saturday 05.31.03 | 1:54 pm
this month needs to end

i signed up for next quarter's classes after a few hours of stress trying to make it all fit and staring at the monitor. it works. 5 days a week. mwf the best: 9-12. tth not so good: 11-12, 2-6. 17 units only. chemistry, calc 2b, italian, painting. i tried to balance out the good classes with the yucky ones.

i saw finding nemo last night with the dormies and it was cute. i got an application for urban outfitters but the girls that worked at that one looked very intimidating. will i ever find a job?

i'm having the meanest dreams lately. i can't even do well in the board game LIFE and i can't sleep peacefully and my waking life is soo tired right now. the best part of today was seeing that guy with the big messy hair that plays the guitar too well this morning making a waffle. i don't know why.

optimistic note: in july i will be learning how to surf. and all next year i will be living one house away from the sand in frou frou newport beach. so poot!

thursday 05.29.03 | 8:23 pm
the beautiful little moment unfolding around you

i broke down today. i walked out of class and left people mid-conversation because my head was about to crack. my body feels like it's giving out on me. what's wrong, body?

an entire school year is drawing to a close and i have not been to any of the libraries. i went to activate my card but i did not stay for longer than 10 minutes. i think i'm going to go tonight. and i think i'm going to pack up a lot this weekend. i get to go home on the ninth. rejoice?

i don't like my drawing teacher. he treats me like shit. i love my poetry teacher all tattooed and red-haired and liberal. but there's nothing more i want than to get out of here. i'm so burnt out.

my teacher said that writing should take you somewhere. not to write about just how you feel, how you think you feel. it should make you realize things... your boyfriend sucks, your life sucks, you suck and to change.

i said.. okay. i'm trying to get things in order. trying to prepare to transfer schools, trying to prepare to go live in another country for a year, trying to figure out what i'm doing and all the while trying to not be so damn negative. oh yeah. and i go swim with anna every day. or i try to.

that's what counts, anyway.

05.29.03 | 2:41 am
take another shot. don't be a pussy.

it is wednesday night. so i drank with the girlies. next week is margarita week. this is leftover week. i have a class in 5 hours. i stopped drinking. otherwise i'd keep goin like a champ.

i wrote a poem for poetry class. i never seem to like any of my poems... really like em. i think they're okay for the time being because i'm trying to meet some deadline. it's about.. guess what and who.

i think of him too much. so much it makes my head and my heart hurt. much more than he probably thinks of me.

this guy in my class wrote poems when he was shroomin and i told him i want to do that and he said he would make that happen. and i said how much and when and he said soon, baby, soon. 20 for an 1/8th. and i thought that sounded normal unless you get "i give you head" mad hookups, as chris would say.

but i will not be reduced to that.

oh yeah. and anna kissed me on my lips.

that is my bed. wish you were in it.

tuesday 05.27.03 | 10:51 pm
miss you love you thinkin of you

i've updated a lot today. sometimes i have a lot to say and other days nothing happens. i don't like participating in poetry class. there are only 15 people. the class is participation-driven. still i refuse. i speak once or twice in a 1.5 hour period. but it seems that everyone liked my last poem and my teacher respects what i have to say when i do speak.

i do appreciate that.

today i went to the gym for a class and then i swam. and i have not swam in more than a year. but anna is my new swim buddy and together we are like a pair of high school kids.

i think i'm gonna swim tomorrow. i kinda miss the chlorine smell on my skin and the feeling it leaves on my hair in a sick way.

i miss lots of things and lots of people that do not call when they are home on weekends from far away and get too busy to say hello. they forget and i do too. but i'm trying.

tuesday 05.27.03 | 2:10 pm
i want

there is a picture of a girl pinned to the wall next to my bed. she has a perfect body and she is in a bikini. and every time i look at her i want to be more rail thin and it makes me want to go to the gym. so i didn't eat dinner last night and i ate raw vegetables for lunch today.

i got the idea from anna. she has girls near her bed too and one day i asked her why she had pictures of girls in bikinis because she does like to kiss me. she told me. i thought it would be depressing but it's not.

it's working. i'm off to the gym and i'm not coming back until i look like this. except my boobs aren't going to be as big as hers. but at least i won't be sagging to my knees when i'm a granny.

i don't have you with me now but i keep a good attitude.
--elliott smith

tuesday 05.27.03 | 12:35 pm
i am milk

this is pretty close to my house. down my street until you get to the busy street. and they never change the marquee. never.

but when i look at it, i don't think it's funny. my mom does. she told me she'd buy milk for me on my birthday.

i see it and i think... misplaced modifier. you don't buy someone. you buy the milk for someone you love.

the place is alright. i've been there once. you drive in to the place and there's no store it's just a refrigerated wall of milk and a guy comes to your car and asks "what would you ilke?" and you don't even have to get out or turn off the engine or anything.

bloody brilliant.

tuesdat 05.27.03 | 12:19 pm
i don't drink booze, it dulls the drugs.

i saw that written on a t-shirt and it looked really cute. but why must urban outfitters ask for money that i don't have? time to get a job.

i worked on a group art project until 3 or 4 in the am. because of that, i skipped out on a possibly important drawing class. but i am but a slave to my slumber. i don't mean to gross you out but i got a really gross blister from wearing my dr. scholl's shoes.

i think it looks kinda raw and i can't stand walking around in any shoes because everything rubs up on it. but look at the skirt i'm wearing instead. it's gonna be 80 in sunny southern california today.

so my project. we made a lot of little shrine things to put on every table in our rather large, crowded dining hall. bright colors, flowers, graphic pictures of animal cruelty and facts about factory-farmed animals produced solely for consumption. we put up flyers too.

and for 40 minutes it was fine and we were taping people's reactions... mostly they were repulsed and they were placed faced down.

then the manager came up and ripped down all our flyers and collected all our shrines and all the managers came as we exited and they said "i wonder if they're still up there. we have to take this seriously."

yes. let's take this very seriously.

sunday 05.25.03 | 6:41 pm
watch it, punk.

so things are going okay today. i saw demetra driving and she gave me a beepbeep and a cheesy smile with a wave. i went to afloat sushi. i watched surf girls. i browsed the shops in old town pasadena. i washed my car. sounds okay. and it was... okay.

i went to fry's with my dad to pick up some things and i was trying to get ahead of the line to meet up with him. and fry's has some pretty nasty lines some days like today.

fairly thin space with lots of people and this one lady would not move even though i said "excuse me" quite kindly. i said "excuse me" once more with no result and then i pushed her aside... lightly. the guy she was with said "god, you can't even say 'excuse me'" as i walked by and i was tempted to yell "i fucking said excuse me twice, you prick!" but i held it in as i do everything.

internalize, not self-destruct.

and i proceeded about five people to get to my daddy and i looked back to see what the bitch and her beau looked like and the prick looked right at me, squinted his eyes, and shook his head. and me? i gave him the biggest, cheesiest smile i could.

i'm turning mean and nasty and cynical. i think it's because i hung around robert bernard di battista and demetra too much. (it's kinda fun though.)

sunday 05.25.03 | 12:04 pm
focus

the new jack johnson is ringing in my ears. i'm not very up to date because until a week ago i didn't even know there was a new jack johnson. but i'm all caught up now, thanks. and i laughed when i was in virgin megastore browsing the vinyl and i saw "on and on" for $18.99 but wait! it was on sale for $14.99. i burned one for me and one for my sister. take that.

so i'm home this weekend. i'm trying not to think but it keeps following me around. see, see, i even saw the new matrix. i'm such a good consumer. it was mildly entertaining, by the way.

devon aoki is probably my favorite model. who has a favorite model, anyway? but if i had one, she would be it. i'm not sure it was the best career move to act in 2fast2furious alongside... ludacris. but i still want to see her in a teeny bopper infatuation sort of way.

the worst thing about being an art major is that you have to think up some great, clever ideas. your whole sell is that you have a great idea, better than everyone else in your class. it's one big contest on how clever you can be. and not only that but you have to do it on a deadline or a few at once. i'm so not clever. i don't think i'll make dean's list again this quarter. fock.

i'm trying to concentrate. trying to be here but all i can think about is going to the beach and learning how to surf and skateboarding down the boardwalk and saving up money and going to italy. summer is the season, jesus is the reason, muthafukkahs.

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