friday 08.01.03 | 11:17 pm
the university of casual sex and beer

i think i really like ucsb. i think i would go there. i think i might go there. well. i just might. we'll see by springtime, kids. i'm glad i went up there to see swedish boy.

i think it made me see a lot more clearly. and not that i don't like him. i do, i like him a lot. i did and still do. i just don't think he likes me. and i'm at the point where that's okay because it's not like anything was really going on yet. and being at that point, it's okay to ease up on the pressure and expectation.

it's just strange to spend 2 days with someone that you've known for most of your life but never really knew that well. it makes things awkward and strange when you're trying to get to know someone better and don't know where to start.

well. you can start by smoking a bowl. but that always makes me even more quiet and reserved because i always feel so distant from myself whenever under the influence of anything. so maybe not.

the way he sleeps is so cute. i like seeing people sleep. and i know that's totally creepy but seeing someone you know completely calm, resting, unconscious and beautiful. hearing them breathe, feeling the warmth from their body. even in a completely non-sexual way, i think it's nice.

but knowing me, i prefer the sexual way. and i did things that i thought i wasn't going to do because i specifically remember saying to myself *take it slow with this one. do not do anything stupid.* i didn't do anything stupid. just more than i thought i would.

oh well, i don't regret anything. this is where i bid adieu to yeu and yeu. i'm off to italy for a little bit. i'll be back before ya know it but i'm still overly excited. i love italia. ciao bella!

friday 08.01.03 | 11:03 pm
my battlescars

i don't think you can really tell from the picture how bad the red bruises on my knees look in real life. but they don't hurt much at all and i can't really remember how, specifically, i got them.

i tried to go surfing with rick in santa barbara. you know, tried being the key word. and it must have happened when i fell over one of those times.

you know, one of those times that i actually tried to get a wave. the hard thing about learning is that it'd be great if there were waves all the time, coming right after each other so i could just go and practice over and over again and get it right.

but i don't know what the right waves look like in the distance. oops. that's kinda important, hmm?

i may look like shit but i swear, i'm going to get better and i'm going to surf as much as i can when i move to the beach in september.

in santa barbara, we went out three times, once each day. i like the routine of it all. and i like getting sandy everywhere and taking a shower and feeling super clean afterwards. so fresh, so clean clean.

tuesday 07.29.03 | 10:56 pm
if you give a mouse a cookie

i didn't give a mouse a cookie. but he ate my bananas and some other things that he found on the floor of my kitchen. mean little guy, he is.

i keep expecting him to run around and cross my path and i prepare myself mentally to see the mouse.

but i didn't see it today. i found all the traces though. the poo poo, the banana, the stuff in the corners.

mean mean mouse. mickey mouse has moved into my house. get out get out get out. where are the meow meows when you need em to get rid of a mouse mouse?

my dad told me "this is war." and i thought... "what do you mean, dad?" and we talked about it some more.

he said when he was a little boy in china he caught mice in his old house and his friends and him would pour lighter fluid over the mouse mouse and light a match.

well. my dad is buddhist. but i still said, "dad, that's really disturbing. can't we just let the mouse go this time?"

if i smell burnt fur i might shed a tear.

tuesday 07.29.03 | 5:12 pm
if i only had a brain

i started reading the jungle a few days ago and i really like it. i read one chapter every night before i go to bed. and although i have grown sympathetic towards the lithuanian immigrants... i could not eat meat today. just looking at it made me feel uneasy.

mad props to upton sinclair? i think so!

to tell you the truth the uneasiness may be due to my chemistry final tomorrow. i've been trying to study all day and haven't really been able to concentrate. i like chemistry. i know i can do it. but i'm still nervous about it. i get two hours to do a test that will make or break my grade.

i need to break 90% on the final to get an 'A' in the class. the pressure is so thick you can cut it with a knife. can you feel it?

jesus. i forgot what it felt like to actually care about school and grades and do my personal best. it feels like i'm in high school again or something. not to say i haven't been doing well in college. it just hasn't been challenging at all. until... today.

but i'm just going to study my little ass off, do my best, and then drive up to santa barbara for a couple days of careless, harmless fun. and i'm going to paint my toenails pink too.

monday 07.28.03 | 8:16 pm
i'm in love with the smell of rain.

i think it's intoxicating. and the sound of thunder and the flash of lightning is enough to make me forget about washing my car yesterday. a storm came into town this hour. isn't it lovely?

i think so.

don't laugh at me for liking dave matthews band. but i do now. i even burned a cd today. i think i just had such a good time at the show. it was good music. good people. good margaritas (teera isn't afraid to shoulder tap.) and dancing! i love dancing and i love to watch the people dance.

i had a really good night. we spent the night shifting between seats, between aisles, never sitting in our own. they were floor, just too far back. and that dave matthews has a sexy voice. i fell in love with it.

i was talking to scarlett today. we lunched. "i'm so excited. he's so nice to me. i can't get over what a nice boy he is."
"normal boys are nice, you know. or didn't you know?"
"i guess i didn't."

things are going so well that i'm almost afraid that something terrible will happen soon to balance it out, to take it away from me. but i hope it won't. i don't think it will.

meanwhile, the sky is pounding with sound and the air is turning cold and the hills are filling with light. it's all so beautiful. i almost feel like it's too good to be true.

monday 07.28.03 | 1:57 pm
the wave of the century

this morning i woke up at 10. i have class at 11. i usually leave the house by 945 to get there on time. not a big deal, right?

i was wrong. there's one stretch of the 5 that always has traffic (where it meets the 10 and it goes into 2 lanes, you know what i'm sayin?) but today it was particularly slow.

i was expecting blood on the freeway at the speed i was going. after a while i watched the miles, i watched the clock. half an hour passed and i had gone less than a mile. quelle disaster.

i got a chem final on wednesday. i'm not so confident anymore. it just doesn't seem like my for-tay.

but i got a new swim suit and some new board shorts yesterday and i got to see dave matthews play his sexy songs on his sexy guitar and i got to hang out with the sexy miss teera and talk about sexy boys.

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