saturday 07.26.03 | 10:56 pm
i like you a lot.

i have been having the best day(s). it must show because i went to visit my grandma and she told me i looked happy. my mom said "yeah, she's not crazy anymore."

then my mom put her arm around me and said "i love you dahhling. i'm so glad you're not crazy anymore." i love my mommy too. not crazy anymore, mommy? yeah, you know. she says that i'm not all depressed all the time now.

oh. okay.

i've just got a lot of things to smile about. i can't stop. it's infectious. i was driving on the freeway in traffic the other day and a girl was hanging out the back seat window and i thought she was gonna ask me for directions but all she said was "hello!" and i said "hello!" and we kept passing each other by because of the bumper to bumper stop and go and a few more times she said "hello again!"

i washed my car! i went out with teerie and armand and had myself a shirley temple and it has been decided that we're going to sneak into the hotel at hollywood and highland to swim in their pool and prance around floor 13. they have one! can you believe?

didn't go to dave matthews. frown. but i did learn more of tripping billies on zee acoustic geetar. i talked to my dad a lot today. we talked about cars, food aid, politics, the beatles, and things he wanted to do in his life and places he wants to see. he said he's happy where he is and wouldn't change anything at all.

i love him so much. i feel bad for ever doubting him cause he knows so much about everything and he never gets impatient with me. i'm so lucky to have my daddy. i decided today that i'm going to make money to send my parents on a really big, great trip.

i'm so in love with love!

did you know that my diary was the 2nd result on google for "fuck me while kayaking?" word.

saturday 07.26.03 | 2:41 pm
there are words being exchanged but that is all

the truth is that 2 days ago i weighed 10 pounds more. and i've weighed 10 pounds more for a few months now. no i didn't go on a hollywood diet. i don't know where the weight went and i wouldn't have noticed except for the fact that i weigh myself every day before i take a shower.

lo and behold, it's gone gone gone. i haven't been doing anything...at all. what a great plan. at this rate, i can weigh in the double digits by the time i go to santa barbara.

ha. (dance dance dance)

right. i'd look like twiggy the second. just asian. just not as hip and mod. just taller, i think.

the boy rushed an awkward goodbye toward me when he left for santa cruz. it came in the form of an IM box on my laptop. it ended with "i still love you." now what do i do with that?

i had a really good night. some people hate those kinds of parties but i really didn't mind the randoms or the younger heads in the crowd cause people were super-friendly to me. i was drinking and smoking on an empty stomach which is usually a bad. but it went oh-so-good.

super-friendly fucked up people-- my favorite. my favorite swedish boy was there. he gave me a kiss-kiss and held my hand tight. he went, i went. i saw him just today too. he took me to retrieve my car because i'm done with risky driving. no more operating heavy machinery when i've had too much of good things. he's nice. i want to get to know him better.

i wanna learn how to surf with him and i wanna play the guitar with him and i wanna stay up til sunrise and listen to sigur ros and i wanna sit on the beach and drink beer and smoke. with him.

but i woke up in the same smokey clothes i was wearing with the same hair, the same makeup, and i don't ever get hungover but i felt icky.

thursday 07.24.03 | 10:52 pm
it's time to take your medicine

i've been feeling pretty sick lately. it comes and goes but when it comes i feel like i'm about to vomit. i'm not sure if it's because i've been eating hardly any meat and maybe when i do, my body is confused or if it's the pills that i've stopped taking or if it's just my body being mean to me.

i hope it's not the last.

speaking of being mean, i haven't been the nicest me i can possibly be. but who is the nicest them, anyway? boy has been unfair to me an awful lot and for once i'm not being all pathetic and strung out so he thinks i've disowned him.

what a logical explanation.

and tony pierce hates my guts and wants me to apologize. apologize for what, exactly? oh ok. sorry i was mean. i hope that covers all the points.

it's silly to get angry over what's written in blogs. plain old silly. but it happens. too often. and it makes me wanna run away and start a secret blog. but i don't. cause i just don't.

i'm really indifferent today. i've been spending entirely too many hours daydreaming about things that might happen, things that i wish would just happen already.

that's it. that's all. i'm done.

wednesday 07.24.03 | 1:11 pm
i grabbed two girlies and a beer that's cold.

hold it now, hit it.

i remember in 10th grade when demetra and i tried to memorize the all the lyrics to "paul revere." beastie boys always on vacation. i listened to licensed to ill the other day for my drive and it just doesn't get old.

for once i feel pretty strong. things are moving quickly in the sense that they're ending. boy is going back up to santa cruz any day now to live with ugg and fuck her and god knows what else. that mental picture is fucking disgusting. excuse me i have to vomit. oh ok. i'm back.

he says he wants to say goodbye to my face. i wish there were more words he could say than just goodbye. i've gotten that a lot from him. i try to be civil. that's what karma's for.

and on the other hand, things are moving nice and slow. and that's how i like em. it's just nice when you find some one person that you want to get to know that can take your mind off things. i couldn't have asked for better timing for all these good things to start happening.

wednesday 07.23.03 | 1:30 pm
i feel particularly harsh (enlightened) today. excuse me.

i'm high on life, baby. i've been smiling all night and all morning. but now i have to tell you some secrets. shh.

there is a bit of nerd in me yet. today in class i decided that my favorite word in chemistry is "aqueous." it just rubs me the right way. solublility is fun. sure. only one week til i'm done with class? oh can't wait. i wanna rock the final and get my 'a'.

tony pierce is mad at me. he told me that i suck and my posts suck and i'm a mean, callous girl. he used the 'f' word! gasp. i think he needs to grow up and stop being hostile over one silly comment i made. jesus. so if i don't want to date someone twice my age, i'm now a horrible, horrible person, i'm sure. next.

so my ex has decided to live with a (survey says) ugly slutty girl next year that he fucked when he was shrooming. and to that i say, "yuck, you can have her. please. just go and don't see me again if that's what you choose."

if that is what the world is coming to, i might call up lesbian girl that thinks i'm hot. she said she pointed to me and said "hot, but no access." she thinks i'm straight. i think... i'm open to new things. or i could call up sepi and go get brazilian-ed with her. pish posh.

i'm so over this drama and ready for wednesday to come. comecomecome, let's go. i just wanna get out of here, drive away, have a good time up there, come back and leave the country.

that's just what i'm gonna do too. you think i'm kidding?

tuesday 07.22.03 | 3:07 pm
"life is nice"

i think it was LeBrun who categorized the system of facial expressions for the french academy during louie XIV's reign. i learned a lot in art history. it's a little hard to recall though.

this would be my pouty, supermodel face. supermodels always have that weird pout. so do cam girls. i don't know what it is about it. it's so "fuck you i'm angry." rawkrawkrawk.

i dream of spending one year abroad in italy and then landing a super job while i'm there. then i will never come back stateside. i'll just take cute pictures of italian children playing in fountains and paint the details of old buildings and visit museums every day and marry some dashing guy and make hapa babies. asian + italian hapa could be so cute.

it could also be tragic as sue always says. the halfies can go either way.

i hope the dashing guy won't be too old for me. i'd like someone my age or very close to it. but i hear that's not how they usually do it over in that big place called europe.

can't surf in florence though. that means no hot surfer boy that wants to help me learn when i go up to visit. that could be a problem. i feel pretty smitten kitten.

tuesday 07.22.03 | 12:47 am
you're no lover and i'm no fighter

i was at redondo pier the other day with my parents and my sister. and it is just how i remembered it when i was little.. dirty. and there were so many people in the ocean. and i'm just thinkin.. whoa. that water is pretty green and trashy. i hope nobody gets sick.

and why do so many people fish there anyway? can fish even live there? and if so, they must be mutated or something. i wouldn't want to eat that fish. i hope i don't sound too frou frou. seeing beaches like that make me want to go into environmental science though.

ucsb has a good program. ucsb has lots of things that i like. swoon x 10.

it has been an interesting past couple of days. it's had its ups and downs. but life is pretty wonderful. i'm doing well in chemistry. i'm gonna learn how to surf. i talk more with demetra and jenni and teera. i'm getting a little better at being on my own.

i still have a tendency to get angry over things i shouldn't. but my friends are the best. and i don't know what i'd do if they didn't take me out and hug me and stick up for me or say nice things. i need things to keep me busy.

hopefully i'll be pretty busy soon. things might be lookin up.

it's funnny how someone else can take your mixed messages entirely the wrong way. it makes me feel bad. i never meant to give someone the wrong idea. i hope i didn't hurt anyone and that things work out okay.

sunday 07.20.03 | 12:10 pm
there can be only one.

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!!

i have troubles forgiving things that have happened, mostly forgiving myself. my mom always tells me that i have to accept things and go from there, there's no use in dwelling on bad decisions. and there isn't.

the grass is always greener.

i hope i don't regret the things i said last night. before i went out last night i told sepi "tonight will end in tears, i'm sure."

but i was kidding. and now i feel stupid because it did. i was doing so well this week, getting over him. and then he has to tell me he's going to take a walk and he'll see me.

if i keep myself busy i should be fine.

"i think i've reached my breaking point."
"i think you did a long time ago," says armand.

what i would do to myself without my friends, i don't know. icky gruesome terrible bloody things! yayyyy.

i'm worth more than whatever that was. fuck it. i'm young. i'm still figuring things out. i don't need to worry about how many people the guy i like is fucking.

it has to be one way or the other. so now it's nothing. now isn't that something? sure.

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