saturday 06.28.03 | 9:53 pm
nobody knows

i like people watching... sometimes more than i like interacting with them. depends who. i don't like strangers. it takes a while for me to get comfortable. robert says too many people are just fucking stupid.

i said... yeah.

and i like answering in single words if only one is sufficient.

things seem to be going okay. i like eating din-din with teera. i'm happy to see armand eat too. i people watched at the pool teerie is lifeguarding at today but i didn't bring my harry potter to read. bummer, brah.

it is reassuring to know that she can save a life. and it's comforting to know that two people can be together. it's disappointing when you expect more of someone than you get. armand says "it's a lifestyle." well fuck.

god my love life is fucked. too many times lately i've asked myself "what the fuck am i doing?"

but once you start it's hard to stop. it's only a matter of breaking points from now on.

not so sunny an outlook but i just wish i had... just a little more of what i like. little things that mean so much to me.

armand always tells me something serious and cute about teera about how he owes her an apology, about how he'll do whatever teera wants to do, about how when she sleeps and he drives he takes every turn so slow and holds her because he doesn't want anything to happen.

he asks what the situation is between me and you-know-who. i hide my face in my hands.

he says that's not the way to make it better. i ask him what would make it better? he doesn't know.

i get the same answer too.

thursday 06.26.03 | 6:43 pm
"we'll figure it out"

funny how everything works out.

i don't know what the fuck i'm getting myself into. right now it doesn't sound too bad.

but that was probably the most calm, most positive-ending serious conversation i have ever had with him. didn't end in tears, didn't end in much except for agreeing on something and feeling good about it.

it's strange. i've heard of animal magnetism but what we have is something off. i can't stay mad at him. he can't hate me. we are an odd couple, if you can even call us that. i suppose you can... in some way.

the most i can do with anything is take it one day at a time...

because one week at a time is not one of the options.

thursday 06.26.03 | 12:31 am
he's hot and he knows his stuff

today was a good day.

i stayed awake all through class and by the time i got out the weather was really nice. so i ate lunch at the beach with scarlett.

too many people though. but a small child with a bowl cut ( couldn't have been older than 3) came up to me and showed me a sand crab he caught. and said some other stuff about his mom that i couldn't understand and said "hello" as his goodbye.

i wanted to take him home just like how i want to take home all the puppies from the pet store in the mall. they're in too small glass-wire cages with flourescent light and people tapping at them. for $1000 when on sale, i don't know who shops there.

i wanna go in and buy em all one day.

i came home. big sis said she got free tickets to the angels game. we went. field level... 8 rows away. the foul balls were just barely missing me, too short, too long, never just right.

i'm sewing now. i wanna get a purse done soon. i wanna date robert di battista cause he's hot and he knows his stuff.

tuesday 06.24.03 | 9:24 pm
something static

don't get me wrong, i feel good. but there's just one more thing that i could use:

a job.

so i've been lookin', keeping my eyes open for "help wanted" signs and lo and behold, conroy's flowers is hiring. i'd be so my fair lady up in that joint, you don't even know.

i picked up an application today and turned it in today. i'm on top of things.

i think ahead a lot. so. if i do get a job i will probably have to take out my eyebrow bar. i'll just have to get more piercings where you can't see. my navel. not any naughty bits, you punk.

i've been thinking the tattoo over some more and just haven't come to design something i want on my body forever. i don't want a stupid flower or fairy or some dolphin shit on my back neither. no nautical stars. no stars, period. no chinese characters cause that's gay. nothing off the parlor wall, basically.

gotta think these things through thoroughly. something in my life might as well be static.

i gotta drive back to oc tonight so i'm off to school now. wish me luck. chemistry is so much fun!

monday 06.23.03 | 9:08 pm
right on

sue boo said that lucy liu is the poster child for asian women. sue said that lucy liu wasn't that hot and she shouldn't be.

but if not her, then who? what other asian chicks can you name in the business, really?

i don't know about you but i think she looks pretty nice.

i have always had a thing for lucy liu just because she is asian and hot. and you know what, i'm asian too.

so fucking much in common.

i'm embarassed to admit this but i will probably see the charlie's angels movie solely because i like watching lucy liu move.

some guy that used to smoke me out and put on porn asked me if porn for girls was about the sex and gettin' off like it is for the boys or if it was just because a girl was gettin fucked.

i told him it was just because a girl was gettin fucked. he said "right on."

monday 06.23.03 | 8:12 pm
so fucking good

i am one tired button. boop boop.

today was interesting. last night was better though. much better. four times better, to be exact. oh my god.

i'm thinking about going vegetarian. sometimes i think, hey it's not that bad. then i think, what the fuck am i turning into a hippy for? for the meantime, i am one for moderation.

i am totally fine with whatever is going on with my life. i've accepted things. i'm learning things. i feel challenged in school... not really, but whatever.

besides the lack of sleep last night, i feel really good today... really, really good. it doesn't bother me that he snores or grinds his teeth or makes funny noises when he's dreaming. he twitches and bends his toes right before he falls asleep and it's the cutest thing ever.

i think he's the best thing since sliced bread. no. better. i don't think sliced bread is that great, i'm not sure where that expression came from.

but i know that i feel the best when he's near me and i want him to be mine for always. he makes me feel safe. i trust him. i can forget the bad parts.

infinity+1?

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