situation.

well fuck.

w e d 01.07.04 | 11:47 pm
everything is overrated with you

so. i start school on friday. my life is filling with things to do. sometimes it seems like there is absolutely nothing to be done... although there is and i often just ignore it.

other times it seems that no matter how hard i try and how amazing cosmic powers align to aid me i will never get it all done. motherfucker.

i think my friends hate me and i guess that's fine. i mean, i don't like me that much sometimes anyway.

sometimes i think that i have turned into the absolute worst version of myself possible. and that thought really fucking terrifies me. i'm older now and it's not always appropriate to throw a tantrum although sometimes i wish i could just throw things into people's faces and say "hey you know what, fuck you. i don't need this. you're nothing to me."

wait, demetra does say that. she's quite blunt. i wonder... do i take a lesson from demetra or do i hold it in like i always do? who fucking cares anymore, i'm going to bed and i don't want to wake up. deep down inside i am trying really, really hard to be optimistic, upbeat, perky tiffany. but do you have to try this hard to be happy? possibly. that's why drugs were made, my friend. i'm fucking high on life.

t u e s 01.06.04 | 11:48 pm
the interest is up, the markets are down

i'm not very good at verbalizing my feelings. there are some things that are just really hard for me to say so i just end up not saying them. i've been trying to work on this problem for many years now and although i've made some gains i've got such a long way to go.

no one that has been close to me has ever passed away. up until now i think i always wondered when it would happen and what it would feel like. i must say that it has changed a lot of things and put things into perspective.

some people say they are not afraid of death. i don't believe it. i can't. it's a lie. it's another wall you built and another thing to hide behind.

since yesterday morning... it's strange. i feel like everything has been pulled far, far away from me. the volume has been turned down to a dusty level. i don't know. i try not to let things bother me but my head hurts. my fucking heart hurts.

when i hurt i don't reach out for anybody. i let it eat me up and never admit that anything is wrong when right now all i want to do is scream.

m o n 01.05.04 | 4:39 pm
there are lots of things i could say

like the way i've been feeling lately-- sluggish and like everything is completely blowing me by and i am powerless to stop it. like the lakers-clippers game i went to with my daddy and it was a really good time cause i love my daddy more than anything. like the night i spent over at gabe and jack's apartment and woke up feeling really, really strange and dirrrty.

but my grandmother passed away early this morning. and that's the only thing worth saying today.

i lived with her my whole life until she started getting sick a couple years ago and has been in and out of hospitals and convalescent homes. she helped raised me, cooked dinner for me every night, knitted sweaters for me, watched tv with me... lots of things.

and still i feel like so much nothing. nothing because there was much i did not know about her and there was so much i still wanted to do with her and just yesterday i reminded myself to sew that pillow for her that i have been putting off for a month and that i need to be more on the ball with these things because i cannot take things for granted.

so i was sleeping at my parents house last night because i saw the basketball game with my daddy and i woke up when the phone kept ringing at six am this morning. and when the phone rings at an hour like that, you know it must be bad.

and i heard my mother pick up the phone, i heard her say "she passed away this morning?" and that was all i heard because i started crying and i crawled into bed with my sister and held her hand and that was it.

that was it. that was it. that was it.

we just got home from cleaning up all her belongings and it made me cry. but now i have her bracelet and her knitting needles and my mommy says that sometimes it's better this way. people shouldn't have to suffer and she tells me not to cry. she tells me not to be a baby about it.

and sometimes i wonder how my mommy does it. and other times i just don't wonder anything anymore. so happy new year.

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