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love
mawr
tuesday 03.18.03 | 1:57 am
it's not even 2 am yet. i get so angry so easily so quickly lately. and i remember the way this used to feel and how i used to hate myself. but robby used to fix me. he's so far away though. that's nobody's fault but i wish it wasn't so. i am so apathetic about my birthday this year. i thought i wanted to drink and i wanted a lot of people there, to make me feel like... something. but people are bailing and now i just feel like nothing. i feel worse than i would if i had nothing to do at all. then i'd just cuddle and fall asleep blissfully. everything has been making me upset. i just feel so... less than everything. less than everyone else. less. like parts of me are missing. so i thought, let's snort ritalin to fill that void. let's drink until i can't remember what emptiness feels like. but i didn't even drink a 40 of mickey's tonight and i felt sick. the taste of it made me sick. i didn't want it near me. and i saw everyone getting sloppy around me and it disgusted me. that usually does. but it made me mad that the thing that i thought would make me feel better, make me feel numb made me feel more like shit. more like nothing when all i want to be is something.
monday 03.17.03 | 12:41 pm
it was raining hard on saturday. i saw a tree taking a shower. i kid you not. do you want to see?
something.
dancing queen
you see, it is finals week this week. i was supposed to spend the weekend studying. supposed to. i did a little here and there. nothing very extensive.
i took my art history final this morning and let me say that i am an art history buff. you ask me, i tell you. i think my gpa could use that 'a' and hopefully it is an 'a'. this is how i usually study. in bed. in pajamas. highlighter in hand.
i've gone on a cd copying rampage and i stormed my sister's collection last night. beatles live at the bbc, beatles 1967-1970, beatles help!, beatles anthologies, sgt. pepper's lonely hearts club band, mozart (for my librarian-sophisticated moments) and the forrest gump soundtrack.... just because.and let's not forget abba gold or phish... just because.
dancing queen. doo doo doo doo doo.
