saturday 06.07.03 | 10:11 pm
been a long time

been a long time been a long lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely time.

i've been driving around like mad these two days trying to move all my shit. who knew i had accrued so much... shit. so much for one person to move, or to keep in a small room that is shared with another person who also has too much.

i can't wait to just be in one place for more than a few hours. the drives back and forth from oc to burbank are giving me headaches of drives i took that took too long that were too long ago and now the miles are too much.

demetra and i went shopping for grandma-huge sunglasses but had no luck. the search continues. we even went to k-mart thinking... old people have to shop somwhere cheap. i bought cheap nail polish instead. a girl has to have her small pleasures. it's some shade of pink.

this week is going to be interesting. final. final. party. move. party. move. goodbye. home. i just want to be still for a little while and not worry about a final that's worth 50% of my grade.

a girl needs her midnight margaritas this week to unwind.

saturday 06.07.03 | 1:05 am
cave in

thank god for tivo. it knows just how to treat me. what do i like, tivo? i told you once before. you never forget.

my mom is a different story. she's crazy. no. and you think your parents are strange. my mom... she. i don't know. it's just not right with her. nothing. ever. good enough.

cantonese is the kind of language where everything that is said sounds like yelling. it could be something really nice and poetic... still sounds terribly mean. so when they're yelling and insulting you? it sounds worse.

yes, it's true.

i love her but she makes me go mad sometimes. and i end up blaming her for all the things that are wrong with me. that's not right either but i can't help it.

it seems like i spend/waste so much time trying to please her, doing what she would want me to do even though it seems that that is the last thing i do sometimes.

i wish she knew how much she hurts me. it must be equal to how much grandma hurts her. i see the pain in between those two when they talk, when they look. and i don't want it to be like that between us.

i want it to be like a disney movie family.

i am developing a passionate hatred for art and all its connotations lately. i'm not sure what that's about but it's very detrimental to my work.

but it's hard when i'm packing up my things to move home and finding the pictures from october when everything seemed so together, so solid. and lately though i try to act like they still are, i hurt so much inside.

it feels like i can't do anything right.

thursday 06.05.03 | 6:22 pm
behind a locked door

went salsa dancing last night with sue and the girlies even though i should have been doing work. so i stayed up until four doing that. woke up at 8.

but it was good, my first time. twas fun. lots of strange older men that wanna dance with young girls drinking too much. "are you a millionaire?" "nooo..." "that's alright baby cause my love don't cost a thang." oh you mean just like my homegirl j.lo? back up, sir. please. thank you.

i made a rocking chair. it fits in the palm of my hand. when my ceramics teacher told me we were making chairs in class i told him "i ain't no engineer." and he said "that don't mean you can't make no chair, miss tiffany." and i said "alright, alright. i'll make your damn chair." and voila.

said goodbye to writing teacher and poetry teacher today. wished me luck. i wished them luck. poetry girl was really nice to me. she must be happy the class is done. she told me i should apply to be in upper division writing classes and she thought my folder was pretty. i told her gee thanks. i meant it though. getting her opinion on my writing was good for me.

drawing class-- done. poetry class-- done. three more to go. i'm almost done. hard to believe a whole year slipped by. it's like that every time a year ends. i know a lot happened but it's hard for me to remember all at once.

tuesday 06.03.03 | 11:32 pm
i'll never be an artist.

the other day someone told me that if you ever have to question yourself about whether or not you should be an artist, then you can't be one. there should be no doubt in your mind that you can make it because you have to be ruthless and poor and spend all your money on art and still love it when everybody thinks you suck (if they even know who you are.)

he said that americans hate art and they hate real culture and the real artist must be obsessive over something that is completely useless.

i'm not ruthless. losing yahoo pool to scarlett makes me wanna retch. not really. but i am having a severe losing streak.

you know, being an art major has made me see how not serious i am about pursuing this any further than a hobby and i'm sick of the politics and running into the same pretentious people that are, when it comes down to it, just better than me, the fucking elite. or they're not very good at all and will have to get an office job. it's depressing.

i don't want to starve and i don't want to marry rich so i can still produce art. i want to be self-sufficient and in this day and age when nobody really buys art or knows artists... there is little hope. the six feet under girl said art school killed the one thing that mattered to her. that's how i feel lately.

i'm up for hire. if you would like me to work for you (and live in the LA or OC area), doing anything except performing sexual services or other demeaning things, please try to contact me. i will even clean your house. ain't no shame in bein' a maid. (i have the french maid outfit, by the way.)i need money to pay the growing bills and support my habit. thank you.

tuesday 06.03.03 | 1:23 am
paul zaloom

i know you might find this silly but i went to visual culture class today (almost ditched, so so close to skipping it) but we had a guest speaker.

guest speaker guy talked for nearly 40 minutes before he popped in a video and said that he had one day job his entire life.

my guest speaker guy was none other than beakman from beakman's world. remember? the weird bill nye the science guy but not guy.

paul zaloom is so fucking rad.

so i finished my drawing. it's not even 1:30 pm. it's not that good but oh well. i'm tired. i want to sleep. can't nobody stop me now.

tony pierce showed me some poetry from back in his college days at ucsb because he is happy that it looks like i might be going there. time to get it right... second time around. not totally sure why i didn't want to go there a year ago... could have... don't remember why.

oh well. every minute is another chance to turn it all around, like sophia said. she also said i'll tell you in another life when we are both cats.

meow.

monday 06.02.03 | 7:50 pm
i guess you're as real as me

i'm tired. i went to bed at four. i woke up at noon. i went to my classes and here i am trying to draw but not doing so well. it's not that i think i suck. i know i have some relative somewhat natural skills but when i look at it i just don't think it's very good at all and i wish i had better eyes.

good artists have to have good eyes. to see and to copy or just to see things the way that most people don't.

i'm not sure what i have.

i'm about as mellow as i can be throughout finals week. i have a dozen things to do but i know i'll get it all done decent and then i can just go to the beach, drink some beer and not worry so much about the silly things.

it's nice and quiet right now and i won't be distracted. i can draw and draw and draw and hopefully get some sleep before the most painful, longest, drawn out crits tomorrow.

demetra decided she's going to try to transfer to santa barbara with me and then we can be together forever and make rice krispy treats and watch old movies and surf in between classes. things are about as good as can be besides the stress that's starting to eat away at me.

monday 06.02.03 | 2:31 am
there laid a piece of glass

i'm up trying to work on my drawing. it's taking forever and i'm getting nowhere. i had one week. it's due tomorrow. i just don't want to do it. that teacher has taken all the passion out of it. i just want to turn in a drawing i already turned in and tell him to go fuck himself. but... i probably won't.

i'm so not ballsy like that.

in fact, i'm about as far from it as possible as proven by tonight's not interesting, not anything conversation with the boy. the trouble with aim is sometimes i really cannot tell the tone of a person but i imagined him yelling at me.

maybe he wasn't. that's just how i envisioned him speaking at me. and with him yelling at me and stress on my head to the high heavens, i just can't fake the smile today. i apologize.

i don't know why i miss being hurt. people tell me nobody deserves that. i just miss having someone. anyone. that thinks i'm cute when i'm so not and that doesn't laugh at me when i'm being a dork and who i'm not afraid to ask embarassing questions or tell secrets to when i'm not supposed to.

scarlett won't spoon me. she's no use.

i think i'm getting frustrated because the other night i dreamt some nerdy boy from my writing class kept asking me out for coffee and i could never say no but i made it so that i never had to go so he just kept asking. and then a girl hit on me and i said no to her.

everything is filling my insides and they're beginning to eat themselves up. i feel physically sick daily now. i wonder if he will call me when we go home because from the way that he yells i don't see why he would want to. i've never been more by myself in my entire life but i'm not lonely.

sunday 06.01.03 | 12:56 am
good day, best day

ooh. i learned how to play weezer's "butterfly" on zee old acoustic guitar. scarlett told me weezer is easy so i said... okay i'm going to learn a weezer song this week. and poof, i did. i'll play it for you if you ask me to.

i went to the beach near my new house and took pictures and felt nice except it was too crowded. i touched the water with my toes then my knees then my tummy and then i wanted to go back to shore but scarlett wanted more and more and more and then her head went down down under. that girl is wild.

i still smell like ocean. i like the way it stays on me.

i drove home to see jenni before she flees home again to go back up north for...ever. she hates her home/family, it makes her crazy but i lovelovelove her. i saw teerie too and she makes me happy. their boyfriends were at a strip club so we talked and we drank coffee at 11 at night and it reminds me of a dashboard confessional song.

not sure which one. don't know the names. don't care.

i love those girls. i love all the people i run across. they're so new and different and lovely.

i love scarlett cause she's the bestest. i love teerie and jenni cause they're home. i love demetra cause she's the same. i love anna macias from across the hall because she loves me too and tells me i deserve it. i love robert cause i just do.

i love doche cause he wanted to see me today but he forgot to call me or something and that's okay. it's nice that he tried.

i love you too. you're the bestest. you're so good to me.

i'm going to get a job. i'm going to do all the things i want to do. i have direction in life. it is good. it is great.

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