thursday 04.17.03 | 11:40 pm
scratching

i'm not good enough. i'm going to switch to asceticism. i am nothing. i am a shell. i am empty. and when i glance at my mediocre poetry homework i can't help but wonder how wonderful the comments are and how they apply to how i feel...

good start. next time, MORE quotes, explanation.

if you only knew what was going on in my head. how much i think of him. how much i hate him for not coming back already. i don't think he's joking anymore. how much i hate myself for not.... you know.

i wish i was at the gym, on a machine, zoning out and burning away everything i don't need so i feel bare so i feel on the outside the way i feel on the inside. i think if i could go to the gym i'd work out until i passed out.

i've gone to the point of eating whatever because i don't give a fuck and what's the use but now i feel gross and i'm going to take the opposite route. it's a test of will. i told chris i wouldn't eat until he called me. but we both know that i'd be hospitalized by then.

fuck it all, i'm angry. my insides are stained with dust. my outsides with tears and excess. i made that up.

thursday 04.17.03 | 10:09 pm
i am in that hole

i guess it's been about 3 weeks. and sometimes i feel like i'm about to be normal, i'm on the verge of being somewhat normal in production and emotion. and then it all falls apart when i even think of it again and i'm in a funk.

i'm done with school this week. thursday is my happy day. i turn in my weekly paper. i turn in my weekly drawing assignment and it's lovely. tonight i talked to bryan. he said...

don't feel too bad. After all, you might not want to hear this now, but its not like you won't meet someone else. I mean, you might not want someone else now, but you probably will eventually.

he told me he broke up with val and then he felt completely wrong and borrowed someone's car and drove to her work and got down on his hands and knees and begged for her to take him back. and shit, it was depressing to hear that. it's been 3 weeks. i don't think he feels wrong

he said another boy will come along. but don't bother waiting attentively, that leads to depression. he told me to do some writing and some art.

and then there it was. he said "Tiff, I remember you used to be depressed a lot. I think you have that tendency to get stuck in a hole."

i said i think i'm in that hole.

he said yes, me too.

he told me fuck him if he doesn't want to talk. why would you even want to talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to you? you don't have to prove yourself to him or anything. but just keep reminding yourself that the Robert that made you feel safe has now made you feel lost and vulnerable and upset. the things that made you like him, are opposite of the present reality between you. don't hate, don't forget, just start living without him. of course it takes time and its uncomfortable there is a empty space and i know it's mental and i'm sad for as long as i make myself be sad but you can't help it

Well, its a big loss after all And its OK to be sad Its natural But what isn't OK, is to let your being sad keep you from being at healthy. Being stuck in a hole and being sad aren't the same thing

Be sad, not stuck. oh how i'm trying.

tuesday 04.15.03 | 8:42 pm
waiting for george

today i woke up after only a few hours of sleep and checked my voicemail. i heard a woman's voice tell me that "george passed away on friday. bye bye." and she sounded like she was trying really hard not to cry. at first i couldn't really understand her, all i heard was that someone passed away and i freaked out and repeated the message.

but i don't know a george. and my husband isn't grant. and my name is not kay. but i still felt sad because kay didn't get the message and kay might not know that george passed. but jesus, lady, did you not hear my greeting? "hello, it's tiffany, leave me a message!"

jesus. well, anyway, i got the new white stripes now thanks to tony p. and now i am complete.

except that everything is falling apart and my grades are sucking and my art is mediocre and my quirky things are turning into neurotic things which are turning into craaaaaazy things. and robert doesn't want me anymore and i wonder what's so wrong with me.

and what did i do wrong. and if the person i love the most is willing to throw me away, what am i worth then? i'm lonely as hell and on saturday i sat in my room alone staring at things all day. and laying in bed and staring at the ceiling and i didn't eat and i sat and i sat and i sat. so i sit and i wait for him to come back. but i don't think he's coming ever again. will anyone.

this is the part where i turn into teenage angst girl and complain about myself. i feel fat and ugly and i don't put any makeup on or care about what i'm wearing and i hate talking and i hate everyone and i say fuck it all. motherfucker. bastard. why the fuck are you doing this to me.

why the fuck did you even bother that whole time if you were just going to break my heart. you said you wouldn't. you said you wouldn't. you said you wouldn't the first night i met you. i asked you specifically not to. motherfucker. bastard. fuck i'm going crazy.

monday 04.14.03 | 3:35 pm
the death of tiffany's car car

i feel like such a chump when it comes to ceramics. for the first time i feel like i'm behind when it comes to this kind of... art thing. everyone else's pinch pots looked so much better than mine. i'm hoping mine will look super-amazing after the kiln sets it afire or that all of the good ones will explode in the kiln. ha. i'm a bad person. one can only hope.

in case you are wondering what it looks like when you are on a freeway overpass sitting on the shoulder in your broken car--

that is what it looks like. it was like 11 at night 20 minutes away from my house. my car made a boom sound when i was going 80 in the far left lane and i was putting the same pressure on the gas pedal but it decelerated immediately from 80 to 40 to 20 in let's say... 5 seconds. so i cut across 4 lanes thinking i was going to die and i stopped on the shoulder.

i just had a near-life experience.

but my poor integra is in da shop and i am carless. i now know what it feels like to be without a car. it sucks ass.

so i got back to school around midnight and there were cops here and there was yelling down the hall and then there were people banging next door at 3 am and making my bed shake while they were aaaaahing and ooooohing and i was so embarassed i didn't know what to say. it made me feel lonely and asexual and like they were having sex just to mock me. but they finished and then i fell asleep.

monday 04.14.03 | 11:34 am
is it true?

rainy days and mondays always get me down. i woke up to the rain and i thought it was lovely. but i didn't want to move. i wanted to lay in that warm coccoon and snuggle myself and watch movies all day. because fuck class. it's been a long fucking night. but let me just say that i love chris sedhom.

her beauty the sum of an exotic menagerie,
more elegant than a swirled crimson black panoply,
you know who it is, it's got to be,
who else?

miss tiffany yee

he made my rainy day monday and it's not even noon yet.

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