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mawr
friday 05.23.03 | 8:09 pm
okay. so i lied. i wasn't any happier when i woke up this morning and i was probably more grumpy because i could not for the life of me get the smell of bonfire out of my hair. my hair still smells like fire from last night. i lathered a big dollop of white tea and ginger shampoo and conditioner with no luck. i've had a very strange day.
i came home.
i just want this quarter to be over and i want things to settle down so i can get things right again. nothing feels right and i'm so tired all the time. so so tired. but i don't know what's wrong with me. i just wish someone's hands could fit perfectly with my hands and i'd have someone to be with all the time.
thursday 05.22.03 | 1:01 pm
mean thoughts cheap shots
the nude model kind of reminded me of luke wilson when my gaze hit the side of his face and when he sat really still. but he had a gaudy diamond ring on his right ring finger and a gold earring in his right ear lobe and he was not circumcised. but that's not the point.
scarlett went home and i'm all alone. i think i just get used to having her skulking around the room all the time and now there's no one to skulk with. i don't like it when all these people are telling me "wow, you look really depressed" so i'm trying to smile more but i think it's coming off more fake than i intend.
he called me. it didn't last that long and i'm not sure why or what is going on. but i just miss having someone to talk to all the time and wamt to be with all the time who wants to be with me.
when today is over i'll be much happier. believe you me.
05.20.03 | 10:24 pm
going mad
tuesday 05.20.03 | 8:58 pm
calm like a bomb
something went wrong today somewhere but i'm not sure where. it started out good. i went to drawing class--the highlight of my day--and drew a naked woman.
and it was very creepy when she made eye contact with me and smiled. i mean, how was i supposed to react? i smilled quickly and then plunged into my work but i felt weird knowing what this woman's bush looks like and where her tattoo is that only special boys and girls get to see. but my instructor walked by and said "good, tiffany. really good. that's great."
i thought, well shit you didn't think i was so great last week when you critiqued my composition, did you? i finished my plate in ceramics. and shit, i didn't even have that class. i went in to studio hours. me? yes. i'm on top of things.
what? i went to poetry and read my poem and had a good crit? why yes, i did. what? my teacher liked it? yeah, she did. what? a number of people said it was good? yeah. my day should have been going great.
i went to the gym alone. i'm all independent. but honestly, every time i have to eat i feel nauseated like it's fucking airplane food. let's join the mile high club? non. let's eat to stay alive. but i just don't buy into that lately.
i don't know. i have nothing to be unhappy about but it seems like everyone else doesn't have to try this hard to get through the day. i feel like i need to be inebriated to be somewhat normal. i wanted to see the psychiatrist at the health center but they're fucking booked for a few weeks. whyyyyyyyyyy. don't the bastards understand i need drugs now?
tuesday 05.20.03 | 8:07 pm
check yo self
save yourself while you can. everyone's health is going to shit. rest in peace scarlett rose davis. i was trying to get everything back to normal. i was trying to get on a normal sleeping routine this week. scarlett woke me up at 5:30 in the morning on monday telling me her kidneys hurt and she wanted to throw up.
she did. a lot. and it smelled like acid and bean and cheese burrito in our room and i thought i was gonna yak until i held my nose and threw it away-- she made it into the trashcan this time, not all over her down comforter, praise da lord. and in my half-awake stupor i talked to her mom and she sounded worried and asked me to take care of her daughter.
and jesus, at 6 am you really do not want to do anything but sleep. so we both fell asleep because throwing up made her feel better. but we got up promptly at 8 and i hauled our asses to the health center.
and after 1 hour of the waiting room, the kidney infection rears its ugly head. she's beating me by one kidney infection! but the paranoia is settling in and i've realized that i've been peeing like every hour on the fucking hour, like mtv news or some shit like that. but it's (probably) just in my head. let's wait until the 104 fever kicks in like last time.
sunday 05.18.03 | 11:18 pm
my favorite things
i daydream of boys like tony pierce until i realize that he is too old for me and the wrong sign entirely. he is a libra. i'm an aries. he said i like to fight and i like drama. i told him i don't like any of those things, they just follow me around, the little fuckers. i'm on the pisces cusp, or that's what sue says. she says that's why i'm mellow and quiet. i said...okay.
i went shopping with demetra today. and it's weird. i haven't seen the girl for 5 months and have barely talked to her. but i miss her and i want to see her more.
i bought a gi-normous, hu-gungous frame from ikea today. it's a nice icy blue and it fits my bjork poster so nicely, so sweetly, so love-i-ly that even my mother wants to hang it down in the foyer... err, you know, the wall near the door.
everyone loves an icelandic girl. and in some weird, twisted or honest, lovely way people are showing me love lately too. and for the first time in a long time i'm starting to feel normal (whatever that means.)
i don't know. i still miss the boy a lot but i thought about it. before i met the boy there was another boy and before i met that boy i was just a girl, alone like i am now. and i was fine with that. and it's time to get fine about it again. i don't need anyone. they only slow you down in the end when they leave.
but it's oh so nice having them around.
