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love
mawr
saturday 04.05.03 | 10:37 am
people have told me that i'm stubborn. i see this. i want to call. but i've over-analyzed this to death in my head and he has to call me. when he puts in the effort then i know that it's him that still likes me and still thinks of me and wants this. i know what i want. but he hasn't called. and i know how bad it made me feel last time i called him. so i sit and do nothing. and nobody is here at school. you could hear a pin drop. no one could hear a scream. it's like when i had a fever from my kidney infection and i couldn't move from my bed because i was too cold or too hot and too weak and i screamed because it got to be too much. and nothing. i laid in bed all weekend until my roommate opened the door at 12 on sunday night.
it this it this it this
i went to the emergency room.
my foot hurts. i don't know what i did but i have severe, sharp pains when i walk. so i'm trying not to move because when i do, i look like a gimp anyway and everyone has to walk like a grandma so i don't get left behind.
i mean, fuck. i'm anxious all day and i wish he'd just end it. not "it" but "this". you dig?
friday 04.04.03 | 12:40 pm
all is full of love
it's friday. i'm not sure what to do. i don't really have any homework because the quarter just started. i could stay at school but no one will really be here. i could go home and do nothing because no one will really be there either. i wanted to go north... but that's not happening.
thursday 04.03.03 | 9:03 pm
tomorrow is friday, mother bitches. cheer up and have a cheezbugga or a hot dog.
i have a growing apathy towards... everything.
the mind is the Bodhi tree
the body is the mirror stand
the mirror is originally clean and pure
where can it be stained by dust?
i learned that the mirror, the mind, cannot be stained by dust. buddhist poetry is so cryptic and fucked up. i love it.
i like all my classes. i feel like i'm going to make some great pieces and learn lots this quarter. i'm taking 20 units and it totals to about 22 hours of class a week. that's like 10 more hours than my roommate who's taking one less class.
we'll see how things go. last night i drank and played uno with the girls next door. and before the night was through, two girls were in tears! but he said he was sorry last night so i guess it shouldn't happen for too many more nights. i think it's only been about 3 or 4 nights this week. not so bad.
protect me from what i want
i crush your head. honk if you like cute things. 'cause these coin purse hot dogs and cheeseburgers are the new black.
thursday 04.03.03 | 8:39 pm
i'm not haughty.
he didn't call me. he didn't even give me an empty little instant message love.
i worry. and then i played mash and saw that i was marrying the guy. and what can you do? mash doesn't lie.
my poetry teacher scared me today. i think she thought i was trying to be haughty, which i so was not trying to do. i only raised my hand once in class today and the rest of the time i just spouted out some answers. but i finished talking and she said "and do you have anything else to add about the poem?" with a rather piercing look. she made me nervous.
i've been up since 7:30 this morning, scrambling to get art supplies before my 9 am drawing class. it is my fault that i missed the sign to turn onto the right street. it's my fault that i drove too far and by the time i found the place, it was closed. it's my fault that i wasted half an hour mulling around my room before leaving to go to the art store.
god damnit.
i went to drawing class and i am just.. the suck.
wednesday 04.02.03 | 6:26 pm
b a c h e l o r e t t e
I'm a fountain of blood
In the shape of a girl
You're the bird on the brim
Hypnotised by the Whirl
Drink me, make me feel real
Wet your beak in the stream
Game we're playing is life
Love is a two way dream
Leave me now, return tonight
Tide will show you the way
If you forget my name
You will go astray
Like a killer whale
Trapped in a bay
I'm a path of cinders
Burning under your feet
You're the one who walks me
I'm your one way street
I'm a whisper in water
Secret for you to hear
You are the one who grows distant
When I beckon you near
Leave me now, return tonight
The tide will show you the way
If you forget my name
You will go astray
Like a killer whale
Trapped in a bay
I'm a tree that grows hearts
One for each that you take
You're the intruder hand
I'm the branch that you break
wednesday 04.02.03 | 6:03 pm
it's shit
i feel antsy. i should do my homework so that i can stick to my newquartergoodstudent thing. but i'm having trouble concentrating and getting to it. i mean shit, i have trouble getting to class and staying awake.
i checked my horoscope today. i've been reading up on myself lately for no particular reason but the love match between an aries and a cancer has a little picture of a skull and crossbones with "uh oh" next to it. it says an aries will never be able to change and long distance relationships seldom work. 2 sentences and that is all it says.
it bothered me. even the stars are being difficult.
the distance has always been a problem but i thought we were working through that. people go to college and they are 400 miles apart. it happens. it could be worse. i could have gone to the east coast.
but i didn't. i stayed here. he left. not his fault. i don't care.
he's mad because he can't be here to take care of me. i don't need to be taken care of. he says i'm not in control.
i am fine.
i never get so fucked up that i pass out or can't remember what happened and i don't smoke cigarettes like a chimney or ever drink until i get sick or smoke pot everyday. never. never have. never never never. not like a lot of people. not like him.
he says our relationship is shit. those words. exactly. he won't transfer to be near me. and he says i'll never get around to it. like i'm so fucking weak that i don't do anything that i say i'm going to do.
i would think a lot of money goes to drugs when they're done daily. when it could have been used for a train or bus ticket. but i wouldn't ask that of anyone, no. i don't ask for spontaneity or presents just because or for him to write me. it was a big step just to upgrade to daily phone calls.
and now i'm the bastard for spouting off about nothing.
i didn't talk to him today. i love him but he always makes me cry. i wish i could change and make myself better for him so that he wouldn't always be disappointed in me.
tuesday 04.01.03 | 8:17 am
sex drugs and rock n roll
except no sex. no real rock either.
i like the first week of the quarter. there's no real work or commitment yet. i can sit and just fuck around if i want to. who cares, right? i had three classes yesterday, all got out early. sweet ass sweet.
today i have, oh two? maybe one if the class is too full to add into.
yesterday, i came home from class at about 4. i did drugs until 4 am. then i went to bed. here i am, four hours later, due in class at 9 and i woke up after four hours of sleep feeling lovely. this can't be healthy but i'm young and i need to get it out of my system. chris really understands me. few others do.
chris understands a lot of things about me and i only understand a little bit of him.
so after 12 hours what can i remember? i can remember watching the ali g show. and listening to jungle music and feeling it in my bones. i felt like i was shaking and everything was but it wasn't. i listened to bjork's "ice princess and the killer whale" and i could see a big hole in the earth in my head. i could feel my heart pounding in my throat, in my chest. i could feel every joint in my body move. quick, robotic movements, involuntary movements. vision only in stills.
i'm part of the troubled youth of today finding solace only when inebriated.
i'm done with drugs for this week.
SardonicSymbiont: how did it make you feel?
SardonicSymbiont: by the way, as long as you're safe, you can do anything you want....I don't care :-)
SardonicSymbiont: Well I care..but about you, not about what you ingest. As long as you're safe, like I said
SardonicSymbiont: Odds are, I've done worse
happy april fool's. so is this real? or shall i pull a tony p. and say "nothing in here is true?"
...nothing in here is true.
sunday 03.30.03 | 10:56 pm
yes, you can. yes, you will.
i have an itch. recently i've come to the conclusion that i've been living in southern california my entire life. and i've had... enough of that. i want to get out. and i want to live somewhere new and somewhat exotic. italia? oui ou non? gay paris? oui ou non?
well, whatever it is i'm getting out of this town. i don't really have any desire to go to ucla anymore. i mean, more of the same? no thank you! i want to go dancing on tables and take drinks unlike any asian girl ever made and experiment with drugs and live the good life. oh yeah. and learn how to surf. and travel. and experiment with my art and music and writing. and jesus, put as much knowledge into my head as humanly possible.
lately i've been thinking... i might be capable of so much more than i'm showing right now. and it's not so bad.
want to see some pictures?
so. in order!
1. my fuzzy dog slippers
2. my hair in curls. oh to be glamour-ous.
3. day in brand park with robby
4.my hot new mary janes i got from my sister. they hurt like hell. you should see the blisters.
5. my cool new gee-tar. one step closer to being singer songwriter type girl.
6. just a picture of the holiday inn in burbank.
one time this guy lawrence that i never really get to know very well but i seem to see him around sometimes only because he is friends with people that i am friends with said that the holiday inn towers are like "a fucking landmark. you see it and you know you're home." yeah. that's burbank for you.
