s a t u r d a y 11.01.03 | 6:40 pm
the hype behind isla vista

i just got home from santa barbara. if you haven't heard, ucsb has a reputation of being a party school. if you're not in the know, halloween is a very big deal there. that's what they are known for. that's what they do best. if you don't know santa barbara, all the cool kids live in isla vista. isla vista is on the beach. the street on the beach is del playa. del playa rocks my motherfucking socks.

this being my first halloween at sb, i was curious as to what it would really be like. would it be just hype like sdsu? would it be a myth? i was unsure of what to expect.

i came dressed to impress. some people may say my costume was scandalous, i even heard slutty... but to me, halloween is the day to be what you usually can't, to wear what you usually shouldn't. yes there were thigh-high fishnets, garter skirts with bows and ruffles, a shirt (if you could even call it that), pigtails, and a hat to top it off.

and oh what a hat. teera made me a pin that said "kiss me to get on it." and i put a sharpee in my bra. when there was a boy to kiss, there was the warm pen to sign my sailor hat.

i think i made a good sailor. last halloween i went to my first rave. this halloween i went to santa barbara. next halloween? santa barbara. i am re-considering attending this school after rejecting their offer in 2002. they are definitely growing on me.

t h u r s d a y 10.30.03 | 7:28 pm
pretty baby, oh don't you cry.

i saw anna today. she's a cool girl. i don't have any new pictures. but this one is pretty old and i never used it. so.. thursday night. sigh of relief. i'm just glad i made it this far. this week was draggin' on way too fucking long. woo woooo par-tay tomorrow. i love halloween so much that it's hard to put into words.

the thought that gets me through most situations is remembering that no matter what, everything will end up okay. it will be the way it is supposed to be and nothing is ever so bad that it can't be fixed, repaired in some way. try again and get it right, try something else. whatever.

i made a new friend this week. we talk about things. we talk about nothing. he's older. he lives near me. he gives me a funny feeling. makes me nervous but relaxed all at once. and it's been a long time since someone gave me the feeling. i wonder if i ever give people the feeling without knowing it. i wonder if i give him the feeling.

i hope i do. the feeling is nice. i'm feeling very social lately. it's quite new and strange.

i'm having a party in november. i hope all the nice people show up. last party left a bad taste in my mouth but let's hope this one is sa-weeeet. i'm leaving for santa barbara tomorrow straight from school. it's quite exciting for me and my pants. happy halloween to me and to you.

w e d n e s d a y 10.29.03 | 11:48 pm
i want to spoon.

it feels like i just got home from work. ate a bun. brushed my teeth. watched "fraternity life" because i needed to just veg out and stare at the television for a few minutes. but it's almost midnight. i got home before ten. this is how it goes.

i'm exhausted. my brain is exhausted. i have been doing my schoolwork lately and this translates into this overall physical fatigue that runs through my entire body.

owwwwww.

i just want to sleep right now but i need to do chemistry (estimated time: 1 hour) and italian (estimated time: 20 min) and i am so through with calculus for today. no more no more no more.

i have come to the realization that i want a live-in boyfriend. but then scarlett told me "you don't want a boyfriend. you said that." and i say "okay, i want a live-in male." can't we just spoon and make out and make sweet love and make rough sex and then kiss goodbye and hang out some other time when it's convenient?

what's wrong with just enjoying someone's company and nothing cramped and forced about it either? today i got lonely. i don't know why. sometimes everyone just needs hands to hold and lips to kiss when they're not drunk.

w e d n e s d a y 10.29.03 | 3:20 pm
tracing the silhouette of your face makes my heart race

sue took pictures of me with her webcam. i am trying to capture the excitement i feel for my favorite holiday in the year. when i was little i thought my favorite was christmas. and i still like christmas but it gets so stressful sometimes. halloween is good with no stress at all. you even get to party.

i have work in a couple hours and i work from six to ten tonight. not a bad shift but i just need to get some work done before i take off. things are about to get really busy around here.

today i had a calculus midterm and when i woke up this morning i was feeling very confident, very "i'm gonna rock this shit like biznass is my middle name." but it's hard to say after the test. i'd be disappointed if i did less than average. and then there's the curve.

painting class is my favorite class. sometimes i go in and don't talk to anybody. other times i go in and make new friends and joke with the ta and talk to the teacher about music. and now i have a new friend and a new fantasy to occupy my quiet minutes.

sometimes i live more through my daydreams than my waking life. and it's dangerous. i'm not expecting anything to happen soon but i am just looking for some kind of connection with someone. anyone.

you can hook up with the whole undergrad program of ucsb but it doesn't mean you want to spend time with them while you're sober, you know. i kid, i joke.

t u e s d a y 10.28.03 | 11:17 pm
who's gonna muthafukkin stop me

this week is moving so slowly. i think it is just the anticipation of this weekend's festivities. speaking of festive, i am dressing up for school on friday. i think that is a pretty ballsy move. i want everyone in my calc, chem, and italian classes to see how much of a sailor girl i can really be.

so i studied three hours yesterday and two hours today for a calculus midterm that i have tomorrow. i studied with this one guy that at first i thought i might be attracted to but this quickly fizzled out and i was left with a study buddy. really. just studying and nothing else. i think i am turned off because he seems too goody goody. that sounds like this must be a bad thing. let's think about it.

the other two males that i am currently greatly attracted to are scruffy and they both smoke. both. smoke. and more. i don't know what it is with me. it is an animalistic magnetism that draws me in to people that aren't clean cut and perfect.

i like bad things. and i don't feel that comfortable being around someone that disapproves of things that i like and want to do and do whenever i can and want to.

being single is so much easier than being tied down with your heart in a mason jar. i can't imagine being in a relationship now or.. anytime soon at all. it's too much everything. too much drama. too much control. too much to worry about. why would i want to bring all that fuss into my already busy life? why would i want to feel obligated to be with just one person? i am starting to think more like a boy than a wussy girl. but it's true. it makes sense.

i just want to have a good time. and that's what i aim to do. that's what i end up doing. that's what i'm doing this week and this weekend and every day for the rest of my life. as peaches would say, "who's gonna muthafukkin' stop me?"

m o n d a y 10.27.03 | 3:53 pm
you know it you love it you want it you got it

i just got back from being in the ocean. it was actually really warm today in newport beach. the water was still cold as fuck but the whole sky here is a hazy golden shade and you can't even see fifty feet out into the water, it just fades into a smokey shade.

it's beautiful. it looks exactly the way i dream of the ocean. the glassy faces and the big waves that crash and boom and pound more than roll into shore.

and when it pounded me it felt good.

and that's not supposed to be sexual... unless you want it to be. i get lots of stares when i am wearing my bikini that is a suedey material that matches the shade of my skin. it's like they're not sure if i'm naked or not. but come on, i'm not naked. stop.

this week is going to be a good week, i can tell. it's already starting with a bang, and ending with a number of bangs hopefully. take that sexually... i want you to. i'm very pleased with my halloween costume. the best costumes are the ones you put together yourself and not the ones you buy out of some plastic bag kit with a picture on the front that looks nothing like the contents.

i spent like half an hour at target today and got a few bags of items for my target-loving self. i'm a bad girl.

and i'm going to be a very bad girl on friday. head's up. if you're in santa barbara on friday, find me. whoever kisses me gets to sign my sailor hat. boys and girls welcome. i'm so bad. being bad has never felt so goooooooood.

s u n d a y 10.26.03 | 6:57 am
taking one for the team.

who forgot it was the end of daylight savings time? i did. so i'm up an hour earlier for my first day of work than i really need to be but since i'm already up it's hard for me to fall asleep again once i get up and start doing anything. anything at all.

my weekend is cut short and i've set aside today for homework and studying after i get home from... what? oh yeah, work. hmm. i hope that works out. the studying too.

i saw demetra and teera on friday night and we ate at harry's-- reigns supreme over all coffee shops everywhere. i spent all of saturday with teera in hollywood searching for items for my halloween costume.

i'm going to be a sailor.

i'm really excited. i get to wear my newest fishnets, how could i not be. as i have said before, halloween is an excuse to dress skank. and since i have never fully taken advantage of this... i am now going to with teera on my arm. there's fishnets, there's a garter skirt with bows and ruffles, a sailor shirt that zips up only to the right places because it is meant for a small child... and that's it. wait, there's pigtails and a sailor hat too. let's not forget.

i'll take pictures? lots of them.

my friends are so rad. they are like fine wine. they just get better with age. they are good car, best car. we are so close that we have decided that if any of us gets some, it is like we are all getting some. take one for the team.

okay, time to get ready. ciao.

l e s s | m o r e