s a t 11.16.03 | 4:26 am
when i was bad

it is four am. i have to really start getting out of this cycle of g oing to bed this late. i went to a kegger with my friend brandon that i've known since my wee years.

brandon is fucking awesome. he calls me. he picks me up in newport beach. he takes me around. he shows me a good time at a decent kegger. he tells me to call him anytime and he will find me and take me home. he leaves. that's fine. i go home with his sort of friend which i now have learned has a girlfriend.

which is fine because i didn't like him at all. i just think it is pretty fucked up of him.

but anyway. fuck. i just wreck all the homes around here, don't i.

and at four am i wake up to brandon at the apartment i am at. he found me. i love this guy. so fucking dependable and i love it.

i hear his voice from the bed. and i wake up and dress myself hastily and poof we are gone and out of this place where i didn't want to spend the whole night anyway.

yeah. why does he have a girlfriend.

not that i want anything to do with him just why would you do that to someone else. i mean fuck.

i didnt know. nobody fucking told me. the collin situation is rotting in my brain but i don't think there is anything to be done, i just think it has been built up too much and there is tension now and i just wish he would have told me that way earlier and not let it build up and talk to me all the time and call me and what not.

but now there is tension and tension fucking blows. i'm going to bed now. i have a long day of work ahead. it's either work or school every fucking day and it fucking blows. blooooooooooows, i say. but at least i am making the monies! woo woo. beep beep. in conclusion: brandon rocks. collin is a question mark. kyle is a no don't talk to me again because you have a girlfriend. checkity checkity check. and brandon has recommended one of his other friends for me tonight and i think the other friend has fucking awesome potential. further reiterates the brandon goodness. go!

"oh pretty baby, you're so naive, but it comes out so cute."

11.15.03 | 3:59 am
i need a hug.

how does one explain. let's try.

i kissed three people tonight at my house. a bisexual man (75% into men 25% into ladies as described to me later), a girl good friend that has a boyfriend, and there was this guy, you know, whatever. there was only one that really mattered to me though, the rest was just for fun. the one should have just been for fun too.

"it's not you just the circumstances."

hmm i don't like the sound of that. "i like you a lot, you know." (knee touch) okay, still good at this point. "it's just... i'm... seeing someone." umm. why are you here? why did you come and why are you talking to me? "okay. fine." pause and i think i gave him the face of YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. so he says "you're gorgeous, you know." leans in and then a kiss. nothing. nothing. nothing.

get out. go away. don't talk to me. why would you do that? why can't i understand what you are trying to do?

i'm so sick. i don't want to lay eyes on you again.

go. gone. fine. bye. boy talk is so fucking convoluted why would you fucking do that to me. why do you even talk to me. i mean fuck.

fuck. you. collin. if i had a heart it would have cracked about 2 hours ago. just when you think you have found something different you realize that you found the exact same person in a different shell. the exact same fucking person that did the same things and made you feel exactly the same way as you did before when you felt like nothing.

t h u r s d a y 11.13.03 | 11:34 pm
what can you do, who can you love

oh my god i'm so stressed out i can't think. i can't breathe. and my head is in a million places at once. scarlett said to do my journal to get it out, to focus so i can learn a few chapters of chemistry as if i am seeing them for the first time.

fuck.

why do i do this to myself.

fuck fuck fuck.

oh well. this is how it has to be. this is how i do things. this is how i like it.. rough.

so there is a party tomorrow at my house and it looks like i will be the only one attending out of all my roommates. i need a fucking stiff drink or ten to calm these shot nerves.

i need to relax.

so there is a boy i met this quarter that i have been working on twice a week and now it looks like he is working on me too. he is older than me by four years. he is nice. he lives near me. he likes good music. it just feels good to have something to work on. to see something and watch if it develops.

he seems like a good guy.

then i think about it a little more, and at the surface it seems like i am dating the same people over and over as far as habits go. as far as drugs go. as far as that goes.

and not that i am against that. i'm just not attracted to boys that don't smoke pot. is that weird? or do all boys i come into contact with smoke pot every fucking day.

i'm nobody's mother (except in my recent nightmares.) i'm nobody's babysitter. i do what i want. i wouldn't ask more of anyone else. that's just how it is. that's just how i am.

so i am just trying to make it alive to tomorrow night because that is when i get to see the people i love the most, the people most like me. the people i adore. and we get to have quality time.

we get to make drinks, make sex, make fun. there is one person that i want to show up more than anyone else. and i feel bad putting so much pressure over something that is so much of nothing as of yet. i don't know if i am ready for such big things. i think i am ready for something but i don't know if it is this. if it is what i have been telling myself to stay away from for awhile.

11.12.03 | 12:40 am
break me off a piece

you can completely disregard everything i'm about to say. i'm tired. i'm stressed out. my brain is moving at the speed of light and i feel like everything is about to crumble into ruin like a house of cards.

i'm so stressed out right now. i can't think. i can't breathe. all i know is that i have to finish so much in so little time. so much. so little. not enough.

and now i have work to go to, i have applications to fill out, i have midterms to finish up, i have a party on friday.

i am just trying to make it to friday. that is all i am trying to do here. that and get a good grade in calculus, get a decent grade on my 2nd chemistry midterm, be a better painter, learn italian so i can go to school there for a year, and win the heart of someone i don't even know.

i don't even fucking know.

that's right, 2nd chemistry midterm. we're on the quarter system here around these parts. at the end of 10 weeks you are already done with the course. you already have taken your final and two midterms, not one. every three weeks take a test that will break your grade.

break break break. i need a break.

i bought so many clothes today that it hurts my soul to think of how many hours it will take me to work it off. goddamn me and my bad habits.

but honestly, when i hear that someone is saving up $300 to spend on their significant other for this anniversary this for that holiday that, i am lucky that i get to spend all that time, all that money on little old me. just me. that's all. just me. i feel like everyone that is in a relationship has some warped sense of reality. love fucks you up.

it makes you argue over stupid shit. it makes you get jealous over nothing. it makes you cry. it makes you sad. it makes you hate someone else. it makes you love when you don't need to. when i see someone in love i see a disease like the fucking black plague sweeping across the land. they forget to think of themselves because they are so consumed in someone else, in doing something to please someone else. not themselves. no time for themselves. nothing for themselves.

what a crock of shit. i don't know why i am being a bitter i just think it is the stress getting to my brain. fuck. i will probably eat these words the next time i fall head first into love. but let's not cross our fingers just yet.

let's just breathe.

m o n d a y 11.10.03 | 5:54 pm
it is flowing through, it goes into you

i keep thinking it is tuesday. i want it to be thursday. then it will be friday. then it will be a fiesta... up my skirt. that is the name of the gathering. teera helped me concoct it. together we have a mastermind. even if the one person that i want to show up doesn't show up... it is still a fiesta up my skirt. and that is all i need to know. with a name like that, how can you go wrong?

a new digital camera will be swinging my way within 3 to 7 business days and i am in love. so. very. fucking. happy. how i've missed having one to carry around with me everywhere. prepare yourself for a photographic orgasm once it arrives.

it'll come to the doorstep and i will rip the cardboard off it and once again feel whole.

tomorrow there is no school and that is a fucking miracle. tomorrow is my usual 9-6 day so good for me.

today i got home from school by 12:30 and laid in bed with the hot sun dripping through the blinds with the cold wind stuck outside with the headphones wrapped around me and it has never ever felt so good to just be alone. completely alone and disappearing fast. it's not often that it feels so good.

but when it does you have to take it and run with it. my horoscope says otherwise.

"This influence is most likely to arouse your interest in being with a partner, because it most strongly affects the sex drive. You may want to make love with someone even though you do not care for him or her emotionally." part true, part lie i suppose.

s u n d a y 11.09.03 | 2:41 pm
the leaves are falling down

there is a world war going on inside my head, i swear. i must devise a strategem. i think too much. sometimes not enough. too much about the wrong things though.

i watched ben harper live at midnight with my love, teera. she picked me up and we're spending a day in burbank and she's taking me home to newport later. we're going to eat dinner together. girls make the best companions. other than not getting any for like a week, i would say friendships with girls run quite well. much more smoothly than relationships with the males of the species.

speaking of males... after having a talk with scarlett over devising my strategem to maximize returns (doesn't it turn you on how i talk about my love life like i am at a company meeting) i have set guidelines.

i am not at liberty to discuss them with you at this time but if you would like to make a private appointment i would gladly disclose this information. standard procedure, you see.

l e s s | m o r e