s a t 12.27.03 | 1:39 am
it is 60 degrees in here.

so i lit some candles and turned on my new space heater. no warm bodies to warm this body, i'm afraid. or is this a good thing. these are the things i have to ask myself. i love demetra. not only does she shop with me and get fancy with me but she is a good person to talk to when we aren't laughing at our burps or being just generally strange together.

so she talked to me. and she said that this boy i am focusing on is no good for me. he is a whore. he is just fucking with me. she says i deserve more and this phase i am going through is going to wreck me.

it is hard to stop once i have gotten started. and it is hard to think i deserve more. not that i am one of those ohpitymepleasemylifeissodifficult types but honestly, it is hard for me to acknowledge the fact that someone actually would like me and want to spend time with me and get to know me. not because this is how i think off the bat. this is just what i observe and collect.

that is why i think like this. and i know it is fucked up. but it is nearing two am and no one called me tonight and i am alone in my apartment again doing nothing exceptional and thinking... just what am i doing wrong that puts me into this social / emotional / lovely hole that i am digging deeper by the moment.

it was a lot easier back when they had arranged marriages and people didn't have to worry about love and finding someone "special" or this dating bullshit. it was about cows and property and improving your financial situation. cows. property. yeah. i'm in need of retail therapy. watch out, places of retail. i'm out on the prowl tomorrow.

t h u r s 12.25.03 | 9:13 pm
want what you have and have what you want

merry christmas. my life is going well. i know i am going through a lot of changes with what i want and the way i think and the more i am learning every day (and not just the shit they teach in school) the more i see that it is invaluable.

i know that i often say that i am trying to find balance. i am waiting for things to balance out, to figure itself out. but things just don't work themselves out so easily. and as another year draws to a close so much more quickly than i anticipated... i feel like i see things much more clearly.

i love my family. i love my friends. i like boys... a boy that i am unfortunately focusing on. and i like getting to know him even though over the past couple weeks i swore i was done. with drama. but of course after i start forgetting about it, it all comes back and pretends that it is perfectly normal, like nothing has changed. okay, babe.

i'll just see how that goes. i've been known to fuck up all relationships with males but let me just try to take this slowly and actually let it run its course. yeah, that's a plan.

the two days off from work are so relaxing. i am really grateful... for everything that's happened. everything that is happening. it will all be okay. how do i know... i just do. i like to dream. i like to hope. and the rest kind of just happens.

t h u r s 12.24.03 | 2:41 am
drown tomorrow out.

so it's two am. three am. whatever. i am just kinda waiting for this holiday thing to be over. it always seems like things are always passing me by. they sneak up on me when i am not looking and then i am unprepared and when it is all said and done i wish i could do it better and try it again once more. but you got to wait another fucking year and then i will be one year older and that's completely fucked.

i saw teera this morning. she stopped by and gave me some love. i think it kinda blows that i am working til 8 at night on christmas eve. and i won't be able to go home until super late since i was not smart and did not pack or prepare myself. but fuck. oh well. the trials and tribulations of retail are just so.

davey and i drank beer tonight and we bitched about having to be in the o.c. working on christmas eve.

i am grateful for all that i have but i guess it is natural to always want more even when you have more than what you need. all i am should be enough. but most of the time it really doesn't feel like it.

t u e s 12.23.03 | 1:03 am
forget about the mountain

sometimes things happen and i don't know what to feel or how to respond. even when they are happening around me and not to me. indirectly, thank god. my sister's best friend since as long as i can remember.. her dad passed away a couple days ago. my other sister had a couple of friends pass away this past week just as well.

and these are the things that make me think. they make me feel. because as soon as i hear something like that i get a million thoughts running through my brain. the question is, what will i do and just how will i feel when this happens to me. when the people around me start dying. there is only so much time to hold and i am afraid with everything that i am that it will be over faster than i can say "i love you."

my mother is completely morbid. she said, "you know, i can be gone tomorrow like that." and i think oh god. and she says, "my tiffany doesn't need me anymore. you are all grown up." and i think no no no i do need you. i need you so much more than you think. i need everything and everyone. i need all of this.

it frightens me. so i didn't go shopping today because my mom made me feel bad and i wanted to spend time with her and my sister told me things that made me feel sad and i wanted to bake cookies with her.

s u n 12.21.03 | 11:42 am
you don't know the trouble

the party went over well. the house is still standing and i didn't have to clean up anyone's vomit this time. success is mine! a lot of people came that i wasn't expecting and a lot of people came that i did not fucking know. but all is good because i have nothin' but love for everyone.

even the boys that do not like me anymore and do not call me back or the boys that like mars volta and call me back the next morning. (wow, who does that anymore.) i don't know how that works out but it just does.

i'm not sure what to think of it because i think we have established that i, of all people, am definitely not ready for a relationship at this time of any kind. any. unless you just want to shop with me and play kings on friday night or skate down the boardwalk. also go to shows. and with that i am scheduled to go to yeah yeah yeahs and led zepagain soon.

i am home for the next two days. the shopping is madness. the mall is madness. and i am glad to get away from it all and hide in little suburbia with my cat. everyone is safe. everyone is fine. things are going well with demetra and boys and i am happy with that. that is more than enough love in my life.

so please just stop with everything else because i obviously have issues when it comes to the male of the species which i do not understand at all and they all seem to end up hating me anyway. fuck. but... i made new friends and my bed looks cute even though i am the only one that will sleep in it... like, ever again.

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