w h a t
c h o o l
o o k i n a
t m u t h a
f u k k a h

saturday 04.12.03 | 9:37 am
it's quite liberating.

i cut my hair. i've desperately been trying to grow it out since summer to go into my long hair phase. but fuck, it's been growing so slowly. for more than a week i've been feeling less than below par and not that i was ever super in the positive outlook category anyway. so things have just been bordering apathy and awful.

fucking males. what are they good for besides reproduction?sex. no. they can do lots of nice things but i think that my heart just hurts these days and i can't really think of any of them clearly without imagining its counterpart involving tears.

anyway, that is all. i cut my hair much shorter because i am the new me. i am reinventing myself... you know, like madonna. you know, the stupid haircutting lady was combing my hair into my face and she combed right through my pierced eyebrow and it bled. and all she said was "oh i didn't notice it." that was after i was squirming and owww!-ing and a tear ran down my cheek. bitch.

friday 04.11.03 | 11:42 pm
the problem with my foot

i finally went to the health center. the good thing is i didn't have to pay anything. that's $30 more for me, the walk-in. the bad news is...

i have peroneal tendon strain. "the peroneal muscles are on the outer side of the lower leg and their tendons attach to the foot. these muscles and tendons help move your foot to the outside. they are either stretched or torn."

yes, thank you. he gave me nothing for the pain. i'm only taking 1800 mg of ibuprofen a day. so i'm still walking around funny. and now the pain has worsened.

and now my foot is terribly swollen.

i went to kayaking class today and i don't like it one bit. my arms are hurting. my foot is swelling. and all i want to do is lay in bed all day and nap with robert.

but he hardly talks to me.

wednesday 04.09.03 | 11:24 am
foot foot

today i got to the point where i was taking notes with my eyes closed, head resting on the back of my chair with jacket bunched up as a pillow. and my notes are actually legible.

my foot really really hurts. it's not that bad when i first wake up because it's been resting all night but after walking to even my nearest class and back, it almost brings me to tears.

and i want to go get it checked out. this is a little more than inconvenient. i can't go to the gym and i feel sluggish. i don't even want to walk anywhere unless it's absolutely necessary. but my schedule is fucking difficult. by the time i finish my classes for the day it's 5 or 6 and the health center is already closed. i can't go today because i have class from 1 to 6. jesus. i wonder if this schedule will work out for me and how much longer i can take it. it seems like i spend an entire day's worth of hours in class every week.

oh wait, i do.

i talked to robert. i still like him. he still loves me. but there's no relationship. and it's painful because i want to be kept by someone, napped with, made a companion, loved, you know. all that sappy shit that's meaningless and it seems like everyone around me gets. i just don't want to be near it or even think of it... love, what a silly idea.

i feel like i'm missing more. i always felt like i was missing something but you find things to make up for it and fill the void... but now there's more missing. and i don 't know what to fill it with. i said i wouldn't drink or do drugs anymore for a while because i thought that was what made problems because that's what he told me.

but i don't have anyone to tell me anything anymore. he said he couldn't take care of me from far away and now what? he still can't and there's nothing to stop me.

tuesday 04.08.03 | 10:12 pm
and things are more complicated.

i'm stupid. i'm a stupid, stupid girl.

i'm having problems with money. i don't have it. i don't have a job. i need one of those. the proposed rent for the house i want went up considerably. and i just don't have money. and even if my parents do, i feel bad for taking it.

when people start paying me back i'll have about $50 more in my pocket. 'twould be nice.

anyway, i drove all the way to the gas station (not that far but still) and i didn't have my wallet with me, so i didn't have my gas card. and my car has been burning through gas so quick. i swear. it just eats it up like nobody's business, i feel like it's leaking out when i'm not looking. so i was on empty, driving back to school.

further emphasizing my lack of funds.

and then i realized i was wearing the ring. somehow, some way, i picked it up right when i found it and put it on. so i found it on me and then i threw it off again onto my desk. so now what? i don't know.

and now ______'s acting up again. and anna is blowing me kissies. and scarlett is putting her hands around my neck. and becky is stepping on my gimpy foot. and melody tells me depressing things about sars. and sue left the door to our room wide open when no one was here for two hours.

and things are more complicated.

tuesday 04.08.03 | 5:54 pm
better

here i am thinking it's tuesday. my internal clock is so fucked up. what? 6 o' clock and still light out? what?

i have been feeling drab. i think i must look it and sound it because everyone is being really nice to me. so that's what it takes, eh? they tell me, "cheer up sad girl" or "how are you feeling? are you okay?" or the more blunt people say "what's wrong with you? you sound so dreary."

a stranger of the male sex talked to me today and it made me feel better. not that he was into me or anything i don't think. i think he was just bored and he was walking where i was walking and we were walking at the same pace. either way, i like it when strangers are nice to me.

today's been a good day. i saw a house that i really want to move into that's half a block from the beach. my drawing teacher walked by me and said "good, good"-- the first time this quarter. i answered a question in poetry and she wasn't mean to me. i'm determined to find a job to pay for rent. i'm determined to get spectacular grades. things are looking up.

who needs boys? they only complicate things anyway. dancing on thursday. kayaking on friday. meet tony pierce on friday. tight, tight. excuse the gangsterness in me. excuse me while i take swigs straight out of the bottle of liqueur.

even my horoscope looks good. listen to this: WEDNESDAY, APRIL 9

"You can't keep a good Aries down" is likely to be your conclusion with Sun smiling on Pluto in one of the more adventurous sectors of your solar chart. So whether it's the call of the wild or the call of a mega-merger, chances are that it will be way too strong to resist or ignore. Today's star rating: **** Swoon Star Guide: * Negotiable ** Good *** Really Good **** Stellar

you hear? stellar. stellar.

monday 04.07.03 | 11:05 am
i feel like nothing

everyone is entitled to a day when they can get up and look like hell and it should be okay. no scornful looks at my bedhead hair, my not-very-cute choice of clothing, my unmade face.

i wonder what i did wrong because i'd go back to do it again right in a heartbeat. but what do you do when the person you want doesn't want you anymore? am i that unwantable? it's a question of value.

so i sit here and listen to bjork and radiohead and depressing slowreader songs. slowreader is the best though. it gets you right there and you feel a tear coming on.

but anyway, i feel like nothing. i don't know if everyone i see is being super nice to me because they can see the disbelief in my face or if they heard it from someone else. i didn't really tell anyone. i figured they would have a "i saw that coming" moment in their head. and i'd rather not give them that satisfaction from the get-go. you gotta work for it.

i wonder if it's another girl and he just didn't want to say so. i figure that is the only way a person can get dropped real quick. otherwise you just wait for it to drag on until it gets unbearable. it wasn't umbearable to me.

he's everywhere. i try to check the weather and i open internet explorer and the goddamned home page is set to a google search of "i love robert." i did not do that. he did that like 2 weeks ago when he was visiting. i throw the ring he gave me across the room and hear it ping off a dozen things on my desk but i still look for it later.

haven't found it yet. still looking. oh fuck me. i'm so bad at this thing.

monday 04.07.03 | 1:36 am
goddamn daylight savings. damn it all.

how do i feel? like this cloud.

or the band of black lining the top, rather. in the movies, girls sit in front of the tv weeping and eating ice cream when their boyfriends say "let's end this" to them. i see how i am different. the television is depressing. too many happy endings. i don't want to watch it unless there is some world war ii documentary or something with animals goring each other or even an educational program on tlc showing a cesarean. ice cream will make me feel fat and, lo and behold, even more depressed. i'd rather not eat for a week.

i put all the tissues into the trash can. they're not strewn around the room, or crowding my feet.

i took down the pictures. i didn't burn them in a trashcan or anything. i didn't take a lighter to the cds of his that i have. it's easier for me not to see the things otherwise i'd get teary-eyed every fucking time my eye happened to see even a corner of a picture.

i can't believe that's it. it's one of those things and you think "what the fuck just happened? how did that happen?" but when the male of the species tries to tell you that he'll love you... oh, infinity and + some? what he really means is until april 7th. maybe he forgot to mention that?

i remember seeing a barbara krueger piece that said "be bitter." and i thought... what a sweet little feminist.

it's going to take a while for anything to balance again. i doubt he'll make an attempt to contact me but pathetic me will always be on the look out. fuck. me. how. could. i. be. so. stupid.

motherfucker. who can you trust.. because in the end, the person that makes you feel safe is the one that ends up breaking you.

some people like having someone around just to have someone no matter what. i think i'm that kind of person. mother. fucker.

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