saturday 07.05.03 | 6:17 pm
suburban life

dude/d00d my tummy was so stuffed yesterday from bbq i thought i was gonna pop. poppoppoppop. and then there were fireworks and smoke filled the skies.

it's hot today. it's really hot. and my mom doesn't like air conditioning because it will be the end of the ozone layer with all its goddamn CFCs.

tony pierce asked me to go to a pool party but i said no cause i thought i was doing something else with someone else. but someone else's mom isn't home yet and someone else can't leave the house. that must sound so high school.

so i sit and wait. and wish i was in cooler climates or at least on a beach somewhere under an umbrella, with an umbrella in my big, frosty drink. maybe some lady coming up to me asking if i wanted to buy a bracelet with my name sewn into it.

or i wish i was in santa barbara learning how to surf with rick swanson cause he surfs every day and catches waves like no other.

i ain't got no job. i called conroy's flowers and they said they hired someone last week and i said "fuck you, you bastards."

no, not really.

thursday 07.03.03 | 9:34 pm
drifting

there is a delicate situation between me and a boy. well fuck, in my head it's delicate. i don't know what he thinks. i wish i could get in his head. maybe i'd know what i was doing.

i wrote everything down last night, folded it into a crane and for the first night in many, i slept well.

i drove to his prison of a house and gave it to him. he confuses me. i confuse myself. i don't want to let go of those hands once i hold them. i don't want him to let go when he holds me. i look into his sad eyes and they seem to go on forever. i go mad if i stare too long.

that, or he makes faces back at me and i can't concentrate.

when does it end? every story has an end unless it goes in a circle. a perfect one. it may not be perfect but it gives me something to think about.

i can't let go of something i want so badly. i love him too much. i just wish we wanted the same things. he pushes me away sometimes and for the first time i can step away for a moment.

let it go, let it come back to you if it wants to. everything works out in its own fucked up away and this should be no different. all i really have is myself and that has to be enough.

one of the first letters he ever wrote me said that "time doesn't heal things. people do." he said he couldn't change what happened, he could just try to make tomorrow worth seeing.

i believed him.

thursday 07.03.03 | 9:20 pm
got the mean reds, the dirty blues

i was in victoria's secret the other day because they are having some hubbub of a sale that they only have twice a year or some shit like that.

of course they make you dig through these bins that aren't very organized and the ladies get crazy for cheap, saucy undies, they throw it all over so nothing is where it belongs. lots of it is ugly. a little bit of it is cute. i didn't feel like digging.

today, i am more of a comfort girl. not so much sexkittenihaveastringupmyasscanyouseeit girl.

i try to match my undergarments to my outers if i can and i care. not very often, but it happens.

i think it's strange how the 4th of july always sneaks up on me. i never see it coming and yet it is the one holiday with the date right there in the name. i really shouldn't be surprised.

i like it though. i have a strange attraction to fireworks. they make me happy and make me wanna run around and give kisses. a few times i timed my drive home so i would drive past disneyland while the fireworks were going. 9:30 pm.

it works wonders for the blues. let's hope it can deliver tomorrow.

wednesday 07.02.03 | 2:17 pm
over the hills and far away

i'm having trouble sleeping. this troubles me because i love to sleep. but lately i get in bed because it feels like the thing to do and i just lay there. and i fall asleep and then i wake up and then i try again until i have to get up the next day.

it might be the dreams.

it might be the gardeners, the birds screaming before daylight, the children playing under my window. but i think it is the dreams mostly.

an empty house. i lock the door to the room and lay down. a weight pushes on top of me, something i cannot see. all i can feel is the weight and i can't breathe. scene ends.

walk up a hill to a party. long tables, everyone i know, people that i love. i sit down. and she sits next to me. and she is the last person i want to see... ever again. pale skin, muddy eyes, stringy hair, ugly clothes and i wonder what she has that i don't.

i wanted to kick her in the head. but i made polite conversation until finally i had to yell at her for fucking with me.

the fucking nerve, you wouldn't believe.

i woke up cold and angry and i still wanted to kick her in the head but i just hope she doesn't come to one of those parties again. the next dream i threw a drink in her face, got on top of her and beat her bloody until they pulled me off of her. i didn't feel bad then.

i wouldn't do these things. but she haunts me. she makes me wanna fuck her up.

i'm going to the gym. i need to put this energy somewhere good. i'm afraid to sleep and afraid of what time will bring.

a possible return to comments...

tuesday 07.01.03 | 12:57 am
even in my dreams

the entire year while i was at school, i could never remember my dreams. now that i'm at home or wherever i am, they're starting to come back to me. and it's frightening. it's terribly frightening.

even in my dreams i'm really stressed out and driving two cars at once and trying not to die and trying to get out of conflicts and everything is going completely wrong and robert is always running away from me, farther and farther away.

and there's nothing sadder than the space between you and the one thing you want growing bigger and bigger until you can't see them anymore at all.

he pushed me away and said the most horrible things i've ever heard. when i woke up i felt like death. i drove away. far far away so no one could find me. i dream that i'm dying. that i'm responsible for a death. i killed a baby. and i had to run away. i had to die.

lately i've been growing apathetic towards my waking life and now it's even bleeding into my sleep. i try to smile but i really don't feel well in my head at all.

i find it kinda funny i find it kinda sad the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had.

monday 06.30.03 | 4:03 pm
true love waits. i won't wait

i'm going to start taking care of myself. that shouldn't have to be something i should consciously make an effort to do but i went to the health center today with a handful of problems and the one good thing i took away was that i have to take care of myself from now on.

no kidney infection. score.

so i'll go back to the health center next week and make sure everything is peachy with me just to check.

maybe i'll drink eight glasses of water today. maybe. couldn't hurt.

i'm waiting around for traffic to die so i can drive home and fix things around there, make them look respectable and maybe do some ultraviolence.

sometimes i need someone else to give me a few words and help me out because i don't always have the best judgment. scarlett said to stop wasting my time. she said she'd be angry if she was me and that i deserve and can have better.

and i think to myself, whatever will i do? i don't want a fuck buddy. i want a boy to love that loves me too.

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