t h u r s 12.18.03 | 1:33 am
item one: why roommates blow.

roommates are usually quite cool. sometimes they cook dinner for you. they let you use their milk. they wake you up when your alarm forgets to. sometimes you walk into the bathroom and the trash is taken out and the toilet is scrubbed, the mirror is sparkling, the bathtub is spotless. sometimes they wash your dishes for you. hell, they can be great. not to mention they keep you company so you're not a lonely wreck like myself right now.

i am the person that stays in this apartment 100 times more than the girl that sleeps here the least. i am the person that has stayed here more weekends in one month than the girl that has stayed here the next most this entire year. basically, i live here and my other roommates visit. i've not slept here only a handful of times. maybe i could count them on one hand.

i clean a lot. i take out the trash... a lot. i vacuum a lot. i wash the dishes a lot. not because i think it's fun. because no one else does because they think that they're never here so it's not an issue.

they like to leave their food in the fridge. i've cleaned the fridge out twice and let me tell you... the second time was tonight. i think i may have contracted a nasty bacterial infection. that shit just stank up my entire kitchen. mine.

so i open a cupboard to get a plastic bag out when i notice some god awful stank. and i move some stuff around to discover...

a bag of potatoes. that has juices. that has juices leaking all over the shelf. and i pick up this [four month old?] white bag of potatoes with juices that is the most god awful thing i have ever smelled. i want to vomit. i can't go back into the kitchen. i have a headache. i feel sick. honestly, you guys totally blow this time. i actually have to live here, you know. stop trying to kill me. that's it. if i die tomorrow it's because i have actually contracted sars from my own kitchen. yes, it's true.

w e d 12.17.03 | 2:26 pm
things just got way better in the last 10 minutes.

i bought a new gold purse so i can be tacky and gaudy at parties as well. when i am drinking i like to keep things on me and not have to worry about carrying a purse... or losing it which is so something i would do. or the condoms falling out of my pockets. i told demetra right when i laid eyes on it that this is a good kegger purse.

and there just might be a kegger at my house this friday, i have just discovered. well fucking awesome cause i am never one to turn down a kegger.... or beer of any kind. and for my gabe the babe, this is the least i can do for his birrrthday.

so things are going well. christmas is coming. the shopping is getting done. the boy is no longer at "bitch" status. everything is about to get better. and i am also getting better at... living or whatever you want to call it. payday this friday!! fuck yeah.

my mood is going through ups and downs lately but right now i am definitely on an up and i am just trying to stay in this moment forever. and ever.

t u e s 12.16.03 | 11:40 pm
the good seems fucking cheap.

i spent all day with demetra and i did some real damage. we shopped all day. i got some christmas shopping done. some. most of it went to me. merry christmas, me. you're not feeling too hot today, tiffany? okay, you get some new stuff.

i love demetra. we just about de-flowered this angel sculpture bullshit that was standing at empire center.

i'm not at home anymore. i came back to newport beach. it's quiet. it's lonely. even kitty is asleep in her nook. i lit a candle. i tied up my hair. i cleaned my room a little. i like being alone sometimes but i don't think i can handle living alone. did you see what it did to amelie? she had to devise strategems and shit like that to meet the guy at the porn shop.

if i want to meet the guy at le sex shoppe i am gonna walk right in there and get up in his business. i think i am too forward. that is the issue. robert called. i called him back but he was out. i'm not at home anymore. i won't be for a while. bad timing as usual.

always the fucking case. i'm not bitter. there's just always an excuse for everything so i'm just not gonna call anyone like ever again. okay. you call me. i'll wait. it's settled.

it's the middle of december but today was a nice 75 degrees in the valley and i even turned on the a/c in my car briefly. california has its perks sometimes.

t u e s 12.16.03 | 12:07 am
i'm gonna become asexual.

i came home to my parents' house for two days. just to be around people again. my apartment is so quiet for just me. i put a lonely, small, fake christmas tree on the dining table as an attempt at being festive but i think i just made my situation look pathetic instead.

pathetic!

i don't want to be smothered. i like having my own things, my own space. no one can touch, no one can look, no one will know except for me. i don't want anything that will make me feel tied down. i don't want to be caged. i don't want to be held... all the time. sometimes yes. sometimes no.

i think it is agreed that a kiss on the forehead is a much bigger thing than people give credit for. if you give the kiss on the forehead, you got more than just ass. you want more. you call this person? sure. you see this person again? sure.

so don't be a bitch to my friends and do this and not call. boys really fuck everyone up in the head. even i am playing head games with someone that is about honesty and being straight and communicating and all that shit. well fuck. i'm over it. it's been a nice week seeing you but i don't like wasting my feelings when you aren't about to waste some on me. that is all i have to say about that.

m o n 12.15.03 | 12:05 am
we're just workin' 'til the day we decide we have had enough.

kitty has become completely volatile. scarlett said "now is the first time i have ever seen you in a relationship that is not completely volatile." but i don't know what the hell is going on these days. i like boys but they don't like me that much. or else i'm just stupid and don't acknowledge that anyone has any interest in me at all.

all i know is that i get up and i work 9 hour days. i sleep a little. i love a little. i eat a little. i hurt a little. i smile a little.

it's hard for me to believe that someone would be interested in me as fucked up as something like that sounds. so i take it all with a grain of salt. i try to see things for as little as they could possibly be. i think it will keep me from hurting as much.

i love my friends. i like drinking beer with them until we all pass out in my apartment. i like going to denny's with them early in the morning. i like it when they drive down from b-town to visit me and take me to dinner. i like when they call me as they are walking home from the bar and ask if i want to have a slumber party.

yes, please. i don't have to work for the next two days. fuck yeah.

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