s u n d a y 08.31.03 | 9:51 pm
come a little bit closer, hear what i have to say.

i think i have a crush on britney spears. is she not the hottest and the cutest? yes. i do. i have a crush on her. i tore out this clipping from in style and put it on my magnet board. looking at it makes me want to do crunches and curl my hair and walk around in saucy undergarments.

it's the day after going surfing when my body feels its worst. i just want to sleep it off. but instead i had coffee bean this morning with teera and armand. and somehow i ended up going to lake arrowhead for the day with me mum and me dad. don't ask.

i wanted to take pictures but my sister stole the digital camera for the day. otherwise you could have seen the crazy things these lakefront house people do and buy.

i wrote a poem in the car because sometimes my mind starts moving very quickly and when it wants to be written, it must be. i like writing just because. not because i want to be good and great, not because it is therapeutic, just because i like words and stringing them together to make something that makes sense. is it mad?

it's only when i have chapped lips
that i dare to think of him
it happens less and less
this morning i had coffee with some friends
it's getting rarer
i find myself having coffee in the evenings
sitting up late wondering why i can't just fall
asleep and i wait for it to take me under
but it waits for me.

i get stuck
thinking of things so much bigger than me
so much more than one person
they heard he was trying to visit
half of me wants him to come
but i am just one person now
any fraction he can divvy me into
"i can tell you don't care and i'm sorry."
"i care. i just try not to."
and i try even harder to carry lip balm in my
little pocket every fucking waking moment.

s a t u r d a y 08.30.03 | 9:29 pm
you take your car to work, i'll take my board

i got to sleep around 3 or 4 am last night from being partied and demetra-ed out. but it was a good alcohol-induced sleep. my sister woke me up at nine this morning to ask if i wanted to go surfing with her. and how can i turn that down? i just can't. that question is the kryptonite of questions.

and i felt bad because i wanted to spend teera's last day in town with her and demetra and bonding and doing girlie gang things but i am ever-optimistic and assumed i could get it all done and have a fantastic saturday.

i did have a fantastic saturday. but i spent all of it surfing. i'm excited about my new hobby! i really am. it makes me giddy just seeing a picture of the ocean or anything that can even remotely be related to it. watch me. brown sugar? brown sugar is the consistency and look of sand on good, clean beaches and beaches are where you can surf. ta-da.

we surfed in manhattan beach but it was really dirty and the waves were getting too big and rough for little, baby, beginner me. so after being thrashed around and catching nothing for two hours we trekked to a spot in the palos verdes area.

and the waves... were much closer to perfection. it was gentle, good numbers of waves coming through, clean water, not too crowded. also, there weren't any dolphins like manhattan beach. the dolphins there were coming in hordes and they were about 10 feet away from me. this frightened me because sharks eat dolphins. and sharks scare me even though i adore shark week. ADORE.

the people i went with made it into shore but i stayed out for another hour on my own just trying to watch the sets and get used to it and i caught my two good waves of the day. i was so happy. i couldn't wipe the smile off. when i came back to the beach, they called me hardcore for sticking out in the cold 6 pm water by myself.

these are the kinds of things that make my day. the picture is of me popping up on my first good wave! (i'm the black spot in the middle-ish) i was pretty far out so i'm very tiny. but still! i'm very proud. everyone needs to spend the entire day devoted to surfing.

i am bruised, salty, and exhausted. so exhausted i think i'm going to go to bed right now on a saturday night. but i'm really happy and i can't wait til the next time.

s a t u r d a y 08.30.03 | 9:02 pm
you complete me. i love you.

sometimes life is getting so amazingly good and things are amazing you more and more each day that you wonder if it can really be true. i feel like i've been in some enormous rut where pieces of me are always peeling away and everything seems to go wrong and fall apart. for the first time in so long it just seems like everything is falling into place.

if this is about kharma, i must have done some number on someone or something that i really can't remember right now.

i learned how to play "lie in our graves" and "so much to say" on the guitar and i am so proud of my dave matthews playing skills. even though it doesn't sound nearly as good. the little things make me happy. i am one step closer to reaching my goal of becoming as good of a guitar player as my IDOL.

i went to a party with my friend demetra last night! and i didn't know anyone there besides her so it was a little awkward but i try to make fun wherever i am. i bring the fun with me in my purse, youknowwhatimsayin? i'm trying to come out of my anti-social shell. and i think i'm totally rocking it.

demetra and i have had a love-hate relationship for the entire time that i've known her, which is now quite a while.

but i wrote her a letter just being honest and acknowledging the fact that i'm a bad friend and i wanted to start over. she told me friendship is reciprocal and we should start new. so we did. and we drank. and we went to harry's and shared french fries and pie like a pair of fat kids. and we took pictures in the party's bathroom. and we hugged. and i bought her a plant when i was at the ninety-nine cent store. and i love her.

it's the little things. i'm glad i wrote that letter and just owned up to it and ended up putting everything behind us. i had so much fun last night. sometimes i just go through something and i try to remember everything about it so i can't forget it.

and i know i won't.

f r i d a y 08.29.03 | 12:11 pm
double-fied. double love.

what? me? use my diary to post funny pictures of my friends? no, only jeff. meet jeff. he's much more charming and hospitable in person. i met him in italy. that's funny because he lives 15 minutes away from my house.

we had a playdate. i had an adventure in san marino!! i've never driven around san marino before. it was exciting and frou frou. but jeff isn't frou frou. well, kinda. he is also known as... shopping buddy. that's right. jeff is my new shopping buddy. he took me to thrift stores. they were disappointing because i couldn't find what i was looking for.

i want a tennis player skirt. but it seems that tennis player skirts sit higher up on the waist than i'd like even though my waist size is 27 and the tag says 27, it is too high. so i need to find a skirt for someone a little rounder. but all the skirts are for skinny girls who play tennis all day. goddamnit.

i saw step into liquid with jeff. it makes me want to go surfing so badly. i can't wait til i move to the beach. i heard you can surf in newport but it's really crowded and you have to go early in the morning. i can do that. i want a surfing buddy.

jeff is really good at playing the guitar. and he's super nice. he bought me a frozen hot chocolate when i wasn't looking. and he likes an alarming amount of the same music that i like. and i like lots. i even have that same shirt he's wearing but cut up and girlie, of course. it's kinda creepy. jeff is kinda creepy. haha. if he was older i might like him a little more. but he is not, so i like him *this* much.

f r i d a y 08.29.03 | 11:52 am
pool honeys

my best friend teera is a lifeguard. she saves lives. she gets to be very tan and tell little kids to walk, to stay off the lane lines, and whether or not they can go off the high dives. she is amazing at what she does. i got the chance to see her in action on wednesday when my old friend kenny called me out of the blue to tell me "it's hot. i want to swim." i said "okay, kenny. we're going to swim. i'm picking you up. be ready."

teera has a laid back boss. she gets to mingle if she has visitors at the pool. she got to swim with us too. i watched her go off the high dives cause i was a little scared. i get a little scared of ladders and climbing to great heights. not very. but i get a little iffy.

i told kenny to be my model. but kenny told me to be in the picture. that's not a model attitude. my swimsuit is soft and it turns out, it is kinda the color of my skin when dry. i alarmed people when i took off my clothes poolside.

it was really hot in the valleys on wednesday. a lot of people were at the pool, enjoying their weekday afternoon. sometimes i wonder... don't these people work? and where do they work i'd like to know.

kenny calls this man on the diving board backman. i call him wonderful. he kept diving over and over. and his son was at the pool too. and he played with his son for a little while. then he got right back to the dives.

it was really cute. i love people watching. i do it a lot. if i'm not actively in a conversation i'm usually people watching. it is a dirty little joy of mine.

i love the pool. so refreshing. so many people. and my friend teera is the lifeguard. she sits on the tower and talks to me AND she watches the pool at the same time. van nuys shermans oaks pool. go and ask for teera. she's super nice and cute.

f r i d a y 08.29.03 | 11:36 am
happy birthday for daddy

yesterday was my daddy's birthday. my daddy never yells or gets mad. he's very laid back. so when we were little and we did something very bad, that's when we knew we had something very VERY very bad. which wasn't very often. but if he yelled, i knew i fucked up and felt very bad.

he's very silly. he always walks by me and pulls on my toes or taps me on the head and he always whistles along to his favorite songs. my dad and i like listening to classic rock really loud. my daddy and i like to play pool and go swimming and shop at guitar center. my dad looooooves cars. he knows everything about them and all kinds. i think that's why i love cars and music and everything he loves. cause he loves it too.

i went to dinner for my daddy's birthday and i realized that it is very difficult to be a vegetarian and eat at a chinese restaurant. not that i am a vegetarian but i've been considering it for a few months now. some days i am. and other days i'm not. i guess the fact that i am fickle shows how not hard core i am. but... sometimes there really is nothing to eat that doesn't have an animal in it... to put it bluntly.

i've been cutting up my shirts like mad. i just can't seems to wear a normal tee anymore. i feel antsy like i can't breathe in it. then i get out my scissors and cut up the sleeves, cut up the collar. and then... i can breathe again.

phew. i wanna go to the thrift store and buy more $1 shirts.

t u e s d a y 08.26.03 | 8:35 pm
do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

today, i made a peanut butter and honey sandwich but i put too much honey on it and it dripped all over my hand when i was eating it. so i licked it off. then i remembered how gross it is to lick your fingers because of all the germs from the things you have touched. the word on the street is that your hand comes into indirect contact with 15 penises a day. do you know how many penises i just licked off my hand by accident?

like penis to the infinite! i was just at the mall today. you know what mallrats do, don't you? okay but anyway. enough dirty talk. enough.

i think one time i was at a party and i did a few shots but absolut vanilla tastes pretty gross so it dribbled down my chin and chest cause i couldn't, for the life of me, drink it fast enough. then some guy that was piss ass drunk just licked it off me. like that. so i said "the fuck are you doing?" oh ok. enough.

enough, i said!

i just washed my car. and i really have to clean my room. you can't even see the floor. i've been cleaning out my closet too. i am moving out soon and i have accrued, as usual, a lot of shit. and it's time to pack my shit. i'm trying to scale down the shit so there's less shit.

but it's oh-so-hard. OH so.

i've been shopping like mad lately. the bargains are all flooding to me and calling my name. tifffffaaaany. tifffffaaaannny. $3-$5 tops, $10 swim suits, $10 skirts. it's almost too much to take.

no, really. it is too much. it's too much to take to my new apartment because nobody is helping me move so i'm a one-girl show on moving day. it's kinda sad but i guess it is a matter of "girl power" to put it into spice girl terms.

like WHOA. excuse me. back up, please. my love is like WHOA. i need to clean like WHOA.

m o n d a y 08.25.03 | 9:46 pm
talk to me, dance with me here.

i'm feeling tuckered out. i think i'm going to call it a night early. like super early. like really early. like i could sleep now and not wake up until 1 tomorrow.

but things are smoothing over. most definitely. things are getting damn good. i watched le divorce with the girlies. after that, jenni flew back to san francisco. i love that girl. i wish she didn't live so far away. she must get lonely in a big city all by her little self. she said that she was sad because she had nothing to go back to. i said "oh honey." and i wish there was more i could say.

but what can i really say. you're going back to SCHOOL. YAY. you're going back to lonely fun? no, single fun. pardonnez moi.

i saw demetra today and things went fine. i played with her doggies. they are so cute. brody liked to lick my feet and look up my skirt. demetra said "you pervert."

i bought a new bathing suit and school supplies. my bathing suit is very soft and touchable and almost loincloth-like. that's the best i can do with description. i'm sorry. but i like touching it. i have to restrain myself when i have it on!

i am very excited to go back to school. no. really. lots of people are starting school soon. like today. like next week. and i almost want to say "sucks to be you." but it really doesn't.

i think summer has refreshed me. and i'm ready to do school with flying colors. FLYING, you hear me? i was just looking up berkeley's transfer requirements. and it's exciting, even just to apply. cause who knows. and if it doesn't happen, then no worries.

i got an 'A' in chemistry. rejoice. i just checked my grade yesterday and was quite happy with it. QUITE!

i had a really good day today. and i'm just in, generally, very good spirits.

sunday 08.24.03 | 8:38 pm
gotta get yours, gots ta get mine

i think i've mellowed out a lot. i don't know why. but it is more fun than being high-strung, don't you think? something bad happened? let it roll, shiiiit. better than... something bad happened? oh my god it's the end of the world i can't believe it.

mellowing out, laid back, goes for things to do as well. i might not get as much done, maybe. but i'm still having fun. saturday was one of the best days in so long.

jenni and i pool-hunnyed at teera's pool. we stayed there for a few hours and just did nothing, but a good nothing. and some of those lifeguard friends she has are damn cute. and as i would later find out, even their friends are cute too. what is this?

a goldmine, that's what it is. i spent a few more hours either swimming, drinking, watching "queer eye for a straight guy", eating pizza, or watching lizzie mcguire. how do you lose? you just don't.

people like to loiter outside 7-11. you would think the cops of burbank would clean that up a bit. not like they have much else to do. so creepy boys sing songs at us when all we want is a pina colada slurpee to mix with ever-delicious malibu.

i went to a party where i knew no one. i haven't done that in a while. but i got free beer. and that was that. you don't really lose. well, i try to make the best out of a situation even if i'm not enjoying it. but it was so joyless that we left.

we crashed another joint. because some people are all about revenge. jenni is one of these. she wants awkward. she wants to kill. this girl is out for blood.

so when you break a girl's heart (because you're a pussy) you better watch out. she could go mad.

the night ended, like many a good night, at harry's. that is why i love teera. we re-cap. like a big sports event or something. so, i got free beer from two different places. i got hugs from thugs. fuck, i was happy. it don't take much to please me.

i think that being a single girl makes me more... boyish. because when i see someone that is cute, i want to act on it. right then and there. and if i had more to drink i probably would have. is that good or bad? good if you're single and have an aching. bad when you're... not. but i'm not not. so it's good.

part of the bonding process means being able to talk about anything. and i think that on saturday, that gap was bridged. learn it live it love it.

l e s s | m o r e