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mawr
Friday 10.18.02 | 9:29 pm
Ah. Much better. I'm glad I made that call even though it took me a few hours to work up the courage to even finger the phone. I can finally sleep soundly. I'm going home soon. I can't wait to see everyone I love. And sooner than later, I will see my true love. Promise.
Friday 10.18.02 | 2:27 pm
No, I'm not okay.
Thursday 10.17.02 | 11:44 pm
You can suck all the good out of a day
Wednesday 10.16.02 | 1:09 am
I wish he would just call me. Then I would know that it would be okay. But all I am doing is trying to distract myself with anything that will keep my mind off things. I think of everything a million times over and I analyze it all to pieces.
Tuesday 10.15.02 | 6:09 pm
Um. My car's dead. I feel so stranded. Ever since last night's drug-induced stupor... everything has been heading downhill. I found out my car was dead when I was already late for a class today. My Visual Culture class was meeting at a museum and I had two other girls to shuttle down there with me. Really not great timing. Damnit.
Monday10.14.02 | 8:57 pm
Every time I come near the computer screens everything just gets bright allover again it's like i'm at the beach. It'sike being loved. And there are shirts moving and everything is mmoving and it's kinda like whehn you see those freak show things im the moies. The lights move and there are curtasinn. Every time a new thig is jand I can't rekember what I was trying to tell you. There is someone whistlgim in my ear and someone sitting ad my left and everythubng is moving around me. I don't nkow what to do. I just want t be safe. I called Robbert I think RObber t is worried and he soudned agnry amd I understand that but I am just trying to be here. I'm ust trying to enjoy myself. I'd never let anything go wrong. But right now, in all honesty, everything is moing so fast and I'm jnot sure where were going but I want to go. I'm nt making any sense am I. Ill read this late I upposel I think Robert's mad at me. And I am t=hhjjkust trying to be. be. be. be. be. be. be.b be. the clothes keep sliding off my bdoydy. everyone is so gone right now.ixlkm09dvcimk,the walls are beleddding. the walls are berathing.gggggg. it's a beach inside my head. it's sunny on my bed. dfihoedvnkl
Sunday 10.13.02 | 10:55 pm
I went north for the weekend. And it was pretty great. It's different up there, certainly. I'm not sure if it's better... but it's different. There's something beautiful about planes at night. You can see the lights of the city through the fog and the clouds and the street lamps form little grids. And there is always something nice about seeing someone that you love for a whole weekend. They're all yours for just alittlebit.
Cuter Than Buttons
Happy Weekend
I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm ruining my eye makeup, I'm ruining everything. I developed my pictures today. It was the roll I took the week before he moved away. Things were different then. I'm falling down and you're not there to catch my fall. I close my eyes when you're around.
I curl up in a ball and I sleep the hours away. I don't want to feel anything right now but everything is magnified. I tried watching Edward Scissorhands. Alright, this is getting more and more pathetic. goddamn me.
I need to take a break from this wretched journal. Back to pens and paper it is. I hope I feel better soon. I woke up late for class, my throat hurts and now everything has just begun falling apart.
Always Have
And still be left far and few between.
The answers that swim in the biggest waves
Might never wash up to shore.
So I'll wait for his call some hours more.
So I'll wait for someone new to walk to my room
To sleep in my bed, to sing me some lullabies.
Stuck to my memories and wasting todays away.
But I'll keep waiting because it's all I know how to do.
Always have, always will.
Because wishing on all the stars won't bring you any closer.
And I still run on empty while you still run away.
I'll wait for you forever and a day.
Burn with your cigarettes.
I don't think that I have such a problem that he would leave me over it. And if he would, I think I'd break.
5 Time Out of 100 by Hot Hot Heat is heavenly right now.
I just received the best massage of all my life. My body loves me and thanks John right now. My head doesn't like the way I feel. I just feel wrong. And like I'm waiting for someone to reprimand me. If it all goes down, I think I'll stop eating and stop sleeping and stop being. It'd hurt that much.
Downward Spiral
hahsjfaklgioee;anbcgmnfs
[Note: That is what drugs will do to you. Please use only in moderation and not three kinds at once.]
Planes and Stars
I had a Venti Caramel Frap for dinner. Ah, the life of a student.
The people I live with make napalm because of reading Fight Club (equal parts gasoline and orange juice concentrate) and then we steal things from Commons. Tapatio! They also throw socks at each other's balls 'til the wee hours of the morning. I missed college while I was away at Robby's college. Funny how that works out.
I don't know when I'm going to see him next. That's what makes my heart hurt. Could be Christmas. Could be sooner. Could be later. I get sad when I think about it. I don't like saying goodbye. I want to think that we can make it. I want to think that we'll be okay but in all actuality, they say these things don't usually work out.
I have a midterm tomorrow. Time to study.
