monday 04.21.03 | 6:12 pm
heads will roll

i got a bad crit in visual culture today. it was pretty bad but so were a lot of people's and right when the bad crits started coming out i knew i was in for it. i want to crush the skulls of all the bastards in there. hey, i know my shit sucks. i know it's shit. i know i'm nothing but you don't have to say it to my face, alright?

it's a little depressing when people tell you that you're unoriginal and everything you're saying has been said billions of times before. it was that girl from drawing that started it. that girl that's so good that you just want to kick her because no way should she be placed in basic drawing, you know, the one that the teachers always says "wow, she's good" to the TA.

well, the motherfucking project was appropriation, bitches. i'm going to write that bitch a letter. like an idiot i said nothing. i was so mad that i picked at my fingernails and looked at the floor because that's what i do when people are talking shit to me. i don't talk. i think of great shit to say. i just don't say it.

i guess now i know what to expect from that class. next time i'll just have to be incredibly vulgar and terribly original and better than everyone else. and if they're still better they just have to die.

just when i think i'm starting to get better, starting to get my shit together and start to balance everything back to normal my own peers give me shit.

i bought 180 feet worth of ribbon on sunday when i was at joann fabric shopping for a quilt that my sister was making. that's only a small taste. you would not believe the many uses of good ribbon. i think i am going crazy. i was so excited by that bag of ribbon and it really was the best part of my otherwise anguish-filled day.

i'll start being happy tomorrow, promise. that, or i'll lie to you.

sunday 04.20.03 | 4:20 pm
"i hope you don't write me off completely. i still love you."

i'm just a little bit angry.

hey it's 420 on 420. i didn't plan that. hey all you stoners (like bastard) that spend all their money on drugs instead of anything else. this one is for you, motherfuckers. i have not smoked today. partly because i'm not at school right now. the other part because it is such a thing that bastard would do.

this picture is part of my new hair pictures. i have run out of pictures but i like having pictures because some people like larry say they sometimes just look at the pictures and don't care about what the writing says. so boo yeah. i got mine. don't worry. i'm not really this happy usually. lately, it's only when i'm on drugs. but don't worry! i can handle it! and don't worry! i can do as much as i want without bastard giving me shit.

teera said to forget that bastard because he is doing things that are "so wrong." so i say okay. she said it's in the past and to remember there were good times but these are clearly not good times anymore so forget these and he's a bastard. so i say okay. then i say "you know. they warned me. they said he really hurt his ex-girlfriend before me and that she got really sad and that he is a horrible boyfriend and doesn't know how to treat girls."

so i say okay. teera said she knows it's hard and how can you let go of someone that you love so much but when he's being such an asshole i have to. and i say okay. i mean, the fucker has no reservations about throwing me away.

i say okay. want to know what he said? what? he wants to fuck other girls and not be confined by a relationship? what? he doesn't want to fuck complete strangers, just his friends. what? which friends? oh, he wouldn't say. but clearly you wouldn't say that unless you had someone in mind.

what? everything i say to him is "drama?" well shit, how the fuck are you gonna argue without "drama?" i wish i could hurt him the way he hurts me. it's not worth it. don't ever trust 'em.

sunday 04.20.03 | 11:14 am
crazy people!

sunday, bloody sunday. sunday, bloody sunday.

it's easter sunday, but who's counting! i don't celebrate anything like that. my parents are buddhist and i'm not really anything because they didn't force anything upon me and i chose nothing. when i was little i told my best friend that i wasn't baptized on two occassions to two different girls and they both told me i was going to hell and they were afraid for me and not to worry because it wasn't too late. now what kind of thing is that to say to a little girl?

so i wondered what was wrong with me and they thought it was strange that i had never been to church. but what the fuck would i be doing in a church, right? so they said they would take me and when i asked my mom she told me "now why would you want to go and do a thing like that? church is boring and those people are crazy." so i thought... yeah, she must be right. my mom is a smart lady. because when you're little you think your parents are infallible.

but now i'm older and i think i still think church must be boring and those people must be crazy and the only reason i've ever even been into cathedral or baptistry or anything was because it was in europe and those things are great things to see.

but i've seen the insides and outsides of st. peter's and the vatican and the i think the papacy is a little crazy. michelangelo was a heretic, he only painted that damn ceiling because he was commissioned to. it is beautiful though.

i think i'll go back soon. "religion is excellent stuff for keeping the common people quiet." --Napoleon

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