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love
mawr
saturday 05.17.03 | 4:15 pm
and i don't mind waiting if it takes a long, long time. and i don't mind wasting the best years of our lives. i've been listening to far too much elliott smith and rilo kiley this week. but my ears just can't take anything too upbeat or sugary sweet, they only like tha blues. i came home a little after 2 last night. i got a little lost (as usual) but i found my way. i don't know. i'm sure that eventually i'll get over this stupid funk i'm going through. you know, they say that it only lasts as long as you make it. but i think that's a lie. i wish i did feel better. i wish i could smile more and not feel so goddamn uncomfortable every place i go. i wish i wasn't so fucking paranoid about being better than whatever i am. he wrote me.
i'm doing the best i can.
the sad thing is that i find myself thinking about him more these days and wondering when i'll see him again and how much i'll want to sit close to him but i'll try to keep away because of how fucking dangerous it is.
but i'm not very good at trying.
i won't be home all summer, though. weekends and some of august and september and a week in june. the tragedy of summer school and leaving the country to see italia, 2nd time around.
optimistic update: i'm going to learn how to surf so i can take advantage of living at the beach next year. should be sweet. me in the bikini all tan ripping it up and bananarama "cruel summer" in the background.
if you turn your head to the right a bit, you'd see where i'm going to live from sept-june.
someone said i was beautiful yesterday and not to be so sad. it worked a little.
friday 05.16.03 | 6:55 pm
ain't that sad
friday 05.16.03 | 5:39 pm
something to take the edge off, please.
i went to the beach today. it was nice. but whenever i lay in the sun i can't help but envision my skin dying and againg and sagging because of the damage. but i do it anyway. i'm excited about next year. i can be at the beach every day. we parked near our house and sat on the beach right in front of it... but you know, near the water. and for a minute there, i lost myself.
i'm sure i'll find sand in all sorts of weird places today. in my bellybutton, behind my ear. i remember going to the beach with this boy and we could never find the beach we wanted. we just found a beach and it was good enough. and i have the pictures still but when i look at them i want to carve hearts into my wrist because he hasn't called and he's on to new and better things and i still feel like death, 7 weeks after he told me i'm not worth it.
i might not go home tonight. i might go to hollywood by myself to drink absinthe instead. maybe i'll wear high heels, fishnets, a low cut shirt, and a mini mini skirt and maybe i'll make some money to buy me a new boy. why can't you just buy them anyway. if only there was a place, my heart might not bleed so.
hurry it up already. i'm so fucking lonely today. why won't he call. or anyone or someone new or anything. [..crickets..]
jesus. i want to die sometimes. like the past 7 weeks sometimes.
thursday 05.15.03 | 10:11 pm
another day
i've had a pretty shitty day. but i did finish fahrenheit 451. and i did lay at the sunny beach running my feetsies through the sand like it was brown sugar. it was hot and caring unlike most things i've encountered lately. i did get a bad crit in drawing class.
and it made me feel sad. because i was up against some really perfect, and i mean perfect compositions. and that's how my day started.
i missed poetry class and i e-mailed her and she was really understanding. she told me that "everything would (eventually) be okay whatever was happening" and that "sometimes the universe likes to throw us speedballs to keep us on our toes or avalanches that change your life forever. hopefully this is just a speedball." she told me missing class was no big deal and e-mailing her my assignment was fine. how i adore that woman.
it's just another day. i went to the gym. i went to park and see the lunar eclipse with none other than the lovely miss scarlett. and i yelled at teejay and hung up on him and made him curse at me and before that i was crying and felt like retching. so i did.
if you asked me what's wrong i'd tell you nothing really or that i'm fine. but inside i feel like my insides are eating themselves up and nothing is right. and i can't stand it. "i want so badly to believe that there is truth, that love is real."
oh well. i guess i'll go to the beach again tomorrow. they say it'll be another beautiful day.
tuesday 05.15.03 | 1:05 am
dead poet
She put de lime in de coconut, she drank 'em bot' up
wednesday 05.14.03 | 5:51 pm
i am learning how to play the intro to stairway to heaven. it is my goal to learn a song or part of a song every week. then i won't let my new guitar sit around and get dusty. i got to take something home from ceramics today. the minty green glaze i used on parts of it match my telephone perfectly. with ceramics glaze you never can tell. you put the glaze on the bisqueware and it dries so light and matte and looks nothing like what you want. so i just picked up a few bottles with names that i liked.
She put de lime in de coconut, she drank 'em bot' up.
She put de lime in de coconut, she drank 'em bot' up
She put de lime in de coconut, she call de doctor, woke 'im up,
Said "doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take?"
I said "Doctor, to relieve this belly ache,"
I said "Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take?"
I said "Doctor, to relieve this belly ache."
Now lemme get this straight.
i'm tired. it's time for midnight margaritas. i wrote a poem for poetry class. keep in mind i have to read this aloud to 20 strangers and then remain silent for 10 minutes while they tear it apart line by line by line.
void
the wet empty streets shine
and we walk over them
there are
so many things I only wish I could say
but he steals the words from my mouth
takes them out
carelessly
crushes them in a devious way
returns them kindly and sits
acts like he knows everything
what’s best for me what’s best for us
while silence is burning its own echo
writhing in my ears
staining my mouth with each second
I’d like to photograph this pretty little moment
black and white and defeated
look at it some other day
when it isn’t so hard to think
or breathe or just be
because as each minute bleeds into the next
I’ll think of all the things I want to say
how to condense all the feelings
when a four letter word
can’t possibly do justice
400 miles away for a year
he will want more than this
I saw it then I feel it now
and as I clench my hands into angry little fists
I am angered when reminded
that there are
so many things
I only wish I could say
that is all. so long farewell adieu to yeu and yeu and yeu.
tiffany wants a hug.
i'm getting apathetic with this whole... school thing. i missed a lecture this morning and visual culture class this afternoon but puh-leeze, they're both so deathly, dreary boring these days. the art history i appreciate, the visual culture? i just want it to die.
most people are finishing up their semesters and i am in week 7 of 11 of this quarter. but all is well. piccadilly is still alive. the plants are alive. i'm alive.
now it is time to write poetry of things i know nothing about but i love the way that words fit together. i like the way they string along and mean anything you want and sometimes nothing you want when people read into it the wrong way. those people say that pain makes great art. but i still think all my art is cliché and tacky.
and i'm still going through every day like my life is one painful, lonely mess and i feel broken and like nothing is good anymore. jesus. he doesn't know. he doesn't know. he'll never know because he'll never call he'll never write he'll never ever and the next time we see each other will be random and i'll be a mess and feel unprepared and speechless and he won't care.
tuesday 05.13.03 | 12:19 pm
coochie coochie coo
it's noon on a tuesday and i just made myself a nice little tropical cocktail. it may be overcast outside but it is nice and toasty right here.
i need to sleep. i haven't slept in a long, long time. stupid art projects. they seem to come in waves. i'm half-assing my way through all of them too.
that's my vagina! no, not my vagina but i painted it late on sunday night. holier than thou. the 2nd coming. whatever title you want to give it. (it's not a good picture but the likeness of jesus is in the bush.)
my dad never really gets mad but i saw him get riled up on saturday night. when he does get mad, you know it must be really bad because he's good at hiding things. when we were little and our dad yelled you know you were really in trouble because he just never yelled. ever. it was at some chinese restaurant for a family dinner with my cousins and things and he dropped $300 for the tab when the guy disrespected us and talked back to him. more words, more words in cantonese-- a language so completely loud and angry any way you speak it.
i don't speak it.
it just doesn't come out right in my meek voice.
we left and i don't think we're ever going back. there's a lot of things i don't understand about my family and a lot of things they just don't say. i found out my dad is buying a company last weekend when he asked my sister to look at a contract. when does all this happen.
