friday 08.22.03 | 8:58 pm
it's hard to do but so easy to say

my sleeping habits are getting gradually worse. i woke up at 1. i took a nap at 6. i should go to bed a little earlier than 3, i think.

it's hard when you start talking to someone and let out things that you haven't let out in a long time. but it isn't hard for me to talk about anymore and i think that's a good sign.

all it takes is a few words for the best relationship in the world (to you) to turn to shit and that's all it takes for love to turn to hate. when does it become inappropriate to use three little (dirty) words that used to come out so easily? they now come out either with no feeling or a forced pain.

from my experience, i've learned that once things go sour, they go very sour very quickly. i write people off like that... and either i am too forgiving / pathetic or there is no give at all. so walking the line in between, as i think i am doing right now, is really hard.

once you give someone else so many parts of you and you feel like parts of you intertwine with parts of them, how do you get the pieces of you back? and it's not that i wish i could erase things or take things back because it's all part of a lesson that i'm learning. but pieces of me.. i just wish i didn't have to think of someone else whenever certain songs play or whenever someone says something or i go somewhere that is "special."

so when you give new love to someone new can it ever be all your love, untainted, when you really have battle scars and you already gave yourself away to someone else that ended up not wanting you anymore.

and i'm not sad. don't think that. i've just been thinking. does it add up, what is it all worth and how do you really trust someone again. how do you trust yourself to know you won't make the same mistakes again? i'm not sure that it can be done.

thursday 08.21.03 | 8:49 pm
girl jeanius. multi talented.

doo doo doo your body is a wonderland. doo doo doo swim in a deep sea of blankets. that song. it makes me wanna kiss kiss on the lip lips.

today i learned how to play some more ben harper on the guitar. and it makes me excited. really really excited. like WHOA!

so my sister likes seven jeans. she got some for her birthday. she swears by them. they are awesome / they fit so well / they are so worth it she says. do you know the cheapest pair of sevens cost about $120? i thought she was silly. but i got my own pair today. (and i didn't pay $120 cause i shop smart.)

and goddamn. they fit like second skin. is this shit legal? is it? these are the best jeans i own to this day. and i have some great jeans. shiiiit.

and just for kicks, there is the old shirt of robby sox's that i cut up and made girly and cute-fitting. so i wore it but i got a lot of weird looks. and i don't think robby got weird looks because he has no soul. i have a soul though.

the shirt says "religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet. -napoleon" would they rather it said princess? or abercrombie track team or some shit like that?

my rainbows are molding to my foot! ah-mazing. i don't usually *love* my clothes and purses and things. but i do now. who needs a boyfriend when i can go shopping? kiss one boy that keeps my heart in a jar under the kitchen sink or kiss a few and not have to fight over stupid shit? hmm.

so today i've been dealing with writing up some shit for a car accident that happened nearly two years ago. and i really don't want to think about it because it was bad times and i like to put the bad times behind me. youknowwhatimsayin?

but i am going to hot hot heat thanks to shannon (aka my bitch this week) because she's the greatest.

thursday 08.21.03 | 11:46 am
tobey tobie tobee

i don't usually see that many stars. my sister usually has better luck cause she goes out to the fancy clubs and fancy places. j.timberlake, gavin & gwen, michael jackson, cameron diaz, a new kid, you know, people like that. i told you. she's frou frou.

who have i seen? i don't know. that dork from limp bizkit. snoop d-o-double-jizzle! jason alexander. jay leno. hmm. but tobey maguire definitely takes the cake.

yeah. i shopped with him. yeah. he helped me pick out new jeans. yeah. we're like *this.* no. but i was excited. i saw him and whispered to myself "tobey. i love you." that is what you get for going to the old navy of beverly hills. woo woooooo. this makes me want to go see seabiscuit. i'm going to read it.

i got new jeans. and they fit so well i just wanna wear them all the time. around the house. to bed. to eat. to party. to dance. to everywhere. to weddings. to guitar center.

i think that spray paint and stencils is going to be my new thing. after a test with silver glitter spray paint on a plain little white cut-up shirt i think it's time to experiment. more colors. more shirts. this is going to be a project.

teera gets her thing done today and i'm nervous for her. i hope her bum is okay!

i want to go to inland invasion. hothotheat. led zeppagain. and radiohead more than fucking anything. but i refuse, just plain refuse to pay $100-$1000 for one damn seat for one damn night with the lovely radiohead.

the velvet underground self-titled is good to me. i'm always going through different moods in music and this one fits my current mood so so perfectly. i don't know what it is about someone like lou reed or bob dylan but the way they sing just feels so right.

tuesday 08.19.03 | 4:27 pm
it's nothing that a pineapple sundae can't fix

i don't deal well with conflict. it makes me extremely uncomfortable. but sometimes there really isn't much to be done, much to be said besides "you'll get through it." and that's so not what you want to hear, right?

it'd be nice if no one cried. three of my good friends in the past two days is a lot. i feel almost left out that i have no crisis. but i'm thankful. for once things are fine. they're great, even. and i'm just trying to enjoy that but not too much because i don't want to rub it in anyone's face or nothing.

i drove to beverly center and ate a mother of a meal at the grand lux for a friend's birthday. i didn't know too many people there. awkward ensued for a minute. but it was good to see the people i did know. i went to harry's late last night with the girlies to have sundaes and smiles.

harry's is the best place around here, period. coffee shops that are open 24 hours just win anywhere but harry's... it's good to me. and it's been good to me and my family and everyone in burbank for a long long time. i remember going there when i was little and ordering spaghetti from the children's menu. word. and cinnamon toast and hot chocolate to go with too. you dig?

i talk jive like you never heard.

i was in chinatown today with my parents and my sister cause she just came home from her trek in spain. chinatown does not change. ever. never. clever. sever. pleather?

i'm listening to the pixies and i'm catching up on all the bands that i should have listened to a long time ago. i just don't feel complete if i haven't listened to the albums of the classic greats, the legends, the bands that influence. so my own fun little personal goal is to be more well-rounded with the muzak. it's so much fun i could cry.

but that would be bad!

monday 08.18.03 | 10:41 am
six beers and he threw up like a little girl

being drunk is a good excuse to call people that you don't usually call, to talk to people you really don't talk to, to do things you really wouldn't normally do. i'm no social butterfly. i'm more of a social sea anemone, but i'm working on it.

i wish i had my old sleeping habits. i thought i was a pretty heavy sleeper but lately one noise, just one noise, in the morning and once i open my eyes to see that there's light out (no matter how little light it may be) i just can't fall asleep again. i stare at the ceiling. i drink a glass of water, i put on the stereo, i walk downstairs to have a snack and a look-see at the tee-vee.

and before you know it i'm up writing in my diary or cutting out felt flowers to pin on my brown corduroy skirts or giving myself a facial or cleaning up a mess i made.

but i guess it's alright. i get up and actually do something in the morning instead of waking up past noon. i'm not a total slacker i suppose.

last night i had din-din with the jenni and the teera and went to two kick back thingers. and jenni drank one smirnoff ice. and she said it tasted like squirt cause it does. jenni doesn't like mickey's or beer at all. jenni just doesn't drink...ever. but she's opening up to new things and i'm all for open.

bravo.

boys. was interesting to bicker with lawrence because he was drinking all day and the hilarity don't stop. he talks shit about us. girls talk shit about him. but put everyone in a room and we all laugh and make jokes. fine. i like these boys but sometimes they just act like little girls. all of em.

today should be interesting. i think i'm seeing college friends in hollywooooood. do you like the felt flower i made when i was watching tee-vee? i really like mine. the prototype is for me. the copies are for the swap meet.

sunday 08.18.03 | 1:33 am
nothing would be fine-ah

i had a few drinks. but i still feel great. and doche is one of the cutest boys ever. and teera is the best girl ever. and i wish robert was up to chit chat with. and also 16 yr old child and sepi the bestest.

right right. i'm off to sleep now. comfy bed vs. leather desk chair. i choose the bed.

and armand made teera feel a little bit angry. and russ made jenni cry and get quiet. and i don't know how to deal with conflict. i think i told you this before. i don't know what i'd do without teera. she knows how to take care of me.

and that's why i give her kissies on the cheeks and that's why i can never see the swede again because the near mention of him and seeing his bong makes me wanna cry. i saw it tonight.

it was almost too much! and i was near his house. too much, too much. put it away. go away. i can't see you. you make me wanna cry. what happened to good old flings or good old boys that make me happy make me wanna swoooooooon.

please come back. just a little bit. i'll let you sleep in my bed. and i have my own room. just come back. for a little.

sunday 08.17.03 | 2:56 pm
pillow talk. just you + me.

i didn't go to bed until four am last night... this morning. i don't think it was the coffee i went out to have with teera and jenni last night because i'm not very sensitive to caffeine... but it was something.

i love those girls. sometimes when we talk i feel like we're in some sitcom with angst-ridden young adults such as "my so-called life" or something of that nature, except the college edition where everything falls apart and everyone kinda stops watching because things aren't the same. (they're even better.)

i like getting to know new people. i like people watching. i like funny people that like the same things as me or new things or any thing as long as it isn't something that i have a strong dislike for. i don't like creepy boys that want to dance with me in clubs. they're always creepy. always. why is that? i see them see me and get close to me and then i walk away. and sometimes it's a bummer cause a really good song is playing.

i like talking to people that i know really well that know me really well and sometimes i don't even have to say anything. they just *know.* like *this.*

i stayed up last night until four doing what? chit-chattin on aim. i AM a nerd. it's true. c'est vrai. ah man. i feel like listening to yeah yeah yeahs. but the songs are just all fucked up when i play them and it makes me frown.

i woke up and i ate sushi. i'm not tired. not even a bit. it's just a little hot in herrrrre. thing are going so well i almost feel like it's too good to be true.

my sister is coming home from spain tomorrow!! i'm so excited to see her. things just aren't the same when she's not around to make stupid jokes with and watch tv with and shop with and eat with and just love. she was on a night train to nice and she was sleepin' in her little couchette compartment and when she woke up her backpack, which was her only bag besides her purse, was GONE. watch out for the thieves! they're everywhere!

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