friday 02.14.03 | 4:44 pm
you're nothing.

more than anything, i feel completely alone even in a room full of people, rubbing my back, wiping away my tears, and holding me, saying things, anything to try to console me.

it was an upset kind of sobbing, the kind where you feel like you're going to cough up some internal organs and you might vomit.. and you can't seem to get enough air. it comes in in spurts.

"he's not everything unless you let him be."

he just hurt me so much and he keeps doing it over and over again. he doesn't even realize how much this is breaking me. i already felt like nothing this week. and now i'm wearing thin.

i went shopping to make myself feel better. but i ended up buying nothing because i have a $200 hospital bill to pay and spending money made me feel like shit so i came home and laid down and cried instead.

and then i talked to him. and he's just out to hurt me. there's nothing kind left in him. he'd leave me for dead at this point. i don't know this person anymore.

moving on. i'm tired of this valentine's day bullshit. i'm going home to bury myself in comforting, familiar things. i can't breathe. most girls get flowers and presents and valentines and visits from their boyfriends today. i stayed in bed with tissues and he told me it was all over and he's tired of dealing with me.

friday 02.14.03 | 8:49 am
yes, i'm bitter.

couldn't sleep much last night. didn't want to. gave in only when my eyes were too puffy to open them. but 3.5+ hours of incessant crying will do that to you, i suppose. you don't see things coming like that. no, you wouldn't expect it.

not when you packed your bags and are willing to drive 16 hours within four days to see somone. not when you've been looking forward to that for more than a week and it was the one thing that kept you going and made you happy.

so there. i opened your bloody valentine. i made yours the prettiest. and i was going to hand deliver it today. and i don't get how you go from saying "i love you so much" and "i miss you and can't wait to see you" and "i want to do things to you like sun and moon" and then drop me like first period french.

what the fuck. is this some sort of retaliation? i think you're fucking sick.

i needed to do something this weekend. i needed a fix. things were just getting to be too much down here and it was hurting my head. and i guess that's why i was so fucking angry when you called. that and you hadn't called me all day to even tell me what was happening today.

everything i see seems to go back to him. and that just makes me sick. i don't want to eat. i don't want to be conscious. so happy fucking valentine's day. you broke my fucking heart.

wednesday 02.12.03 | 9:12 pm
excuse me

i think that everyone has a breaking point. and i've been running pretty fucking thin these days. i feel it coming and i'm going to snap.

so watch out.

i'm tired. and i feel nothing. numb. so i listen to radiohead and then i lay in bed for half a day even if i slept nine hours that night and i do just enough work to call it "work."

it could be seasonal affective disorder. did you know that 25% of people have it and don't even know it? yeah, i learned that in the health center 4 different occasions this week, looping over and over again.

i want everyone to be healthy. i want everyone to be okay. i want everyone to be happy. i want him to be near me.

and then everyone can just shut the fuck up.

oh yeah. and i'd like a good valentine's day. a really good one. i think the high point of today was getting an 'a' on my art history midterm. did i not tell you i was going to rape it? raped, bitch.

the next high point was eating key lime pie. other than that i hate eating. i like the taste but i hate the way i feel. i want to be rail thin. i want to be awkward model thin. like, if you kick her she'll break, she's so fucking thin.

that's it, motherfuckers. i have a very troubled head. and i don't want to pay $100 an hour to see the psychiatrist in the health center. read 'em and weep. i already did.

wednesday 02.12.03 | 2:06 pm
don't you wish

i talked with tony pierce last night of asian porn and other things. he told me to write every bloody day and that isn't a bad idea. it's not like he told me to pick up smoking. he's like this wise man that tells me all the good drugs and tips for climaxing. he's 109, he should know.

i made valentines. eight of them in all. i would have taken a picture for you but they're in the mail already. just know that they were amazingly clever and extraordinarily beautiful. really. here. you can look at the outside of one.

there you go. don't you wish i'd written your name in pink glitter? i know. i'm sorry. i'll try to get it right next year.

in the meantime, you can run by my room and tell my roommate, scarlett, to feel better. she has.. guess. guess. a kidney infection. just like the one i just got over last week. i've been to the health center four times so far this week. woo woo! they keep looping the same exact Accent Health on CNN i know how to cook pan roasted halibut. i know that taking folic acid decreases the chance of spina bifida in a baby by 75%. i know that walking briskly 30 minutes each day decreases the chance of heart disease and is no better for you than vigorous exercise. boo yeah.

she threw up this morning and it's time to get her sheets out of the dryer and take her shopping for a new down comforter and a new egg crate.

sunday 02.09.03 | 7:51 pm
tubby

sunday mornings are nice. i wake up late and walk straight to the couch and lay down. wrapped up in a blanket, i start watching the style channel. it's the little things like this that please me. i like going home and wearing pajamas all day and lounging while watching the style channel. it's choice. if only i had sex and the city dvds. i'd watch that, no contest. but i don't and hbo doesn't show any episodes unless it's in season. poot.

when i actually feel like getting ready for the day, i start my bath. extra steamy because i like it hot enough so that it makes my feet red and it fogs up the mirror.

taking a bath is one of my favorite things. it's a nice, little thing that i miss when i'm at school. so i took two this weekend.



you know, raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens? brown paper packages tied up with string?



my sister did my hair today. and oh yeah, my dad has a new baby. it's very smart, pretty and v8. i've decided that i'd like to drive my humble little integra for as long as it lasts and then i'll have saved enough points to cash in on a very nice, very cute, very sporty car. this $52k++ that my dad is splurging on is quite a setback as well. but i'm glad he got a new toy. i'd rather him than me. i'm happy with my new strange japanese stationery with hamburger pandas and hamsters sitting in bowls of ramen.

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