i suppose things are falling into place.

it's a strange thing, growing up. i'm going to be 19 next month. not sure how i feel about that. i'm still so completely lost when it comes to what i want to do with my life and... you know, i like knowing these things. i like having things in order and making it all fit into pretty glass cases.

oh well. my birthday is another excuse to drink and smoke and do other drugs. you can come if you want.

this weekend is going to be madness. madness, i tell you! i think after monday hits, i'm going on a personal vacation, a tiffany retirement. i drove home and back this morning after my art history lecture. i had to pick up my prom dress and a tiara... oh, you know, the usual.

so let's see... after seeing reggie and the full effect tonight and drinking like a fish, i'm going to drive to los angeles to take notes at lacma and come home to write my art history paper. in the middle of that, i'm going to take pictures for my elaborate, detailed, wonderful art project narrative. and have my digital pictures printed by monday.

that's why i have a tiara. and an apple. and a magic mirror. it should be fun?

i hate school. i think i'm going to pop. if i make it to monday and get everything done, pour me a drink!

wednesday 02.19.03 | 11:02 am
how motherfucking appropriate.

i'm trying not to be angry. and seeing how i have more than enough to deal with this week, i'm trying not to think about it. i'm trying to find a place to live. i'm trying to get good grades. i'm trying to be a decent person. so if he calls me, i'll try not to be too pathetic and i'll try to work it out.

but he's not going to call me. and if i call him i'll just be bothering him. because, as proved, i am the ever-pressing burden to him and he's rather we'd never met.

i don't get it. if you can make someone happy and you'd make yourself feel better, why wouldn't you? but no. he's stubborn.

fuck it. i'm going to watch the godfather trilogy instead. i need to see more blood and death to match my mood. my word of advice for today... don't you ever, and i mean, ever trust a boy except for your father, it gets you nowhere. they just leave you out in the cold right after they tell you that they love you.

and they make you cry. and they make you expect things that they'll never be able to give you. and the whole time they make you think that you're special, that you're loved until some arbitrary moment they throw everything back in your face.

oh, no, not some arbitrary moment, actually... valentine's day. the one day a year that makes you feel like death if you're alone? yeah, that one. worse timing could only be my birthday. and seeing as how that's a month or so away it's pretty fucking close to that.

so happy fucking valentine's day to me. because every day that you're alive and ignoring me is another reason to hurt.

so fuck you. i hate you.