s a t 11.22.03 | 5:21 am
the small birthmark below my navel

for the 2nd night in a row i am going to bed past five am. what the fuck is up with me. no. seriously. i feel like a mess. i am waiting for my laundry to finish so i can go to bed with clean sheets.

and i can sleep... alone. finally.

jesus.

what have i done. he just said he wanted to drink with me. so i said okay. so he said he'd come over. so we talked about stupid things and then he brushed his hand upon my bare stomach as if by accident and let it rest there for minutes at a time.

and he pointed to the small birthmark below my bellybutton and told me it was cute. he told me i was cute. funny how i heard the exact same thing this morning from a different guy.

the exact same thing. but it wasn't the same. it made me feel cheap.

not that i was expecting anything more than just what it was but it's never good when it ends with "yeah so i'll see you on monday." nope.

i don't know what i wanted but i don't want to feel like that. so he left and then i took a shower and started laundering the sheets and the clothes i was wearing. immediately.

he met me in the dark hallway and pushed me against the wall and then pulled me into my room and on my bed. i don't know why i feel the need to bed two different people in one day. okay honestly this is enough. i draw the line here. the 2 guys in one day thing is too much.

what am i running away from. although parts of me want to settle down the other parts of me cannot bear the idea of being with just one person. if i found the right one i suppose i could make some sacrifices but this would have to be one hell of a person that wants me very badly and does not want to share. it would have to be one crazy fucking love.

i don't know what i am doing but all i know is that i am not sure that i want to keep doing it.

f r i 11.21.03 | 12:51 pm
3 2 1 take off

if you could see me, you would see that i am glowing. yes, actually. yes, really. glowing. being single is the best thing ever conceived once again. sometimes it is the devil's joke but it has now come back full circle to being the best thing ever. meeting new people is the best thing ever.

i went to 2 keggers last night. both shut down. but i tapped both kegs. yes, thank you. and one of them was filled with newcastle. umm. hello. newcastle is my lover. what frat party gets a keg of good beer, like actually good beer? the rad one.

fuck coors light fuck bud light and your mom. just kidding. i'm really not that picky. i will honestly drink almost anything. but when the good stuff comes out i am in love.

i am over collin. i let the voicemail pick up. i called once. and did not leave a message. that is it. i am through. you blow. i forgot about him anyway sometime between last night and this morning.

i woke up laying on the chest of someone i could "quite possibly" like very much. he said "quite possibly" after he said "maybe we can change positions" and i was swooning. i don't know how these things happen.

i don't know what i did right but something had to give. i was not expecting to bed the only person i have had an intense weird crush on for all last year. the weird kind where you never ever talk to them and have not met them at all but yet every time you see them it is like your heart is getting bigger.

we fell asleep on the beach with arms and legs in a mess with sand in my hair with nothing to worry about and clouds covering up the stars with waves barely glowing a green as the algae fades.

he is playing a show soon and i want to go. he played guitar and sang for me this morning.

who would have thought. and who knew he was even better than advertised in just about every way. if he does not call me i am okay with that but if he does call me i am also okay with that.

t h u r s 11.20.03 | 7:08 pm
i came home to rosemary's baby

.. on the television because my roommates are just that cool. i had a really good day today. i'm not sure if things are really quite changing or if they're really quite there but they're definitely moving somewhere in some direction towards some place. and that is good enough for me.

i am looking into going to costa rica for the summer to do volunteer work. it sounds really exciting. i went to a meeting today and it just sounds like something that will change my life. and i love change.

cute guy in my italian class passes little notes to me and asks for my number and wants to drink with me and it is very innocent and third grade as of yet. but i suspect that any moment it will not be so. i am waiting to discover the myth and the mystery behind frat boys since i have never experienced them wholly. will it live up to the expectations? can they really drink that much?

we'll see.

the collin situation has since turned into a more comfortable awkward silence with words thrown in between. words like "i don't regret it." "i don't want it to be awkward." also "yeah, call me tonight."

a little confusing but on the whole, i am going along with it. and i am definitely going along with three keggers tonight. if there is beer to be tapped, handles to be emptied, i am always there to lend a hand. and so i shall be. in full fucking effect with my girl teera, with my babe gabe, with my anna darling and plus some. with all the hotties rolled into one car.

w e d n e s 11.19.03 | 11:43 pm
really fucking weird.

so i made it home to burbank within half an hour. i gave my mom a kiss-kiss and a present and i went to our old high school to pick up a transcript and then i went with demetra to get marvin's shot. i love that dog.

she was trembling she was so scared and i just don't know how to comfort a small dog. so i tried to hold her paw and tell her it would be okay.

and it was.

i bought a cigarette case today and some new earrings. i'm not picking up smoking. i only do it when i am drinking or when i need to just sit and think and be calm and slow the fuck down.

you seem to find the strangest people that you would never expect to find working in the stores that you shop at constantly... working behind the register in your own town. it isn't haunting but it is very weird. i wish i could explain it better than i am doing.

the guy i liked, the one he is seeing works in my hometown. and i found that out today. and she recognized me kinda sorta but not really. she's incredibly good looking and just adorable. i think if i were a boy i might pick her over me anyway.

it's understandable.

t u e s d a y 11.18.03 | 11:46 pm
word. to. big. bird.

today i took an hiv test because my friend was going anyway and i decided what the hell.

my life feels like... i'm just not into it that much. and when you aren't into your own life, i think that is a problem.

i just want to paint abstract art and lay in bed all day drinking ice-blended chai playing with a kitty or a puppy. i think i miss the love of a man. i'm not sure. it's been a few days but it's not that i miss the physical act, i miss having someone i love to do it with.

yeah. that's it. i've totally figured it out. shit. i'm good.

and it's so hard to find the right person to love. so i'm not looking. when it is ready, it will be ready for pick up or delivery.

delivery. with white glove service, thank you very much.

it is rough times in my heart. i'm going shopping for a bubbler soon... after i get my pay check. fuck. yeah. double kegger on thursday. woo woo. things really aren't as bad as they seem.

it'll be okay as long as i have a warm blanket and drugs and parties. and also a kitty. which i will have soon. well. kinda.

i called demetra and teera today because they are high on my list of most lovable people in all the world ever. time to write an essay about myself. yay. time to smoke a j and walk along the beach alone. word.

t u e s d a y 11.18.03 | 6:49 pm
lay me down gently

great pain makes great art. i think just any strong feeling makes great art. my painting teacher is the coolest guy ever. i like getting called miss tiffany and it seems like that pet name is catching on with lots of people now. he asked me why i looked so sad and i was embarassed to tell him why.

oh, you know, because that guy in our class is pure fucking confusion and why did he bring his girlfriend to class today. yeah. i got a "hi how are you." no, maybe it was a "hey what's up tiffany." even more impersonal.

so i took a ten minute break to call teera and then i skipped out of class early to go home. he said "it is fine. you made an awesome painting and you have good taste in music. at least those things are going well. go home and rest." i said "thanks. see you thursday."

maybe i am asexual. maybe i am meant to celibate. it's not that i want a relationship, it's that i'm sick of the current situation. whatever the fuck that is.

i need something to change drastically. i want everything to get all shaken up. i'm too picky. what the fuck. a couple more months and it will be a year since the first time last year i started my trek of the single life only to go falling back into the hole.

i want to spoon, goddamnit. with someone that is smart, cute, unlike everyone else. someone that will roll joints for me no question. being a man and a couple years older is a plus. looking like a pirate with a foxy beard is also optional.it is the people you want out of your head that stay there the most, it is the people you never think twice about that are after you. fuck.

i just want to disappear right now. my digital camera is coming in 5 business days. prepare yourself for a photographic orgasm. i still want to disappear right now.

m o n 11.17.03 | 1:42 am
hi dee HO let's roll

i went to the baked potato tonight to hear katisse's jazz funk hip hop fusion band and i must say, i'll be damned. i felt cool just by association being in that tight corner in that tiny, intimate jazz club and knowing katisse and sue being my roommate and with anna and tim driving me to hollywood and back.

rad.

it's very hard for me to get up and go to work. i just realize that it is one of the things i have to do because i am expected to go and i try to think of the every other friday that will eventually come and i will eventually have a check. i try. that is all that gets me to go. the check, the check. think of the check.

the guy the other night pulled on my hair. and at first my thought was what the fuck. then it was okay. then it was okay enough. you're not that good that you get to pull my hair.

teera has convinced me. so has sue. it needs to be had with mountain man. it is just one of those things that i want to do... only for the reason of being able to get it done. only because it is somewhat of a challenge and i am strangely attracted to any challenge.

and once it happens, victory will have never tasted so fucking sweet. it will happen. oh yes, it will.

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