03.01.03 | 10:11 pm
but i'd have to kill you

i think magritte is great. he was french, right? all sorts of good things come from france. french fries, french toast, french kisses, and amélie poulain. i went out on a date with scarlett and saw audrey tautou's new film he loves me, he loves me not.

i can't imagine amélie girl being mad. it didn't fit right. but other than that, good job frenchies.

i filled out my fafsa today. same as last year. i'd ask my dad something, he'd tell me a number, i'd say "what? are you sure? that doesn't sound right," and he'd say "sure. that's how it looks on paper." and i'd type it in and say "ok." i mean, robert always joked about the mob thing but... is it true? is my dad the chinese equivalent of "the don"? no, can't be true.

i was walking around in old town pasadena today and i saw a girl crying in front of victoria's secret. she was all alone and tears were running down her face. i walked right by her but seeing that made me feel sorry. then i walked right by the clown making the balloon animals and instantly felt relief. i like balloon animals. i always used to get a balloon flower when i was younger.

anyway, back to the crying girl. made me think of when armand and teera took me to bob's after the first robert incident and i started crying over the stupidest shit. of course i thought of the time that i was there with robert. so i cried until teera handed me a napkin that she wrote "i love tiffi" on. and armand wrote "me too." i still have it somewhere.

i still like balloon animals, though.

friday 02.28.03 | 11:32 am
i like garter belts, not feet.

i was sitting in art history lecture trying to stay awake, trying with all my might to concentrate and take notes. and on the seat to my right, a foot appeared. not a foot resting on the back of the seat, mind you. a foot fully extended over the chair, completely naked was right next to my head. it wasn't just sitting there minding its own. it was flexing and extending like a motherfucking ballet stretch and the toes were rolling up and out like dominoes.

i couldn't concentrate. it smelled like feet. and i wanted to smack her foot right off that chair and tell her she was a sick, rude person. they weren't even pretty, pedicured feet. they were pudgy and dusty and had lint in between the toes.

one fish, two fish, red fish, robert fish? he's not coming down this weekend like i thought. next weekend. gives me time to get things in order and write two papers. we went clubbing last night. i think boys that go to those clubs and dance up on girls like us are gross but they help pass the time. and a word to the wise: don't ever ask for a girl's number. you're going to scare her. she's going to act like a lesbian with me until you go away.

that was the word. happy friday! do you know what that means? i'm ruining my liver.

wednesday 02.26.03 | 1:17 am
it will be perfect again

the first night we went out we went to the park and we sat on the swings and talked. and everything was perfect. and he was perfect to me. and i think i was perfect to him too. i liked him for so long before and all those days he sat next to me, i just wanted to lay with him and hug him close. but i could never tell him that.

and one day it happened. and we went out. i told him not to hurt me. he said he'd never do such a thing.

but who would say "you know what? i can't promise you that. i like you very much right now but eventually, i will break your fucking heart into oblivion." no one could say that.

and after he told me that i let him hold me and kiss me. and at that moment, everything in the world was right and good and everything made perfect sense. i was invincible and my heart was full. all i could think of was him.

and now, it may be year+ later but... nothing's changed. nothing except that he did hurt me and i did cry. but that was expected.

so now i don't see him. this complicates things. i can't imagine being with someone who i didn't think was perfect for me in every single way possible. i mean... perfect. and everything he says to me will be incredibly clever and every minute i see him will be like the first time and nothing will change.

nothing. same as that first night when everything was clean and there was no history. just talking and promises.

and no mean boys that fell in love with you became bitter and tried to break you. they wouldn't tell me mean things and try to get me to change my mind over things i already decided on. they wouldn't tell me that robert doesn't really love me and that he'd rather do drugs than call me on the phone and he'd rather do drugs than come visit me and he doesn't really want me because if he did he'd try harder and he'll break my heart over and over again and that i'd be an emotional mess.

no, they wouldn't.

tuesday 02.25.03 | 1:01 pm
you're so "good" to me

it's raining like mad. i think it's beautiful but the wet pant hems and the cold wetness in between the toes makes me feel ablockablech. but you'd be amazed at what hot cocoa can fix. today really isn't a getting up day. it's a stay-at-home-in-bed-all-day day.

i miss how back at good old jefferson elementary school in good old burbank if it rained it was like the world was ending. no work, just board games, stories, movies, cookies and milk, the core of everything nice.

one day in miss koontz's room 26, we pushed out all the desks and covered the floor in sleeping bags and blankets and pillows and stuffed animals. everyone came to class in pajamas and we spent the entire day watching movies.

it was sweet.

then again, that was the year we took a field trip to discovery zone. amazing. now i have to drive my ass and the asses of as many people from my class that will fit into my tiny integra to fucking l.a. on a saturday during traffic for art museum field trips. oh well.

i got my 3rd paper back today from my writing professor. the last line he wrote said "this is a 'good' essay." what is that? like what, just kidding? it's my highest grade in that class yet... a 'b', so still mediocre. but he couldn't just write "it was a good essay." i'm over it. have a "good" day, you.

... little red riding hood from my art project

monday 02.24.03 | 8:03 pm
eat me!