w e d 11.26.03 | 2:14 am
i'll be okay when you are okay

so maybe you are wondering... tiffany, just how small is your digital camera? it's this small. this small! it makes me happy. i feel much better right now. i have to remember to count the blessings, not the worries. and in that case, i'm very lucky. and everything is actually really great now that i think of it.

i went to denny's with sue for a midnight talk and a midnight love in dessert form. it made me feel sick because i don't think i am made to eat that much sugar that late at night. so i came home and felt gross. around one in the am i decided it was either time for me to vomit or go outside.

so i went outside by myself. and it was dark and cold and the stars were so bright because all the lights were off. and i smoked a cigarette. and i said "hi" back to the drunken boys that said "hi" to me when riding their bicycles down the boardwalk past me.

then i got to thinkin'. now is a good time to own this boardwalk. now is a good time to grab my skateboard. so i did. and i skated all the way down to the pier and back and even though i have had this skateboard since 8th grade, i think i am starting to love it way more.

i am going to skateboard every night at one am. i think i want to get a new one. a longboard one to perfect my longboarding manuevering.

my painting teacher is fucking awesome. i just tell him "i'm stressed i have to submit a poetry portfolio to be admitted for upper-division poetry. and he says "wow, is that why you look unhappy? take an extra day for your painting final. you need it." i say "wow, thanks." and 20 minutes later after doing nothing to a blank canvas i tell him "you know? i'm just gonna bail. i don't feel too hot." and he says "yeah, go ahead. e-mail me if you have questions." fucking. awesome.

he even burned me 2 live radiohead cds. umm yeah. did i mention that you're fucking awesome?

i'm looking into getting my own snowboard after this season if the season goes well. i hope it does.

i called a boy and told him the things i needed to get off my chest. no, i don't do that all the time. no, i wasn't expecting you to call back so don't worry and that is it. take care. i am just relieved that i have that out of the way no matter how weird it was to tell him. it's done. it's in the past. and it's fine. i'm fine.

t u e s 11.25.03 | 10:35 pm
kitty at my foot and i wanna touch it.

meow. so the digital camera came today. and i love it so much that is hurts. it is smaller than my cell phone. i'm not sure if that says more about my cell phone or my camera. but fuck, it's pretty damn small and i love it.

size matters.

i am glad thanksgiving is nearing. i think i would probably hurt myself if it wasn't the day after tomorrow. although i will be working all weekend it's nice to just be able to concentrate on things other than school. even if that means work.

even if it means work for school. just anything but boys.

i am keeping myself busy so that i am so busy that i have nothing else to think about. no silly boys to waste my time on anymore, please. i have convinced myself that i am only attracted to assholes because of the recent epiphany that took place because of my actions last weekend. and the actions following.

i think it will be nice to see robert again even though everyone tells me that it is bad news. i guess that's just the trouble with me. you know, people don't change. it took me a while but, you know, it's totally true. what people say is true. i try not to expect too much.

when you expect that's when you hurt. but he knows me and i know him and i'll be glad when there isn't any bad blood between us and we can just be near each other for once. i miss being close to someone you actually really know. so close your noses touch.

but honestly, i think all the boys on this planet hate me besides my daddy. they might be intrigued at first by my quiet type, by my ribbons and my bows and they might ask for my number but i laugh it off and i wonder if i will ever find anyone in this world. like ever. have all the people i can relate to disappeared or what? do i have an arm growing out of my forehead? oh, i see, all the ones i like have girlfriends. oh, i see they just want one night. oh, i see, there's just robert left out of the entire male population. and i'm not even sure about him anymore. he's too far away to see me and there's nothing in me that he couldn't find up there. my love life could be a greek tragedy.

m o n 11.24.03 | 9:02 pm
it's my life, don't you forget.

the only pictures i have left anymore that i haven't shown are the ones where i am trying to be a cam girl with my pseudo pout and my pseudo photoshop filters.

but my digital camera is scheduled to arrive tomorrow or the day after and lord almighty, my prayers have been answered. it is going to come and the first thing i am going to do is take pictures of the kitty i am kitty sitting.

i love her with a passion. she purrs and she meows and she is small enough to fit into her tiny food bowl. today she climbed all over me and wouldn't move and i loved it. she made me laugh when she purred in my ear and crawled on my stomach and curled up around my neck.

the love of a kitty is something else entirely.

so the frat guy tried to smile at me today in class and i felt completely awkward and afraid to look him in the eye. i smiled back but i think it was still weird. i don't know how to act around him.

i'm getting antsy and i think tonight i might get coffee with someone that is recording songs right now that lives 20 blocks down the boardwalk. i am curious.

i wonder if he is curious about me. i wonder what is going on this weekend besides work, besides kitty, and besides the flynn. i think that is enough for me.

s u n 11.23.03 | 5:30 pm
"lately i see her ribbons and her bows have fallen from her curls."

i'm a spazz and i woke up half an hour after my shift started at work. fuck. well anyway. it was crazy at work today but i am starting to enjoy it more. i think i am just getting used to it all and used to the people i am working with. they're good folk.

today i went to target and trader joe's. i have not gone grocery shopping in about a month for lack of free time and target is just one of the best stores ever. don't laugh but i bought little women and edward scissorhands on dvd for $9.44 each. i have a crush on winona ryder, i know. it's hard for me not to.

i have too much to do today and i am going to lock myself in my room until it all gets done. the kitty is coming tomorrow and i want the house to be sparkling for her. my weeks are pretty full for the next few months. book me up while you can.

you might not see me for a really long time. take my word for it. i hardly have time to do the laundry. i end up doing it at 5 in the morning because that's the only time i have anymore for "me" time. if you can even call laundry that. forget free reading and crafts these days. if i'm not in class i'm at work and if i'm not there i'm drinking to relieve the stress caused by the two.

now it is time to curl up to bob dylan and finish massive amounts of homework. i know you love me and bob dylan. my favorite bob dylan song of all time is "just like a woman." she takes just like a woman. she aches just like a woman. but she breaks just like a little girl.

s u n 11.23.03 | 12:27 am
what i want. what i get.

guess what, everybody. i bedded someone else tonight that i just met. i figured since i am on a winning streak i might as well polish off my weekend with yet another.

no. i'm actually pissed off right now. i worked until 1030 and i went to deposit my paycheck at the atm near my house. you know, it is on the way. whatever. but no. it slipped into some strange slot in the atm machine before i could deposit it because my hands were full and it fell right into it.

just like how my garage key fell right into the slot between the dash and the glass in my car. who makes these things and why would they do that? that. is. the. question. so fuck. there goes $200 until i can get the company to give me a new check or break open the atm.

collin called me while i was at work and wondered what i was doing and if i wanted to drink. i called him back when i got off work and he didn't pick up. i envision him seeing my name on the phone and then putting the phone back into his pocket. that boy confuses me. especially since he has a girlfriend and he knows that i want him.

i don't know what is going on with me or with the people i have interest in. will arty call me back. will collin. do i really care anymore. i guess. but i try not to. if you don't care you won't hurt.

i made $40 at the atm when some guys came in and tried to help me. one of them said "is this your girlfriend?" to some other guy and the guy said "ha, i wish." and in my head i said "no, you don't. why would you do that to yourself?" not that i am any more trouble than any other girl but it is all bound to end in tears and you have to ask yourself if that is what you really want.

one of the things that fell out of the bottom of the atm was an envelope which said guy opened and found $100 bill. first he gave me the $100 and i said "i can't." and he said "why can't you?" and i said, "i just can't." so he slipped $40 into my purse and said "you can."

but monday is my first day kittysitting [3 month old ball of fluff] and tuesday my digital camera is scheduled to arrive. so things aren't so bad. everything is falling into place. everything other than my paycheck and my love life, i mean.

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