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saturday 06.15.02 | 1:22 pm
so it's finally over. it was a nice ceremony. everyone looked nice in their caps and gowns. good job, joanna and emilia. nice speeches, dennis and shoghig. after the chaos that was finding people to takes pictures with and finding my family, we hauled ass to hollywood. yamashiro reigns supreme. it's up the hill by magic castle, seven acres of japanese gardens. it was after 11 when i finally got home. scrambled around to get hold of people at the olin's and went over there. mom said to come back soon at 1230, made it back around 1. i really didn't have a great time or anything, it was just a one last time to see everyone. and the people that were there... really weren't my people. they're not bad people, just people i never talk to. joel was there. it was awkward. robert always makes me feel better though. i doubt we'll run into each other again so... that's that. my sister took my car this morning and i don't know when she's coming back with it. i guess it's a day at home for me unless you want to come pick me up :]
wednesday 06.12.02 | 8:30 pm
i have realized that my catching up really wasn't very helpful. so... i just want to say that saturday was one of the best days of my life. i know that sounds really corny and like i live some small life... but i had a lot of fun, surprisingly. i guess people expect prom to be really great and they build all this hype. ms. lang says prom is one of the great anticlimaxes in life. i just realized... this is going to be a dance. like any other school dance. and when you think of it like that, it seems spectacular.
wednesday 06.12.02 | 6:50 pm
"Hi. It's been a pleasure knowing you. You're very sweet and I hope to see you around. Take care!" Sigh. Today's graduation rehearsal was such a bust. And... question: are they really going to play the Vitamin C song during the processional? What happened to good old "Pomp and Circumstance"? Lots of sweat. Lots of hilly walking. Lots of mispronounced names and seeing people that I didn't know I went to school with. And oh yeah, I saw Heather Borah today. Talk about old school. There was also the Joelle. I'm not sure how to write it or how to put the accent on the e. I don't care.
monday 06.10.02 | 8:56 pm
sigh. i don't know if i'm as happy as i can be. but i don't know if this is as good as it gets. bryan was talking to me and telling me his deep, dark secrets. now i'm asking myself the same. what does this mean? when will i ever be good enough?
grad night + graduation
the vodka on the sidewalk before we got on the bus took the edge off. it was a lot of fun. but many times throughout the night i wished that robert was there. it was too couple-y for me. everyone was making kissy faces everywhere. too many people. long lines. no robert. bad posse. other than that, disneyland always reigns supreme. there were new things on haunted mansion after the refurbishment! only a nerd like me would notice it though. the rave club was pretty intense! okay. onward.
part II
dance dance dance. booty shaking. chit chatting. stealing centerpieces. but the other fun was made AFTER the prom. i've never felt so drunk and so great. i made a lot of new friends. and i made a lot of new memories. and when people are drunk, they say things they wouldn't normally say. good things. compliments, is a nice word for it. wearing .35 a shirt helps too.
then we went to the bed and breakfast around 3. it was nothing short of amazing... i highly recommend it. i have caught a new love of spending nights away from home. college isn't that far away. june 8, 2002.
randomthought: yeah, i think nodded of a few times
randomthought: but i defintiely noticed you sleeping
randomthought: you're so cute when you sleep
randomthought: all peaceful like
randomthought: yes, i saw you sleep
randomthought: and it was endearing
i feel better now.
catch up
I'm just glad he didn't rape me on Prom night. Huh. That would have been awkward. Robert is my savior. He hardly talks to me at parties but he shows up every once in a while to say "Tiffany won't do a kegstand." "Tiffany won't smoke a bowl with you." Or he'll keep me from peeing on the cement, taking all my clothes off and getting in the tub, and drinking more than my fill. You must think... Hmm. It sounds like he's keeping you from a lot of fun. He keeps me safe. And I appreciate it. But I don't need a guardian. Maybe I'll call him when I think of something to do or when I grow up.
Those are my options. I just want to hit him when he rolls his eyes and says "Whatever" and slams the door. Those are the times when I just want to say "Forget it. Forget everything. I don't want to know you anymore. Just disappear." But I'd soon regret that. He isn't the type that would find me and say "Oh, I'm a wreck without you. Can't we work this out?" He'd just get angry and storm off and he really wouldn't ever call me again. He wouldn't wave. So I guess I have to watch what I say around him.
The person you love the most can hurt you the most. There is a Prom picture. One and only. I regret not taking more pictures. It's my once in a lifetime and I'm a picture person. I just missed out. I forgot. I gave my camera to Robert and he disappeared for an hour. I don't want to depend on him. I don't want to depend on anyone.
I get so attached and it seems like... haven't I gone though this before? Didn't it hurt enough last time or do I need to do another run through? Because everyone leaves sometime. What makes everything feel so good is that it's special. It fades, it dies, not everyone feels that. But still... I don't know what to do. I just make things harder for myself. How can I be his friend when all I've known and all I've wanted is to be more than that? I don't know if I can do this. I don't want to be alone. And I'm afraid I will find anyone that is willing to love me. A cheap substitute but anything will do. But it won't be love. It won't be fair.
Grad Night is tomorrow. I love Disneyland. Tomorrow the sun will rise and who knows what the tide will bring? I watched Cast Away yesterday. I love Tom Hanks.
doubt
working on government paper...oww.
