tuesday 03.04.03 | 9:32 pm
a raincloud is going to swallow this town whole

you thought wrong. beautiful things happen in irvine too, you know.

i tried to donate blood today. i was ready for the needles and the poking and the blood. they still won't let me donate, the bastards. i'm trying to save three lives today and they turned me away. because i have a piercing. now i'm talking to shannon. she said she wants to grow old with me and play bingo with me and live in a house with lots of cats. she's moving too fast for me. i just invited her to drink with me.

i slept nine hours last night but i still woke up tired and still put my head down in class. i need a pick-me-up.

tuesday 03.04.03 | 7:08 pm
heart. stop. vision. stop. hearing. stop.

how i wish it was friday.

there are days when i sit in class and slowly my eyesight zooms out and suddenly i'm much farther away from everything than i really am. and i can hear talking. i hear the sound of it but i can't hear the words. it becomes background sound as my hearing switches gears, making it feel like i'm far, far away.

and then someone taps me or someone calls on me and there i am again. normal.

i get these moments where i feel like what i would imagine it would feel like to be on speed. i can hear my heart pounding in my ears and my thoughts are going too quickly for me to even recognize them. i'm moving so much faster than everyone else. everything is moving so much faster. it lasts only for a few minutes to an hour but it frightens me.

this weekend sounds like a lot of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. i can't wait.

monday 03.03.03 | 1:48 am
i wish i was sleeping

so much work to do. so much work to do. i hate the last stretch of weeks before finals. it's nearly 2 am. i have a lecture at 10. and a million things to do this week. it's too much. i am so ready to dance and drink and schmooze with robert this weekend. it'll be nice to not think and stress for two days. and then back to the mother. fucking. grind. on monday again. but at least it will be a nice two days.

i need to sleep. i think i will sleep my way through most of my spring break. it'll do me good. i'll sleep. and for all the waking hours, i'll do nothing but waste time watching television or sewing or hugging and kissing robby.

so anyway. this guy, this family friend, i've known him for as long as i can remember. he seems as old as dirt and he's worked with my dad forever. he comes to the family gatherings. he checks up on my grandma to see if she's lonely. he gave me rides home when i needed it. he always asks how i'm doing. he paints something on the windows every year at holiday time.

he had pneumonia a couple weeks ago. he was in the hospital. then he had a heart attack in the hospital. now he's having a bypass. and it's not like i'm that close to him. but, you just think things are always going to be there. you forgot how evasive everything really is.

so just try to be happy today while you can, while you have all that you have.

(hopefully i can go to sleep soon.)

sunday 03.02.03 | 6:35 pm
where on earth?

i was at home this weekend, not really getting anything done... at all. but i did manage to go to the chinese market and purchase strawberry pocky and men's pocky.

men's pocky, that's right. it's actually normal pocky with dark chocolate. but i saw it and thought it was funny. twas.

i burned some hot hot heat to listen to for the drive back to school. and it was good. i miss good, fast music that doesn't hurt me.

i'm excited for this weekend. robert's coming down or i'm coming up. but i hope he comes down because the girlies here are planning for dancing and drinking... i don't like missing out on socializing. that, and i don't really want to drive all the way to santa cruz.

not really. but i would. someone has to eat the men's pocky. and someone has to watch porn with me.

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