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mawr
thursday 07.04.02 | 11:09 pm
happy fourth of july. i called chris in a breaking point sob. i feel low. i cried my way through four industrial-size paper towels. that sounds disgusting, right? i feel like there should be pig's blood.
wednesday 07.03.02 | 6:17 pm
Today was a nice day. Chris stole me away and we read books until we got tired (The Sound and the Fury wasn't working out very well) and walked the marketplace of IKEA. It is comforting to know that someone shares my love of Swedish home furnishings. He made me feel better. Only the good ones rub your back when you feel groggy and blow you a kiss goodbye. One day we are going to buy goods from the "Sweden Shop" and have a picnic.
wednesday 07.03.02 | 1:03 pm
my sister called me today. when my mom picked up the phone she said, "Hello Daaarling!" Is this what happens when you move out and call home? Because I sure as hell never get hellos like that. Maybe it's just me... but every time, every single time, my mother says anything to me, she's yelling. She didn't want to come to a single one of those award ceremony/ luncheon things or my graduation, really for that matter. I'm sorry my achievements are such a burden on her. Okay, I'm being dramatic. She just thinks it's all terribly boring. I don't blame her.
tuesday 07.02.02 | 4:42 pm
so deliciously low. excuse my fragment. i'm going numb. i'm growing a shell. touch me. take me. bring me back. give me something else to love. and love me, dearly, in return. i want my heart back. i want to be able to breathe again. i don't want to be something to forget.
monday 07.01.02 | 8:09 pm
i might never get this right. too many times before my entries have disappeared. now this time... yes, that was me. i was stupid. i wish robert had never sent me that link. my mild mood is officially torn. let me try to recapture the magic that was my entry that has recently been MISPLACED. shh, shh, it'll be ok.
is this some kind of cruel joke?
you make me feel like fireworks
I think I've been sitting here too long. My vision is blurring again and my head is starting to hurt. But hey, I like the 4th of July. It's a good old holiday. You get to see your family and your friends and you get to cook big pieces of meat over a bed of coals. Then you sit on the roof and watch fireworks... it really doesn't get much more summer-y.
...and by the time 10 pm rolls around
I'm sitting here once again. The boy that I have been calling all day has apparently been calling me as well. Although I never heard the phone in house or cell phone go unanswered... I guess these things happen. Now why do they happen when I'm lonely and bored?
It hurts my feelings when _______
Chris called me this morning. I hope I see him. I'd really like to get out today. Waking up this morning was a whole lot better than going to bed last night. I was feeling sick and I was complaining to Chris and... it wasn't pretty.
asymptote
start making sense... now. i'm not articulate. i feel so much and i want to do something but i can't. this is ridiculous. i feel abandoned by myself. i feel nothing. everything is so far away. what is it all worth? and while you're answering that, what am i worth anymore?
i'm so tired. i've been lumping around the house all day. i just want to wake up this morning and start over again. all the opportunity seems to have slipped through my fingers. i had lots of me time. bring in the people, please.
this way, that way
today i ran off to the beach. robert and i ran off, rather. the weather was nice and i just liked being away. i desperately want to be away lately. i don't know if it is away from myself, away from here, or both. both. but the first one will help the most.
i didn't go out with jenni for her "dinner". oh well. i don't really care. i don't have money to pay for food anyway. two birthdays are coming up.
my sister is in chicago. she has a habit of following the real world. it isn't a plan, it just seems to happen. next season is vegas. it seems like she's there every other month anyway.
i don't know if i am lying to myself or what. maybe i am just confused. i'm happy, i'm not. i love it, i hate it. i'm going to do it, i can't do this. once i have finally decided on something, finally i'm going to go through with it, finally i'm going to take a stand and do what i believe in, i can't. all my weight dissipates. this bi-polar pattern is emotionally draining.
