t h u r s d a y 10.09.03 | 7:58 pm
secretly just grow.

hi. i'm a little frustrated. i just did two chemistry assignments online (early, might i add, because i am a super student this quarter) and it did not record my full credit score. what the fuck?

i'm a little angry at it. if it doesn't record my score later i just wasted two hours figuring out trivial chemistry problems. empirical and molecular formulas to be exact.

i haven't been having the best day. i think it is the long hours at school that make me a bit cranky. it seems that a number of things go wrong when really... i'm just tired and not focusing.

but wait, there's more! two more webwork assignments to go tonight? what? thank you, sir. may i have another?

the internet is evil. who created webwork and where are they now and why didn't they make it so that it actually recorded the score when i spend my thursday evening at home doing it instead of sleeping or gallivanting?

okay. breathe. scarlett said that stress might make my stomach churn and that is why i am always feeling vomity. i wonder if that is the case. so i am trying to calm myself whenever i find myself getting anxious or stressed. my heart beating fast, difficulty breathing, vomit feeling, pounding headache. jesus. where are the drugs?

my mom always gets really stressed and worked up over little things. it's frightening and really unnecessary. in the end, i think we all turn out a little more like our parents than we'd like to think.

w e d n e s d a y 10.08.03 | 5:55 pm
girl, you'll be a woman soon.

i just got home from spending a couple hours at the beach. i feel so lucky to live here. it is kinda like everyone that lives where i live is in a little secret club because you always get "the nod," "the smile," or even a wave if they are nice. sometimes you get someone that isn't very nice and just stares at you. it's not like i have an arm out of my head or something. i don't know why they just stare at me.

i'm over it.

but i'm not over school which seems to be on the verge of getting harder and i am on the verge of nap nap napping my way through it. but that is not the way to transfer. no, sirree.

so i will try to hop to it and pretend to be good at calculus, like the asian person i was born to be.

every single day i find myself thinking more and more about my life in terms of... where am i going, what am i doing. i'm less worried than i used to be and more curious. there is so much to do, how ever will it all get done.

there is not an hour that passes that i do not think of when i'll be leaving to live in italy. and i haven't even got into the programs yet. i wonder how it will turn out, who i will meet, what i will do.

the picture is of when i was taking the boat to capri and the water was the bluest blue and the mist hung in the air around the island and all the cleanest shades of blue were in the water, all the pretty winding streets and the heat that you couldn't get away from no matter where you were on the island.

things are just getting started.

t u e s d a y 10.07.03 | 8:09 pm
go on, little one.

<--- this is sue. she is my roommate. she bangs away at the piano and she's fucking great at it. i wish she was at our apartment more. it always seems like she is at her boyfriend's.

which i kinda understand. but no, not really. there is a gaping canyon of difference between people that are in serious relationships and those that are not.

i see this now. it seems that the ones tied up can't see themselves without and the people without (though there are a few exceptions) don't really want to be tied down. i just want to have a good time.

then there are the people walking around looking for it and the ones that have some broken heart on their sleeve. i just want to nudge them and tell them it's okay and to get happy already. all you need is you!

but i know it's hard to hear that.

no one should have to go through certain things and when you're stuck you might wonder why. but it's okay and it'll be okay, you just have to let it go. i tried to let everything go and i think i am doing much better. no hate, no bitterness, just let it go. do what makes you happy, avoid what doesn't and that's all you gotta fucking do.

that is that.

i'm way tired. i was on campus for 9 hours. but you would be so proud because i got most of my homework done and now i can relax. except when i got home i wanted to and tried to vomit. tis true. i wonder if something is actually wrong with me or if i am just vomity lately.

i bought a radiohead poster and a vintage audrey hepburn poster and a new eyebrow bar. shopping makes me happy. see? did it. making bad art makes me unhappy. see? so i tried really hard in painting class today and i even got a "wow i really like it. it's coming along nicely!" from my teacher.

it's simple. now go on, get happy.

m o n d a y 10.06.03 | 6:37 pm
wish it so

i felt so sick this morning, so so very sick. i was considering driving home after my first class but decided two more hours wasn't much longer to go. so i toughed it out. i like trying to test myself when enduring pain.

it's kinda sick sometimes. not usually, but sometimes.

so i made it through two classes and when i was walking out of my 500 person chemistry lecture into a sea of people, i locked eyes with quite possibly the most beautiful male on campus. he smiled and said "hi." i smiled and said "hi" back.

and instantly, all the pain disappeared.

it's too strange... the effects that complete strangers have. but all i know is that now i have an urge to join the sailing association and surf every day, wetsuit or not.

i have seen this male before. he was always beautiful. but now i have decided that he is the most beautiful. even more than other guy i have had the biggest schoolgirl crush on. the one that will become famous when he gets a record deal because he is even better than jack johnson, even better than that dashboard confessional.

scarlett helped me rationalize all the way to humanities why this male could be the one. the one for what? the one to make me not crazy about boys that live far away that still say "i love you."

the homework is piling up and all i want to do is hop on a plane and spend a few months-a year in that little country shaped like a boot. if i had a fairy godmother i would wish it so.

i am going. one way or another. if not this summer, next summer in siena, next year in padua. consider it done. maybe all three. you can visit.

l e s s | m o r e