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mawr
Thursday 07.25.02 | 1:28 pm
It's cold out there. But I'm telling you, I'm lonely too. Facts vs. romance, you go and call yourself the boss. But we're not robots inside a grid. Rilo Kiley, I think I love you.
Tuesday 07.23.02 | 11:34 pm
It's amazing how quickly time passes when you watch movies. Mr. Kim so rocks my socks. At first it is kinda strange being at your old teacher's house on a summer day... but minutes later, it is so rad. (I said rad, Teera.) I have new found respect for the Godfather movies. 10 AM faded into 7 PM and then I was home.
Monday 07.22.02 | 7:46 pm
I got a parking ticket today. I shake my fist at you, Pasadena. And I just want to kick myself because it's so my fault. I suggested Le Sex Shoppe to shake up the afternoon and have a laugh. I drove there. I parked. Robby and I got out and walked away for an hour. Now I have a $25 bounty on my car. Which is $25 more than I can spare. Yes, you must laugh. $25? You must be po'. Since this ticket will double by the time I come back from my vacation... I have to figure out some way to fix this before Thursday.
Sunday 07.21.02 | 8:56 pm
My concept of time is so out of whack. I thought it was Thursday just now. It could not possibly be Thursday... I know this subconsciously. I'm leaving on Thursday. I'm going to go foreign, far and away. For a long time. I think this is what I need... oh you know, to grow as a person.
Satruday 07.20.02 | 11:09 am
friday 07.19.02 | 2:35 pm
I'm home now. The traffic was about all the welcoming I got. And... I was quite excited to come home and to sleep in my own bed and everything, but my excitement faded into sadness and then into anger.
happy birthday, robert.
I like the feeling when you haven't been home for a few days and everything feels fresh and cozy. You walk into a room and you have to look around for a little bit because it's a little unfamiliar. And maybe it's just me.
Oceans Away
So I guess this is goodbye. But I just have one last thing to say, if you'll listen.
They say that pain makes great art. I think it makes promises.
I'll be the one to fix it. Someday, I know I will be ready. I'll have something that I'd die for. I will care and I will love and I will never hurt this child. There's enough hurt in the world.
My mom. She looked me dead in the eye and said she would put a knife in me. After it all, my body went numb and she had to rub her tired hands. So she took off my shoes and beat me. I lay in bed wishing she would just leave. My hair was in my eyes and all the things I was carrying when I walked in the door lay broken next to my tired body. I grew up being told never to cry. So she was angered by my tears. I didn't know how else to respond.
I won't tell you what happened before this... which sounds silly, I know. But I just don't believe that anything I have ever done justifies this. Nothing makes it okay. Nothing will make it okay again.
I just feel broken. I wish I was far, far away in another land where nobody knows my name.
And just like that, wishes come true. My plane departs from LAX at 5:30 ideally. Ideal, it is. I'll return in twenty days. Until then, there is an ocean between us. And so it's good, and so it's bad.
Here are the pictures I took yesterday afternoon:
So that's it. Look out because my passport's getting a whole bunch of new stamps. I'll get back and I'll have a little more than a month here in this "home" until I leave for college... the best times of my life, I hear. I'll be thinking of you. Take care.
Even artichokes have hearts.
The Chris Sedhom, The Robert, and The New Molly came over to watch Amélie. My mom is crazy. She really does hate people, in general. Pretty much anyone who she isn't morally obligated to like... and even that is stretching it sometimes. I am looking forward to putting an ocean between us for 20 days. People need to breathe.
For every day that I live, I am more amazed by my great luck. I think I'm happy. Nothing seems to be missing at this very moment. It's like putting in that very last puzzle piece. Complete.
Parking Ticket
The month+'s worth of grime on my car is reaching its peak. It's almost embarassing... eh, almost there. Now that the dirt is gone from the windshield and I can actually see without making a big effort, it's amazing! There was talk at dinner about my car getting upgraded from a '91 Integra GS to a '98 Integra LS/RS? I forget. Another hand me down car, woo woo! I would really like a newer car, actually. It'd be great.
Then my mom has to lay down the guilt, OF COURSE. She says, "You know, a lot of people that have worked all their lives never get to have new cars!" She scolded my dad, my sister, and I. Yes, I know this. I don't take it for granted.
So today I found out that there is such a thing as hidden secret features on DVDs... am I slow or something? They're called DVD easter eggs. Now I can finally watch the deleted scenes from fucking Harry Potter. I was wondering where they were. They were advertised but not on the menus. First there was secret songs, which I've never really liked, now they have to hide the special features on DVDs.
Fear and Loathing
Sometimes, I really wonder if I'm all there. I'll be okay and happy and suddenly, everything is wrong. Everything I know is wrong. Everything I feel is wrong. And then... it's okay again after a while. Don't people take pills for this? I watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas this morning. And I was scared of drugs.
Oh Oh Oh. Fucking awesome up in this bitch! Thanks to Joel I have every cable channel and a lower cable/internet bill. I was watching the Style channel [the fucking best channel ever] and then I sat down for a bit of Clarissa Explains It All. Old school, bitch. I thought she was pretty rad way back in 2nd grade. I wanted to put hubcaps on my walls too.
I was watching the Canadian tv and they showed an African village full of children with AIDS that had no food. And they ate dirt to make their stomachs feel full. So I laid in bed and felt really guilty and wished I could do something. Anything to help anyone ever. I think Amélie is rubbing off on me. While I was in Canada... I decided that I'm going to minor in Biology and go to med school... ideally.
I bought Amélie. I have no money in my wallet but I'm happy. Even my dad likes it. And everything is okay again. I'm going to go see My Big Fat Greek Wedding with my mom. I hope it goes... okay. god bless drugs. Now I know that I will be okay to drive home if I just open my eyes really wide and repeat "CONCENTRATE. CONCENTRATE. DRIVE." aloud to myself.
Wooden apples and Thai teas.
I left for Montréal on a Sunday morning and I returned on a Friday. It's like a seven day weekend. It's summer, not like I have any responsibilities or any real structure that defines weekend from week day besides places being more crowded or closing later on the weekend... but you get it, right?
I'm not going to bomb you with pictures of my trip. That, and most of my good ones weren't taken with the digital so it's a hassle. But here are two cute ones. The left is in Old Montréal but there sure are a lot of skyscrapers. The right is from the old half of Québec City. Cutesy fruit stuff never fails.
In Québec City there is no graffiti on private property because the city has this huge area all for graffiti under the freeway overpass. And when you get in a car accident in Canada, everybody has to pay for their own shit always. So sometimes it's your fault and sometimes it isn't, but who gives a fuck? Dealing with the other party's insurance company is such a bitch. I have $1500 medical debt that I still haven't seen paid from an accident that happened in October. National healthcare, gambling and drinking at 18, more than half the province smoking, those Canadians sure know how to party. I always knew Zahi was wild.
So last night I scooted my sorry ass over to Armand's house for a special delivery of handmade birthday card and cutely wrapped watch. And I was kinda mad at Robert for a lot of yesterday because it seemed like he didn't want to see me. But as always, we meet and everything goes away. After about a half hour of groping and grabbing in Armand's kitchen, getting awkward coughs and loud noises when someone is about to enter the room, I had to go see Jenni. So about a half hour+ after I left Armand's actual property and scooted into the front seat of my car, I left. Shhhh.
Jenni looks a lot better. Her lungs were filled with fluid and she had to go get it drained while I was away. She said it hurts to laugh and she showed me her little breathing toy with the blow tube and the balls. (That sounds a lot dirtier than it is.) I saw Jenni's new bed, watched some Moulin Rouge on the new big screen and then we made it out to Thai House! Thai House, woo woo! Teera was working! I want to make her an apron or something, she's so cute as a waitress. Her mommy is so nice, she gave us all Thai Tea. And then I came home and went to bed and hoped that my boyfriend was having fun oogling fake boobs and fake hair and fake tans with 5 inch plastic heels and funk music in the background. But not too much fun, okay?
(Maybe someday I will get those handy little comments for each entry... but until then, I have just upgraded to the guestbook.)
Surprise?
And you would think that your boyfriend, who you haven't seen for a week, would want to make time for you on the day you return from a trip that is also his birthday. Now I'm going to take a shower in my bathroom that has recently become the home of a family of ants and I'm going to like it. Then I'm going to unpack and watch daytime tv. So pfft.
I want to go back to Canada for christ's sake. At least loneliness in a foreign country has its solid reasoning. I know, I get very moody when I'm rejected and it's very childish... I can't help it. Sorry that I'm mean buckets.
