Friday 08.23.02 | 8:25 pm
Coming to a Head

it's getting blurry. i like watching the shine on the tabletop... one shine, two shines, one shine again. i like watching the light change in my room as the blinds swing back and forth from the wind. light sheets. dark sheets. light sheets again. it's blurry. there it goes. i can see again.

"everything is a copy of a copy of a copy."

everything is so far away. i want to be far away. i want to sleep on an island with clear water in a pretty shade of aqua. i don't want to be dependent on anything else. i want to change. i want to be something. i just feel so lonely today.

Friday 08.23.02 | 12:32 pm
Grain of Salt

The days between me and everything new and unfamiliar seem to stretch out one after the other, blanketing the horizon. I'm jealous of everyone that gets to leave everything behind so soon. T minus month.

I imagine my last month at home won't be much different from all the other months. Days bleeding into the next that just seem to mirror all the days before. A few great moments thrown in and the rest of the time, I feel my insides eating themselves up.

I think my mother is repulsed by me. I wish it didn't have to be so hard for us to live in the same house. More than anything, I want for her to... be nice and love me. I think she's giving up. She just wants to get me out and send me away so I can function on my own and we won't have to interact anymore.

Wake up.

Thursday 08.22.02 | 1:51 am
JenniJenniJenni

Jenni hates photos. Jenni hates cameras. She's deluded and she thinks that she's ugly. She's so cute when she hides from the cameras, though. I've been going through some pictures and I just found this one I took outside of the Haunted Mansion. We ditched school one day just so we could see the Nightmare Before Christmas at Disneyland. That was one of my favorite days of last year. It was ideal. We were all happy. It was a good day, best day.



I can't sleep knowing that in a few hours you'll be gone.

I'm going to miss you so much.

Thursday 08.22.02 | 1:02 am
The Same Nail Polish

I might just have the early signs of a broken heart.

You don't really ever realize the magnitude of how much you love someone and need someone until they're leaving you... putting hours between your two living, breathing bodies. I knew I was going to cry. I didn't know that it was going to have this effect on me.

And it hits you like a bullet train going a million miles an hour. A friend you had for many years moving farther and farther away from you as each second passes.

Jenni's moving to San Francisco tomorrow morning. Jenni is a big girl. Jenni can take care of herself. But Jenni has a broken heart and she's fragile and sometimes she's quite shy and sometimes even fickle. Jenni likes bowling and pineapples and striped socks and Ed Debevic's. Jenni's bad at Dance Dance Revolution, just like me. Strangers won't know that.

I know, Jenni, I know.

Monday 08.20.02 | 1:08 pm
"Okay"

It's an ongoing battle with her.

I don't know what happened but somewhere along the line, she just lost herself. She used to be so funny and charming and she had this gravitational pull. Over the course of four years of high school... she's just broken.

I don't know how long it's been since she was happy.

And when you watch your friend fading, you'd try to fix it, try to make up for whatever's missing... but it's just too complicated. She pushes everything away.

Everything has a breaking point. Maybe this will just be another thing to reminisce. When so and so says "I've been best friends with ______ since kindergarten..," there's a reason why it sounds somewhat special. How many best friends have you gone through in a lifetime?

I love her even though she is fucking difficult.

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