s a t u r d a y 11.08.03 | 11:16 am
adelphia cable sucks balls and other stories

our cable is out and so goes out internet. well, actually, just the cable in my room has been shot. so i'm sneaking off to claire's room.

so much has happened in such a small amount of time. i love when that happens. i like things to be constantly changing. any change to me is a good thing. well not any change but even if it does change for the worse i like challenges and being forced to deal with difficult trials and tribulations and everything of the like. and besides, if things are constantly changing i know that they will eventually change for the better. and hope is a beautiful thing.

i realized that i don't like my new job. but after receiving my first paycheck i realized that it's worth doing something you don't like if you get paid every two weeks.

why don't i like it? i don't like being uncomfortable and as of yet i don't know what the hell is going on. and also i don't like dealing with rich snooty types but in newport beach, what can you expect? hello, have you seen the o.c.? thought so.

i want to lay on the beach today alone and meet a new friend but alas i am spending the bulk of today at work. quelle horreur.

if there was ever a time that i needed a stiff drink, it is lately. that is why it is a relief that i am pulling a double party stunt in the coming week. good for me.

i spend hours daydreaming of things i want to happen. a warm breath against my skin, teeth running along my collarbone, hands everywhere, clothes nowhere, soft sheets, soft skin, how i want this week to end.

i need to be loved if only for a weekend.

w e d n e s d a y 11.05.03 | 10:52 pm
searching at the ocean's bottom

for pirate bootay. for buried treasure.

i want things to be like at the end of a television sitcom where at the end of 30 minutes or an hour everything turns out perfect. the progression is slow but it is so refined, so concentrated, so focused. everything works out. and if it doesn't, it shall be resolved by the end of the season.

commercial breaks too for when things get too intense, it just feels like the sky is falling, like the world is about to fucking cave and leave you in its dusty rubble, in its dirty ruin.

i wish things weren't complicated. i wish people didn't have to play games and fuck with your head. say what you mean. do what you say. mean what you mean.

i don't know why i'm getting frustrated over things that never even had a chance to get started. there is technically absolutely nothing, and i mean nothing, to be mad about.

in these rough times we have only each other's hands to hold. but when you are gone i have nothing to hold. i have nothing to say. i have nothing to mean. it all fades into the haze that rests on the horizon. the pollution that clouds the november skies. i just want to go far far away from here.

almost any change would be welcome. that's a dangerous situation.

w e d n e s d a y 11.22.03 | 3:03 pm
we can rebuild you.

i am feeling much better today. i went to bed early and slept in, 11-8, and teera said that was what i should do. she was right.

i am making a habit of talking to demetra and teera every day whenever i have a gap in my classes. it helps to pass the time and i like catching up with them. and also, making demetra feel loved which is a top priority. i should call jenni more but she is pretty busy with school. still i should.

today i stopped by borders because it is on my way home from school to look at some art magazines. i saw kirsten dunst on the cover of elle and my heart skipped a beat because i think she is adorable. didn't buy it. instead i bought 2 cookbooks and 2 books for my pleasure.

i know. you are thinking.. wait, what? why did you buy a cookbook, not one but two! and i am telling you, pendejo, i can cook. i think i can at least. i bought one book for beginners. it is the equivalent of those yellow covered books that might say "cooking for dummies" but in a more classy style. cause i am a classy girl!

it's so nice being able to actually buy the things you want and not feel awful about it. having a job is a really really nice deal.

i am painting a nude woman for my midterm painting assignment because figure painting and drawing is something i am not that shabby at and i don't mind it. it's kinda exciting too to paint a nude woman. i am taking titian's venus d'urbino and transposing it into a vintage french poster. i rock. if you can envision it, you also rock.

guess what, i got 86/100 points on my calc midterm and that is without any curve. and the mean was in the low 60s. i just plain rocky the socky today.

t u e s d a y 11.21.03 | 9:55 pm
oh, you need to be loved!

my health has turned to complete shit for the past two days. it sets me back a bit. i feel tired all the time. i don't want to party this weekend. i don't feel like anything except hot tea and warm bed. too bad that bed is empty.

there aren't that many people that i am attracted to in every way, shape, and form. most people get a check in one of the following categories: friendly, attractive, smart, funny, something like that. few people get me in every way. few few few.

so when i find one, which is rare, i want to keep them in my pocket. i want to have them. i don't want to take no for an answer. this is just how i work.

i guess i'm lonely. i guess i am picky. i would hook up with a few people. i would date even fewer. i would date exclusively even fewer than fewer. i don't know. if everything isn't perfect, why settle for something mediocre? i don't know.

i think i got sad today because i found someone that i've been focusing on but i can't have him and it's frustrating. i'm celibate lately. not by choice. well, sorta i guess in some fucked up way i did choose it so.

it's so hard getting to know someone or finding someone to like in every single way possible. keeping a relationship is hard, being in one is hard, getting over one is hard. fuck love and all its forms and phases.

robert might visit me this month. i like him. parts of me miss him but things are different now. i'm different now. some people might say this is a step backward. but i don't care. if it feels right, do it. if it makes you unhappy, stay away. it's simple.

in theory, anyway.

m o n d a y 11.03.03 | 5:51 pm
sue tried to take home someone's cat from a house on the boardwalk.

i think about one minute after this picture was taken i was grossed out because the random guy behind me in the picture was letting through something moist in my butt area where he was rubbing up against me and so i decided to take a seat. then the most random, ickiest boys kept coming up to me and for about five minutes i would have just liked to have someone on my arm that would act as a gross boy repellent.

so i sat on the lap of scarlett's boyfriend's roommate and he saved me from further awkward conversations with boys trying to "get to know me" and "what does 'kiss me to get on it' mean?" "it means nothing," i'd say as i covered it up with my hand like a complete bitch that i am forced to be with an unwanted boy is doing completely unwanted things to me.

but what can you do? when people are drunk they get a little harder to talk to.

today i think i aced an italian test and i didn't have to go into work because it was raining and people don't usually shop in outdoor malls when it's raining out. woo woo.

so i walked on the beach with all my roommates and it was the most beautiful thing i've seen in weeks. it was the way i dream of the ocean when it is clear and not hazy and you can see all the way out to catalina and there is a thin strip of sunlight and sunset showing through the millions of colors of blue painted onto the thickest, bushiest clouds ever made.

i want to spoon and i want to be the pudding, not the spoon. i want to wake up with someone that isn't a dog on my pillow. yes, it would be grand. and not just anybody. i've realized that i'm very picky when it comes to serious things. i don't just want to bed anybody. unless they are incredibly wonderful off the bat and there is animal magnetism.

but it's hard to find, yes it is.

s u n d a y 11.02.03 | 11:29 pm
baby you look so good it hurts sometimes

teera sent me pictures from halloweenie. HALLOWEENIE was very good considering i didn't even drink that much. enough to feel something.

teera wanted to find a wayne. she found a wayne. i kissed the wayne. she kissed the wayne. then teera kissed me. that is how it is done, everyone. that is how it goes when you are with ting tang and chow mein. ting tang walla walla bing bang.

we watched FISTS OF FURY right before we went out and let's just say that bruce lee is still the man. even dubbed. and ting tang and chow mein are his hoes. really, those are the names. who gave that the "okay," honestly? i mean, it's funny. but honestly.

ooh eeh ooh ah ah. ting, tang, walla walla bing BANG.

so i went to work tonight and got to decorate the wits out of two christmas trees and fold $70 chenille throws and also meet a nice boy from my school. i like making new friends.

"so does tiffany sleep with a lot of people?"
"noo! i mean, you know, she's friendly. she likes to meet a lot of people, you know?"

that's how the roommates talk. today when i was leaving work and i was the only car in the parking lot at 10pm and it was very windy out and i saw a dollar bill under my car and i wasn't about to pick it up until i thought about it.

if i don't pick it up, someone else will just pick it up and since this is fashion island in newport beach, the odds are they will be a newport nancy and fancy pants and in that case, i need this dollar more than they do. when i picked it up off the ground, there was a twenty dollar bill just under my car. it blew under.

i picked that one up too. i was afraid something bad would happen on the way home since i picked up the money. i guess it was my lucky night though. time to buy groceries now! yay! ha. just kidding. i'm not starving. i'm just on a tight budget.

very tight. skin tight. spray-painted on paints tight.

s u n d a y 11.02.03 | 4:56 pm
the things that go bump in the night

i've been starting to read my horoscope every day. since i met sue, i have been much more into astrology and not the cheesy shit on the back cover of seventeen magazine that tells you you should buy a pink mini skirt this month and you will find a hot date! i mean the real deal. not that i mind the hot date part, but please.

i kind of dread going to work right now just because i feel so uncomfortable there. i just don't know where anything is or even what to really do in any given situation. i suppose i will get the hang of it but i am afraid that once i get the hang of it, the season will be over and i am for now just a seasonal employee.

poot and double poot.

there are some things that i want so badly to happen but i have pretty good luck when it comes to really truly needing loving desiring something. when it doesn't work out i quickly dismiss it like i never wanted it at all and like with lots of things i forget that they ever happened.

i really truly want the guy in my painting class. i really truly want to go to school in italy. i really truly want to go to work right now. yup.

*picture is from the fire in burbank a while ago, not the one that just happened last week. my mom gave me the thumb's up to buy a new digital camera so i said "okay mommy."

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