w e d n e s d a y 10.15.03 | 7:36 pm
it's not cold, it's all in my head.

okay, i do feel much better today. it is the small random things like watching the sunset on the beach and blowing bubbles. getting smiled at and waved at by the guy on the lowrider bicycle. the car full of boys driving in front of me on the way back from school that were all yelling and being fun. the picketers that waved at me from their curb next to albertsons. yes.

don't worry bout a thing. cause every little thing is gonna be alright.

there's so much to do and so little time.

i painted today. it was therapeutic. they say that. i guess they are right. it's nice to be able to just sit quietly alone for an hour and just focus on something completely recreational. and when you're done, you've made something nice.

even if it isn't nice, i bet your mom still thinks it's nice. cause moms do that.

i should be attacking a mountain of homework but instead i want to get drunk and have promiscuous sex. is it so wrong? i feel so much better today.

today i pondered if it is possible for me to be a lesbian. and just how late onset can it be? that was until i decided that i was just having a dry spell with males and that i actually am probably not a lesbian. probably. i wouldn't mind a new experience. but no, not a lesbian. "loves the cock."

t u e s d ay 10.14.03 | 7:23 pm
something pure so deep inside

i don't know what it is but i don't feel well. today i ate a bowl of cereal at 8am, a reese's peanut butter cup at 1pm, half a sandwich at 6pm, one popsicle, chips and salsa, and two large glasses of water at 7pm. is it me or is my diet bad?

i just don't feel like going out. my body is sore and my self-esteem has hit bottom today.

no particular reason why. i just feel silly and like nothing i'm doing makes sense or is worth doing.

i wish i had the mentality of bryan. he just says to think of the bigger picture and everything should come back into perspective.

i was painting in painting class today but my perspective and my proportions are always a little off and it kinda makes me angry but the TA comes by and tells me not to worry and not to care because everything is not meant to come out perfect. besides, it is a style trait.

so i say okay.

you know, i just wish people would be honest instead of skirting the fucking issues. i was out from 9-6 today. it wasn't fun. i just want to crawl into bed and consume water only, clean myself from the insides out. give me another day to feel better. i think tomorrow i'll get it right.

t u e s d a y 10.14.03 | 2:07 am
do i miss you or what you used to mean to me?

it's 2 am. i have been listening to the new thursday album more and more lately and i think it is growing on me, like all thursday albums. track 07 is the best. robby says track 07 is good as a general rule. track 07 is called "this song brought to you by a falling bomb" and it is 2 minutes of great.

i keep listening to it on repeat. i don't know why i find a certain song that just sticks and says what i want to say in the way i wish i could say it and play it over and over until i can't anymore.

it's too bad i don't really have a knack for writing songs. sometimes poetry is just a hokey way for getting "snaps" with your black beret in your dark coffeehouses.

it's late. but strangely, i don't want to sleep. i just want the night to stretch on like the straight road leading out of and into the desert. you just see it going on and on, no end, no change, just nothing. and nothing has never felt so good before.

i called robert and we talked for two hours. people warn me but i don't think there's anything wrong. is that just the trouble with things? you never really see what's wrong with yourself until it's too late. you're already fucked.

my tired heart just wants something familiar to feel even if it is tired. like elliott smith says "got a broken heart with your name on the cast." what's done is done and i don't see anything wrong. i took this picture when i was driving to santa cruz. sometimes you see something so beautiful and everything is right again.

i miss feeling in love. and i can try to be bitter and pawn it off like i don't want to feel hurt. but feeling anything is feeling alive. just give me something strong. i know i can take it.

m o n d a y 10.13.03 | 9:41 pm
some things will never wash away.

sometimes i let things slip through and they really get to me. little things. and they end up eating me up inside and i try as hard as i can not to let it show because it pisses me off that it even has an effect on me. but it does and i can't fucking help it and i just let it work me to the fucking bones.

why am i so fucking passive all the time.

today was not a great day. it was just okay.

i went out in the water but i didn't catch anything. the waves just crash over me under me all over me and i am nothing and powerless inside it all.

my mind is really doing a number on me lately. i don't know what it is and i don't know what to do.

i think that i have everything so together and so perfect and i finally got it all to fit in my life and make sense. and then something small goes wrong and even when everything else is still intact part of me just believes that it's all or nothing. so black and white and nothing in between.

there is such a thing as partial credit. i'm just trying to believe that.

give me a day, some drugs, and everything will go back to normal. i think. if not, give me some more drugs and also sex. (lately i feel like i am in heat. is it unlady-like to say that if i don't get some soon my vagina will close up completely?)

hmm... just the drugs then? go away gloomy cloud that is resting over my head. shooooo.

s u n d a y 10.12.03 | 10:42 pm
i saw school of rock today with my daddy.

this weekend i saw my girlfriends. yes. i'm dating all three of them at once. they are divine. i did so much and it took all my energy. i am drained. i went to the hollywood forever cemetary with true love aka demetra. i went to amoeba! to jerry's famous deli. to the holiday inn. all around the town... painting it a bloody shade of red.

i have an interview tomorrow at the mall. yes, after my rejection from the art gallery, i have gone to retail for solace. i like clothes and i don't mind smiling or being nice to people. i think i am a good candidate.

i fold and sort clothes really well!

tomorrow i am also going to the education abroad office to discuss my schooling. where what when and how! if i end up spending even one year abroad, i will be happy. shit, i would be fine with a summer. a year would really do me in. two years would be the cat's pajamas.

the way i think of it... when else am i really going to have the chance to live in another country? when i get a real job i might have more money but i won't have the time. unless something really odd happens... and those things can't be counted on.

it seems like everyone and their mother is planning on going to italy for school and not to be silly but a small part of my brain is saying "step off." not that i don't want to share my love just that i want to do something alone. i'm sure when i am alone in a foreign country i will be singing another tune. but honestly, how can i properly get lost and immersed across the ocean when everyone is there?

i am swimming in schoolwork but i am trying not to think of it and actually, avoiding it altogether. i'm bad, i know. smack me around and tell me i am. that's how bad i am.

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