saturday 07.19.03 | 7:54 pm
slow and low, that is the tempo

i used to think i was a fairly quick learner. with school, i am. i look it over, i get it. it's done. live it learn it love it. done.

my first attempt at surfing... i couldn't wipe the smile off my face when i popped up and rode the whitewater to shore.

the lesson was about 2 hours long. definitely not enough time. by the time i started to get a feel and actually do well, we had to go.

it made me frown when she called "surf divas to shoooorrre!" then i smiled cause she said good job to me and i can't wait til i go surf again.

yeah, brah.

as with most things, the more you practice, the better you get. and i cannot wait to practice.

friday 07.18.03 | 4:29 pm
broken hearts are not returnable

really, i checked. took it to the counter and said "hey fucker. i want my time and love and effort refunded, pronto. chop chop. i got a cocktail party to go to." i even snapped my little fingers. he told me to call him later today. did that. told me to call him tomorrow. do that?

sure. but who's doing the snappin' here?

i spent $30 at the bookstore yesterday but i have a few new books for this summer. i'm so pseudo-intellectual and i don't care. i'm going to read the jungle and uncle tom's cabin next.

so harry potter and the order of the phoenix to books that influenced america in history is a jump. pish posh.

and look out! because tomorrow is my first surfing lesson. i'd like to incorporate more words like "brah" or phrases like "right on" into my vernacular.

dude, i like, can't wait.

thursday 07.17.03 | 6:15 pm
let's practice. let's.

tis thursday and i've been driving far too much for the past few days. i'd like to stay in one place now please.

ok? ok. i've been burning cds to keep the drives somewhat interesting so i can zone out and just be far away. i'm getting better at driving. i don't care about cutting in and out of lines to get ahead. it still makes me nervous when the cops catch up to me and follow me for a few miles though, like they did today.

but i'm safe. don't worry. they can't catch me.

they can't even catch a mean old man that killed 9 and injured 50 some cause he thought he was hitting the brakes when he was hitting the gas. oh jesus. the old people, again? oh jesus. you drove 2 blocks through a farmer's market?

stupid bastard. drive yourself off a cliff, into a wall... not into a busy street in santa monica.

oh. oops. the boy spoke to me. he said he couldn't win with me. is that my fault? i wanted to date him. he told me to lighten up. yeah, how many ways is a girl supposed to take that?

every time we talk he's drunk or stoned anyway. yeah. yeah. yeah. punk rock fuck you.

i went shopping today again. i lunched with nemo. i shopped with nemo. i shopped with teerie. the simple things make me feel better.

don't let's be silly.

wednesday 07.16.03 | 6:38 pm
kaPOW

i'm about to be super productive. whooooooooosh. whoooooooooooosh. did you see that? did you hear that? i bet you didn't. i'm moving oh-so-quick! excuse me while i craft. the speed of me could possibly kick your ass to next week. i wouldn't want to hurt you.

expect things like this times infinity. oh yeah. do you wanna buy one and look hip? i sell them, cheap price. eez veddy veddy fashionable. there's no stopping me. i'm a MACHINE.

i feel much better today. part of it is because sepi is the bestest and i want to hug her and love her.

sepi is the bestest. that's all i have to say. oh yeah. and you don't have to kick him in the balls, i think i've done that a couple times by accident. oops.

wednesday 07.16.03 | 5:09 pm
if i can't make myself feel better

okay. i was a little bored and really lonely. living alone in someone else's house is not my idea of the best time. so i drove home and found a big box of easy mac addressed to me at my front door. it was for me! wow!

i lovelovelove my friend jenni so much. she made me the cutest jack skellington purse known to man. and she made about 10 other purses for our little business venture. i'm excited. her enthusiasm has made me see how much i've been slacking and i think it's time for me to make love with the sewing machine.

i went crazy yesterday and bought undies, a makeup bag, one of those roxy makeup cooler things, a skirt, and some stuff for my nails. i'm very bad. but shopping does make me feel better.

see? all better.

i'm gonna see teerie and nemo tonight and the string of good things that have happened today cancel out all the shit i was feeling last night. praise tha lord, i'm fucking cured!

i give myself 3 days to feel better
or i swear i'm driving off the fuckin cliff
if i can't make myself feel better
how can i expect anyone else to give a shit

tuesday 07.15.03 | 10:35 pm
i can't see the stars

it's hard for me to look at myself and really decide what's best. i feel like everyone around me knows what they're doing. they're making great decisions. they see me, they can see right through me.

they try to give me advice, they have some great solution. it's hard for me to listen.

sepi is my new friend. she understands. she said that "boys push you away when they know they can get you whenever." she made me co-president of the frigid bitch club. i said "oh my gosh, this is the best, i never win anything."

i know what's good, i know what i like. i'm a girl that likes to go go go when i'm in the mood (often) and boys are supposed to have some animalistic tendency that makes sure they'll always go whenever there's a go.

but not this one.

sepi makes me feel like i'm on sex and the city. but i hope that when i'm thirty something i'm not still stuck on some boy that's still saying he loves me, always has always will, but does not want to date me.

does not want to prove himself to me. does not want to see me spend time with me call me kiss me love me want me.

does it have to end and do i have to stay stop is it for the best and when do i say stop and what happens then who will love me then.

i guess i'll have to love me.

yeah, i hope you have a nice birthday and a good life and lighten up and i'll try not to be sad when you don't think of me, when you forget me, when i am gone.

i'm so lonely here.

tuesday 07.15.03 | 10:26 pm
please don't

i wrote in my paper diary last night. i couldn't sleep until 4:30. it was too hot and there were too many things in my head and my heart was beating too fast. i wanted it to just stop. the restlessness, not my heart.

i'm going to write out some things now. read it if you want to, don't complain about it later.

you know what it feels like when you're half-asleep and you're aware of what is going on and are listening to what people are saying but you're too tired to even move or care. i did that a lot last year. i slept a lot and people liked to go in and out of my room a lot. and i remember one time i was listening and after i did, i felt like i shouldn't have.

this girl that saw me crying came in to talk to my roommate and they were saying things about me. she pitied me. she said she'd never heard anyone cry like i did. she could feel the pain pouring out. she felt sorry for me.

last night around 2 in the morning all the dogs and cats within miles started screaming and howling at once. it frightened me and lasted for minutes. something is going to happen? something did just happen?

tuesday 07.15.03 | 10:06 pm
so i close the door, rest my head on the tile floor

An outline of the one you loved
In a life that was
That no longer will be
Stands above you
As you sleep

i listened to bright eyes all the way back to school. they say that you're not supposed to drive when you feel emotional and i must agree that it's a little dangerous.

somewhere i stopped checking my blind spot, somewhere i drove as fast as i could weaving in and out of lanes, somewhere i started to cry and my vision was blurred. at some point i screamed and frightened the car next to me. i think i just wanted to hit all the cars on the road as hard as i could and drive my car at full speed off the side of the overpass.

armand said to drive safe cause he didn't want to see my red integra on the news. i told him that i probably wouldn't make it on the news.

so now i'm alone. in every possible way.

sunday 07.13.03 | 4:33 pm
it hurts me to look at you

i guess i was uncomfortable or i might have come to grasp something that i was avoiding for the past few months. and all of a sudden it hits me in waves.

and it's hot outside and it's hot in the room with no windows and no fan and it's hot in my head and i can't breathe.

the air is thin on a mountain.

so i got about five drinks in one night and sat on the balcony and drew nothing for an hour and sat in the living room and stared at the wood paneling on the wall because the last place i wanted to be was laying beside someone that didn't want me.

i can't make someone care more about me. i mean, fuck what i want. things don't work that way. it's relatively simple and yet i struggle to remain in a completely pathetic and frustrating state.

done and done.

i find myself losing myself lately. like bits and pieces of me are falling away, swept to sea in the gutters that flow directly to it. can't find them again, can't pick it up again. someone looked at me today and said "are you okay?"

it startles me whenever someone has to ask me that. the reply is always "i'm fine" automatic, no matter what. my head is somewhere else. i think i had been staring out the window for a while, looking at all the nothing around me.

people do change. just not the way you want them to.

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