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mawr
Friday 09.13.02 | 8:18 am
Hi. What's your name? Hi Robert. Hi, I'm Tiffany.
Friday 09.13.02 | 1:08 am
For his last night in Burbank, we went to Harry's. "You two swap spit?" the waitress asked... I was taken aback by her inquiry. She said I made a face when she asked if we could share ranch. No, I just wanted my own ranch for convenience. That, and Robert made a joke about me having cooties. It was a good night.
Wednesday 09.11.02 | 8:54 pm
The television is fucking depressing. Don't expect me to say anything provoking discussion because honestly, when it comes to the obvious topic I just go numb. It's not that I don't care. It's just something that happened, another thing nobody can change. Cause and effect. So onward.
Monday 09.09.02 | 12:58 pm
I went to get the mail and everything had an orange tint to it. I thought it was just haze. I've been sneezing and sniffling my way through two weeks. It's really attractive, I know. There's just a number of things wrong with my body. In general, my health is shot lately.
Allo. Goodbye.
I love that boy. Thanks for coming by this morning. It made my morning (even if it didn't go as planned.) I was laying in bed just sleeping away since 230 am, and suddenly, I was conscious. It felt and sounded like early morning but I told myself not to open my eyes and look at the clock. I was afraid I would do something irrational and just drive to his house and jump in the bedroom window, latch myself to his leg and say "please. please don't go."... just because it might still be an option.
I opened my eyes and looked at the clock.
800 am! It was like magic. That was the time he told me he was going to leave by. So I got me up out of bed and called his house. "I think he's coming to your house," mum said. Oh riley? And poof, he pulled up. He didn't expect me to be awake, was just going to leave the stuff on the porch. I ran down and opened that door like nobody's business.
And although I just woke up and look like hell, that is a moment I'm going to remember for a long time. That was goodbye.
The Void
So. He's leaving today.. in a few hours. I'm trying not to focus on it. Otherwise I get really quiet and stare at inanimate objects for minutes at a time and the tears come out. I don't know. It's just the hardest goodbye I've ever had to say.
My heart feels like it's about to cave in.
I suppose it's just comforting to know that someone you love is near you. Even if you can't see them right then, at least they're close. But now... even when I want to hold his hand or hear his heart beat, I'd have to hop a plane or drive half the day away. I just feel so disconnected. I can actually feel every mile being placed in between our bodies. And it hurts.
I guess I'm afraid of what the future might bring. Some brilliant, earthy girl could steal his heart away and how am I to compete when I'm not even present. But I'll be okay with whatever happens because I know we had a good year. Sigh. It was a great year.
Everything seems magnified when you know that it might be the last time you see someone for a very long time. I tried to memorize everything about him and everything about today so I'd never forget the exact placement of scars and scruff. The way he looked at me leaves an imprint, the jokes are funnier, the hugs are tighter, and everything I love about him makes me a little bit sad. I have to go to bed now.
I'll shed a tear for you, Robert Di Battista.
When I hear death counts, I never really fully comprehend the magnitude. I try to imagine the bodies strewn across a meadow, Civil War style. And then I do a slide show of baby to child to teen to adult to senior multiplied by the death count. That helps.
Oh! Jenni returned my call. That brightens up my day. I love her so. I could just hear the miles between us when we were talking. But... I'm going to see her this weekend. Robert goes. Teera and Jenni return. Life is a tradeoff, I suppose. Oh, how I took it all for granted when everyone I loved was in this concentrated little town.
Happy birthday, Jenni.
Poor Air Quality
That isn't what I wanted to see when I looked out the window this morning. A sickening amount of sky in every direction is that brownish-gray. I'd have to take like 10 frames to get it all in.
So it's Monday. I had brunch at Anya's yesterday and it was terribly awkward. I felt like every conversation was something "you had to be there for, I guess." That, and I just didn't really know anyone there. Not an ideal social atmosphere for me. And when Olin showed up I thought for sure he'd save me. He didn't say anything to me except to tell me he had fun with my boyfriend. And at that moment I wanted to crush his head because I wanted to be with him that night. Olin, I write you off like this. (snap!)
I saw Signs with Robert last night. I stayed awake. I don't care for critique, I just wanted to get out of the house. I think today is a sushi / shopping day. The Gods just scream "Sushi. Shopping. Day."
