saturday 06.22.02 | 11:55 pm
it was the dress

someday i'll get this right. not sure of what i want, don't know who i am right now. i'm having trouble getting motivated. there i go. i lost myself again. searching...

it's not getting what you want, it's wanting what you got.

today i tried on a dress. it was a fairly roomy dress. it was a size that should fit me perfect-roomy. it made my hips look big. it made me feel bad. sometimes i wish i could be one of those brazen girls that saunters around in whatever no matter what they look like. and sometimes i am. but i try to keep the fallings outs to a minimum. for about an hour, i convinced myself that i wasn't going to eat until my body had used up all my fat reserves. i could be the new waif. i could be twiggy if i really tried. now that i'm reflecting and writing this out... god, sometimes i just sound neurotic.

if i ask to be put on medication, will they give it to me? am i making all this up? one day it will be too much. the world will be spinning and suddenly i will yell "stop!" and maybe like a bad dream, it will all go away. speaking of, the ending of it was all a bad dream still angers me. the only case in which it is perfectly acceptable is alice in wonderland because that story is inferior to none. how is it that i am still alive? how is it that people are still near me? i make drama. i hurt people. i cause problems. "a * b * c = x. if x is less than the price of a recall, we don't do one."

i don't want to apologize for me. i'm not here right now. i'm not ok right now. i should be able to just "be". people are made to be able to just be alone. i can't. i can't do this.

friday 06.21.02 | 10:11 pm
don't

don't call me.

i lost three minutes at the railroad crossing today. i was staring at the flashing lights and admiring the beauty. there's something beautiful about something so long and powerful that it stops for no one. it kills. it just keeps going.

three minutes is all it takes to fall apart. there's too many highs and lows for comfort. i don't know why i'm like this. i don't know why i stick around for this shit. waiting for it all to fall apart on me again. waiting for the last minute to get it all thrown in my face. hoping things are different when they aren't. nothing changes. people don't change. and i find myself losing myself more and more often these days.

losing myself to what? slowly it seems i am becoming the worst version of myself.

i think my mom is out to get me. i don't know why she's doing this to me. does she think she is being a good parent? maybe in the old country all the parents are crazy. in america it isn't the custom to sell/drown the daughters, ok? "you say you want a revolution?" i'm so tired of being left at home. i shouldn't be mad at everyone for going out, but i am. every time it happens it makes a small nick in my skin... i don't have any skin left.

"did you break up with him yet?"
"yes."
"when?!"
silence ensues
.....next day.....
"why is he here? you told me you broke up with him!"

and moments ago i thought "we" were over. wouldn't that have made my mom happy. listen...

sometimes you make me really angry. i want to destroy something beautiful and i want to hurt someone. it's not that you say any one thing to hurt me. but the tone of voice when you say that it doesn't matter and you don't care.


an explanation:

< robert >

the tone in my voice when i say that it doesn't matter and that i don't care is an emotion, a reaction. now that i've graduated highschool, i am really trying to leave highschool drama back in highschool. and by highschool drama i don't just mean the bullshit that goes on in the classroom. it is that childish way of interacting with people. its unnecessary drama that only confuses and distresses people. we both have plenty of shit to deal with right now, and we don't need stupid shit to argue about. every night before we go to sleep, we end our conversation with a hurried "i love you more". i don't mind it if its just a cute little joke. but when you start getting serious about who loves who more, and silly shit like that, my only response is to say fuckit, i don't care. its not that i don't care about you, or that i don't care about whether or not your know that i love you, its that i don't care about the argument. its dumb. tiffany, there are tons of things to put strain on our relationship, so please, don't play games with me. i dont need this. i can't stand it when it seems like we're joking around, but in the end you get hurt because you were being serious. it is impossible to truly explain to someone precisely how you feel about them, so you can't really compare who loves who more. i love you with all my heart, and you're just going to have to take my word on it.

< / robert >

more and more lately, you are reminding me of the things i'd rather forget. it's ok. sometimes you have to fight, they say. i just don't know when the breaking point is.

almost 11 o' clock. time to sand those chairs.

friday 06.21.02 | 12:29 am
montreal

technically, it's friday... but this is a thursday entry. the whole midnight-next day thing always throws me off. i feel like i've missed my trains and forgotten to take vitamins.

speaking of trains... i guess today started with kfc. flora told me to come with her to get free chicken for some promotion. came home and watched a lot of tv and scrapbooked until robby called. later we went out. like almost nine o' clock later. my mom said to be back by 10. but i sweet talked my way out of her wrath when i came home at 11. putty in my hand, woman! "but i had to go pick up shellack! and by the time i bought shellack it was 9:30! i made the managerial decision to come home later."

and when i came home... surprise! we're going to montreal! we're going to montreal and we're coming back on robert's birthday. back around noon if all goes as planned. don't you worry, love. i will come back early to the best of my ability and be damn chipper. no jet lag, no sirree.

i'm glad robby's home. i start all sorts of new hobbies when he's gone. three days went by... they weren't fun but they went.

can i just tell you how happy i am that it's summer. all the little things that might have made me angry had it been during the school year... really don't bother me anymore. i'd just like to enjoy everything for as long as i can. goodnight.

wednesday 06.19.02 | 5:39 pm
look at me, i'm sandra dee

:] my khaki jacket shrank in the wash. my mom didn't buy the small one but it shrank anyway. now it fits like it should. i think i'm going to get back into scrapbooking. it's a good hobby for me. after my birthday fiasco, i just fell out of it... well to hell with that bodyguard! i'll show him.

last night, i went to see ya-ya sisterhood with flora and my mom. it was sappy and very womanly. i think ashley judd saves every movie she's in. not saves as in, wow that was great... but it's mildly entertaining. today my mom took me to sushi and we went shopping in... ikea! there is a bed set i have my eye on. it's paisley, polka dot, and floral, in shades of blue, red, pink, green, and khaki. it's clashes so well so don't you even doubt it for a second. i know what i like and i like my taste.

jenni called me today for the what are you doing, do you want to go out business. tonight we are going to watch grease. my sister decided to hop in too. it should be good. the movie is already good, the sitting outside is ++. the bulk of my day was spent watching tv with flora or trying to put together one of two chairs we bought at ikea! the dowels and diagrams are not my strong point. i stopped after the frame was put together without any screws. the screws seemed so final. plus i wasn't sure which screw the diagram meant and where. 2x or 4x or what?

tuesday 06.18.02 | 1:42 pm
he left today

woke up early. corner cottage. high school, one more time. got our prom pictures, got our diplomas (i got a surprise with mine!), sent our transcripts. i don't ever have to go there again. goodbye, high school. then robby and i had special time because he had to go to armand's house in lake arrowhead. three days, three days, three days.

she said she said

she held my hand and she threw me surprise parties
she told me it'd be a thrilling time
she was in my eyes and she gave me promise rings
she whispers calla lillies
she breathes foxwood thickets
and i never knew someone that could fix me like her.
she was warm
she helps me when i'm wrong
long hair and clean skin
let me feel like i belong
wait two lives to feel this again
i'd buy all your train tickets
come find me, come fix me.
come fix me.

monday 06.17.02 | 1:35 pm
goodbye apple jacks

today, robby and i went to jamie's going away surprise. so much going away going on. if i was going out of state, would i get a going away? is that the kind of thing you throw yourself? or is that the kind of thing you wait for people to surprise you with? ah, so many questions of etiquette.

jamie's thing was kinda awkward. but i like jamie. and who knows when i will see her again? that's why i thought hell let's get her the gerber daisies. she likes gerber daisies and we might as well give her something she likes. this might be the last time i see her. jamie, my apple jacks, my amy-j.

church's ct has it out for us! the dog comes out. the kids come out. grandma waves. they ask if we need help. what next? see you around, christopher.

sunday 06.16.02 | 1:21 pm
jazz and beer